Exitainment

Documentary: Britain's gay footballers

2012-01-30T22:05:00.008Z

Britain's gay footballers? That's a misleading title, because there aren't any. Well, there was one, once. He killed himself.
BBC3! OK, it's not renowned for it's hard-hitting documentaries, but it's interesting subject matter, so let's give it a whirl. Football, football, football. The beautiful game. With a dead gay footballer as their spokesperson for equality. As a side note, I wonder how many women get beaten up every Saturday when their partner's team doesn't win? I bet it's more than 100. I bet it's more than 1,000.
So yeah. 5,000 professional footballers, and not one of them gay. Don't make me laugh. John Fashanu's daughter Amal is making this documentary. Her uncle was Justin Fashanu who killed himself. Black - and gay - and a footballer. He was a brave man.
'How comes in a team of 25 there's no gay people?' There are a couple of things wrong with that sentence, Amal. I HATE John Fashanu. He always comes across pretty camp, I think. He's wearing a pink shirt, too, so quite bold.
Let's not beat around the bush here: football is ugly. Football is sexist, racist, homophobic, violent, cruel and money-grabbing. Football and footballers are allowed to get away with murder. Take for example tube stations closed on match days, or trains full of men chanting, singing and swearing. Now imagine those same tube stations being shut down for a feminist conference, or a big women-only party each week. Imagine women shouting and swearing on the tube like that, intimidating people. Girls will be girls? NO. Men are allowed to get away with murder in the name of football, which lets not forget, is just kicking a ball around (Charlie Brooker and Adam and Joe have both dismissed football more eloquently than I ever could).
I thought it was interesting that Fashanu said even the straight players won't speak out about homophobia in football. Because if there are no gay people to demonise, let's demonise the next best thing; people supporting gay people.
Homophobic chanting on the terraces is not 'just banter', it's fucking bullying. They 'wouldn't go home and do it'? So those same men don't go home and shout homophobic abuse at the TV, or worse, at any poor gay couple who happen to be passing them? Racist, homophobic and sexist views aren't contained to a terrace. Those views lurk deep within hearts - the terrace is just the platform for them.
Imagine a gay male couple, holding hands on that train carriage filled with football-loving numpties? It would all be cool, presumably? Yeah, I'm sure. I've read Irvine Welsh! It's quite funny really, that men are allowed to behave like that, like a pack of thick, intimidating animals, yet men in love with men are still not about to walk down the street holding hands without fear of abuse? Weird country we live in.
I didn't think Matt Lucas's comments were particularly helpful; let's not forget he's talking to the mentally deficient here, we're talking little better than apes. He's enabling abuse, basically. Mind you, he's hardly an advocate for gay rights; just look at Little Britain.
Amal isn't exactly getting to the crux of the matter. But to be honest, I'm just glad the subject is being discussed and not swept under the carpet as it normally is. It's brave to even discuss this, especially on BBC3.
Who is this dude that she's talking to that says 'poof' is acceptable? Why isn't she challenging him more? What a dismissive man. What a stupid dinosaur.
Wow, the documentary she watched where John Fashnu said: 'he has to suffer the consequences' about his brother. That's really shocking. I'm surprised he can show his face on this show.
That suicide note was really heartbreaking. What a horrible injustice. It is a hard world: and it shouldn't be that way, especially not in 2012. Fucking speak up! If you're a football fan, or a footballer, and you care about equal rights, speak the fuck up. If you're not a scumbag, speak the fuck up. Because as far as I'm concerned, football creates a culture of us vs them, men vs women, rich vs poor, it's just divisive and hateful, I actually believe it's hateful. I couldn't go out with a man who liked football, because by supporting football you're saying it's OK to sideline women, it's OK to force gay people back into the closet, and it's OK to call black people monkeys. Because that is the only shit I ever hear about football. And as a football fan, you're supporting it. I feel that strongly. The only other thing I ever see about football (apart from the complete disrespect of women: from the WAGS to the spitroasts) are those men chanting on the tube, when I'm trying to take a scared cat to the vet, or just go about my business, and I just think, this is the patriarchy. This is it live and in technicolour. So fuck football.
That basketball player she spoke to was spot on: football can change, but do they want to change? Football fans and players could make the change happen and earn a bit of respect, but they can't be bothered because they're too fucking thick, or selfish.
John Fashnu IS homophobic, and is potentially a closet case, and that's probably the reason he was so jealous of his brother, because his brother was brave and he isn't. He's so unrepentant, too! Your brother took his own fucking life! Can't you back down all these years later? How dare Justin come out and 'told the world he was gay at a time when the world was so hostile?' Wow, you're a real fucking trailblazer, John. Not exactly Rosa Parks on the back of that bus are you, you absolute cunt? Your brother killed himself: isn't that enough? Didn't you win that round? I'm agog.
The Swedish openly gay footballer she went to meet was cute. He seemed way too intelligent to be a footballer. He was like the gay David Beckham after some clever pills.
Oh well done, a professional footballer finally spoke to her. Excuse me if I don't burst with excitement. He said, 'In the next 10 years we will have an openly gay footballer.' TEN YEARS. Fucking hell man, I thought in 2022 we'd have fucking hoverboards, not a bit of basic tolerance in the workplace. Egads!
The very deliberately black female equalities manager for the FA said things were changing. I'll believe it when I see it. Football does lag behind society. So excuse me if I don't 'know the score' or care 'who's playing.' And don't even get me started on women's football, our token little 'you go play over there, ladies, where no one's watching' sweetener.
I've said it once, and I'll say it again, fuck football. Now over to you to prove me wrong.

The Jeremy Kyle Show USA

2012-01-29T22:42:00.004Z

I've been trying to watch this for ages! We thought it might be a myth. But no, here he is, and they're showing this at 4am. Primetimez.
First things first, they've jazzed up the them tune like when they do the Eastenders theme tune on BBC three spin-off shows and put a bit of a drum machine behind it. You know, like when Blue Peter tried to go a bit cool.
Second things second, Jezza's got a wig on. His hair is exactly twice as thick as it normally is. Either he just stepped out of a salon, or he just stepped out of the clinic. How can he keep a straight face? Well, for starters, I think he's also had some fillers, as his skin looks suspiciously plump.
I'm placing my bets now that he goes 'where I come from...' Bonus points if he says 'sidewalk or cellphone'.
They've made the set look on a par with the UK version for cheapiness. What channel did this go out on in the US? It looks rather cheap and nasty. If any Americans are reading, can you let us know the channel and the viewing figures as unless we hear different we're going to assume it only went out on the elevator news network.
Are these the best guests he could get? Where's the lie detector? Where's the Genius?
There's some dude on called 'Millage'. Jeremy Kyle just said something about someone's 'bird'. Is he bringing a new breed of sexism to America? This storyline is whack. I hate the long lost kids ones. Bring on the violent boyfriends and jobless junkies with tattooed faces. I'm sure they have some in the US.
Jeremy Kyle just said 'called the cops'. COPS! Come and try and steal my crops etc.
The second story is a mother/daughter row. Zzzz. LIE DETECTOR! Fights! The Genius. How are the Americans going to get better without Graham's kind-hearted warmth, empathy and expertise?
Ah, this woman is a racist. Jeremy Kyle is talking about 'disrespect'. I can't take him seriously with those luscious locks. I'm not sure if he has had botox or if it's just the Home and Away style lighting. His suits look as cheap as ever. They're straight outta Burton.
The backstage area looks like an abortion clinic, all shiny brown sofas and McDonalds style art.
The daughter waiting for an abor- sorry, waiting to go onstage - is called Berkeley. Isn't that a brand of fags? Classy. It's not good when the shortened version of your name is 'Berk' is it?
This show needs a shake-up. They should be casting their guests from more of the Maury end of the spectrum, ie. who's the father out of seven men, my 99-year-old toddler, or my teenager is sleeping with half the neighbourhood (or neighborhood, if you will.)
Jeremy Kyle just said 'pin back these' instead of 'pin back your lugholes.' Guess they don't have lugholes in America.
This racist woman just called Jeremy Kyle 'condescending and belittling'. No, he just sounds that way because he's English. Well, ish.
Oh, it's over.
PS, America: Can you keep him? We'll take Montel as a replacement. I miss his salmony, mustachioed misogynistic charms.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Picture the scene. 2018. Denise's liver packs up. It's your fault.

2012-01-27T21:16:00.008Z

Ok I basically just snuck out of the seminar I was in 15 mins early so I'm in time for the first eviction! I'm going to get the fucking sack! But all I was thinking about was Big Brother, anyway. Fucking hell, man. My career is going down the toilet. And for what?
A lot of things are wrong with this situation. I can't turn the telly up loud enough in this hotel room. The telly is really tiny. The contrast is buggered. I can't move my netbook because there's no wireless connection and the cable is too short. Oh, and twins just got evicted. I'm going to get the sack and it's just to see my winners evicted NOW. Not happy.
This is because I didn't vote today, isn't it? I was the only one keeping them alive! This is total turkey monkey. I'm all on edge and sad. WHY! Whhhhhhhhhhyyyyy?
Jesus, look at three of your final four! Denise, Frankie, Gareth... are you proud of yourselves? I hate it when Big Brother doesn't go my way. Generally, it goes my way. My hopes went up big time when Kirk and Natalie were shown the door, which is why I think this hurts so much.
Has Brian got loads of make up on or is the contrast on my TV completely fugged? Someone please shoot the morons shouting 'off'. It's making me REALLY angry. I am ashamed of my country.
I'm surprised the twins are cool with them showing pantsgate. I hate the way they're being interviewed. I love the fact they're not backing down. This is depressing viewing because of the crowd. Brian needs a cattle prod. I like the fact the twins said they became closer. They don't need anyone else. When you share the same womb, and the same bed with Hef, some idiots in tracksuits calling you slag don't really matter. You're determined!
Please, please, public pile your money on Michael. I don't think I can watch this otherwise. Oh God. I feel like crying. Is this normal? I like that split screen but this result is whack. Michael is OUT!
I can't stand Denise, Frankie or Gareth. There's never EVER been a final three I hated. Never.
I'm really glad I didn't leave my seminar just now (ie when I was supposed to) and come out to Michael and the twins being gone or I would probably have slit my wrists in the bath.
Honestly, I have had such a stressful day. Am I out of touch? I'm out of touch, aren't I? I'm GLADLY out of touch, though.
I've never felt so depressed about a final ever. This is so rubbish. I've got an en-suite bath. I'm going to have a bath during Gareth's non-interview. I honestly don't care who wins. Denise wins: vindication for being an alcoholic mess. Frankie wins: vindication for being a sexist div. Gareth wins: a victory for fencesitting. Seriously, how to choose between them? OK, I'm going to. FRANKIE TO WIN. There. I'd rather a sexist idiot won it than a drunken old mess or a boring nothingy non-celebrity.
Michael's interview was criminally short. He's a funny man, a real character, the closest thing to a celebrity we had in there, and they chose DENISE over him.
I have a 12 hour day tomorrow. I've not had a drink. There's nothing for me to eat here, like not one thing. The LEAST you could have done is thrown me a BB crumb.
I'm THRILLED Gareth is out next. At least a 'controversial' character will win now, rather than someone's ugly dad.
I bet ratings dropped dramatically after Michael's interview. My only friends on Facebook still watching it turned over.
Well done, Gareth. The most interesting thing you did in the house was dress up as a bit of sushi. Aw, he loves his mum. They could use Gareth's 'best bits' as an insomnia cure.
Normally at this point in a BB final my hearts pounding and I'm getting to jump around the room. As it is, I'm planning what I'm going to have for breakfast tomorrow.
Digital Spy's BB forum has also been down pretty much all night! So I don't even have anyone to complain to!
I'm probably less pleased about the prospect of Denise winning than I was about Ulrika winning. At least Ulrika didn't sexually assault or persistently harrass someone.
Does Denise get a trowel instead of a sponge with her foundation? She looks like she's come as a ventriloquist's dummy. I don't think Frankie should be allowed to wear sunglasses on eviction night.
I feel nothing about Denise winning. Nothing! I don't feel sad, angry, happy, any emotion I want to feel about my Big Brother winner.
I can't hear Frankie, is his mic fucked? Along with Digital Spy, and the general public's collective brain? Oh well, nevermind, I doubt if he has anything of interest to say. I've seen it all before anyway: birds, shagging, Danny Dyer. That's the lump sum of his personality.
And so people I actually like on Twitter are going 'yesssssss' about Denise winning, and I'm thinking, why? She's 50 odd, acts like she's 17, gets her boobs out, oversteps personal boundaries, hounds people trying to have five minutes on their own, gets annoyed when people aren't endlessly fascinated with her showbiz tales, and then cries for sympathy. Wow, what a winner. I'm really proud right now.
My friend JOTV just said 'Denise is a laugh' but in my opinion Denise is a laugh like David Brent is a laugh, she's someone to be laughed AT, not with. I find her quite tragic. I thought she'd come out of the house and take a good hard look at her behaviour. Instead, she's been REWARDED for being an old soak. It's topsy-turvy! Normally at the end of a series, you get some sort of vindication or sense of satisfaction. This just feels like a punch in the face.
Yeah go have a drink, Denise. And when Denise dies of liver cancer in five years time, let's just remember those laughs. You could have stopped that. You could have put her in rehab. You could have saved her!
I think the thing that offends me most about Denise is really, she's just someone's mum, which is fine, but surely our reality TV winners should be something more than that. She's just like someone you work with who gets on your nerves a bit. What has she done to win? Really? She's just everything I don't like in a person; lewd, contrived, desperate for people to like her. It's just the exact opposite of what I want in a winner.
Maybe I just outgrew Big Brother? I read Just 17 for about five years longer than I should have. I read NME for about five years longer than I should have. Maybe it's time to pack those childish things away and start watching Strictly.
Ha! No, it's just time for the British public to go read a book or go on a course and stop worshipping MORONS.
Night, and thanks for reading. Love you really.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: I bet they don't have peas in America

2012-01-26T21:17:00.004Z

Rather a sad end to Big Brother for me as I'm watching this episode alone and I'm going on a three day conference starting tomorrow, so I don't know if I'm even going to SEE Big Brother, let alone get to blog it. It's really bad timing. I'm taking my netbook with me, so I'll do my best to hook it up somehow, and watch it, even if it's the dead of night. But if there's no Belkin I'm screwed. And if I don't see it, it's HARD trying to avoid the result all weekend, even when you're stranded in a conference centre in the West Midlands. I remember trying to avoid finding out Pete had won that year, and having to close my eyes all the way home on the tube from Reading Festival. Should have just stayed home and watched BB. Plus, if I don't see it on Friday in the early hours, by the time I write my blog on Sunday, no one will give a damn! I've got to wrap it up though. It's my duty. I'll do my best, OK? Wish me luck.
Anyway, let's get onto Denise's persecution complex. Nah, even I can't be bothered.
Is Frankie deliberately not getting the joke about 'doing lines'? Poor lamb. Does everyone love Frankie now? I don't. I still think he's a sexist little turd. But he's 18. Even I was an idiot at 18. Even you were! I don't think my hair was quite that bad, though.
All Nicola's dresses look the same. But every single one she tried on was nicer than the one she did choose! I don't mind Nicola, though. I like her just cos everyone else hates her.
I love this game they're playing, it's like Outburst. We always play that round my friend Adam's house but he's played it about 7 billion times and knows all the answers. The housemates seem to be spectacularly bad at this task. See, this is why Adam needs to go in the Big Brother house instead. Michael: 'Imagine! A night without trout.' He's always got the one-liners. Nicola's mad with Frankie. Whoops, I forgot to care, each side is so morally corrupt.
Frankie and Michael comparing the twins' looks in the hot tub. Chivalrous!
Denise is feeling old! Yeah, have a calculated cry in the Diary Room, that might get a few votes. Hey, why not get your boobs out, that might cheer no one up?
I like Romeo saying 'it was all on top' because my boyfriend says that. He also says, 'under the cosh', which I enjoy.
Michael was a little mean when he was saying he'd rather have sex with Gareth than Denise. Fair comment, though. Personally, I'd rather have sex with Michael than either of them.
The myth of Denise's 'own talkshow' in the UK continues! Please show them an episode of Loose Women and burst that bubble! I bet Michael will Youtube it in the hotel tomorrow night. He's going to get a surprise.
Michael and the twins are obsessed with winning, but that's just the way Americans are made, you can't resent them for it.
Interesting to see the twins scared when Nicola got booed. If they showed their vulnerability, it might do them a favour, although I prefer them emotionless. I liked them reassuring themselves that 'Frankie got booed, too'.
I thought it was interesting on BOTS when Romeo said he wanted people to see him how he really is, not how he was in So Solid Crew, and I think he achieved that. Who could have a bad word to say about him? Except that guy he stabbed, obv. Luckily, if you're a man and you stab someone (allegedly) or rape them (Tyson) or punch them (Brown, Gazza, et al) you get a second chance (let's laugh at that hilarious rapist in The Hangover 2!). If you're a woman, you barely get a first chance. If you're a good looking woman, a woman with a brain, a woman with an opinion, a woman who's funny, a woman who has sex (!) or a woman who likes a bit of an argument... God help you, we will stamp on you and we will boo our little lungs out to put you back in your place! But hey, that's the patriarchy. We're used to it.
LOL to Michael and the twins saying they don't care about winning! Hilarious. Denise's 'die hard fans'... who ARE they?! Who has actually clicked on her face and voted for her? I doubt if even Carol McGiffin has stopped shagging her toyboy for two seconds to bother (and why would she?!)
Denise stunned by the twins confidence/ arrogance. Gareth: 'I'm upset the twins want to win.' I thought you were a SPORTSMAN? Oooh, Denise and Gareth really want to win, too, don't they? Interesting. They've got the knives out, they're just less obvious, an unfortunately, it fools people.
Michael's roots are showing! Time for a touch up. I feel like Frankie's had that same jumper on for about a week now.
I'm loving the twins calling themselves 'humble'. What's the opposite of humble? It's true what they said about people dismissing them as blonde bimbos at first though, because even I, feminist nag extraordinaire, did the same. Because 99% of the time the glamour models in the house have been people like Orlaith, Imogen, Georgia; empty vessels with perky boobs and a lobotomy. So I apologise for judging the twins on that previous bad experience. But blame the Big Brother producers.
OMG - Frankie, naked! Do people really find him sexy? He looks like he's already got a beer belly to me. Aren't indie boys meant to be all cheekbones and ribs? That's how I like my indie boys.
Anyway, I'll miss this lot tomorrow. And I'll miss you lot, too. People actually seem to be reading my blog at the moment - weird. I'll try and fill the gap until we meet to slag off strangers again.
Good luck for the final. Save the Yanks! Vote for the twins and give that baying, thick, sexist, ugly mob something to really boo about. I'm counting on you!

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Romeo done

2012-01-25T21:08:00.005Z

Was just perusing the National Television Awards and Big Brother did not even get a MENTION in the reality category. Big Brother INVENTED reality TV! Yet another injustice. It annoys me so much when people say BB is past it's sell-by-date. No, BB is just in the right hands. BB needs it's own network, with separate channels for live feed, psychology, and other spin-off shows. THAT'S what should have happened.
It makes me laugh that the crowd is cheering for soon-to-be-registered sex pests Denise and Frankie and booing the feisty but with non-two dimensional personalities twins and Michael. I'd hate to accuse my own country of xenophobia (which my boyfriend just taught me how to spell), but it's either that or racists, so take yer pick.
They're either giving Michael and Frankie a good edit, or nothing happened yesterday. How's Frankie going to afford a place in Hollywood? I doubt if he could afford dinner in Planet Hollywood.
Interesting to see Michael's melted wife. I don't know why Nicola is getting booed so much. I feel largely indifferent to her. I find Denise a million times more objectionable because she plays the poor-little-me card and behaves appallingly. At least Nicola has some semblance of principles.
BTW I saw Denise's husband in the audience of the NTA awards so he's not in America making a movie. Funny, that. He's also not supporting his wife, is he?!
Gareth's oblique reference to rimming is probably the most interesting thing he's ever said in the house. Brian's comment was quite funny.
It's weird that all American men are circumcised. Why would you cut off a bit of your child's body willy-nilly? Doesn't it reduce sensitivity? Nicola is a tricky one asking is Hef is circumcised! Naughty.
I have no idea who's going to go! Oh, it's Nicola! I guess that figures. Her boobs look like watermelons in a net. I totally agree with what Nicola said that Denise changes when she has a drink in a bad way. That's an undeniable truth. I thought Nicola's interview was a little bit cruel. She wasn't that bad. She didn't deserve people shouting 'off' especially in relation to Denise's neurosis. I think the interviews have gone downhill badly this year. They're too short and not enough decent questions asked. Another thing I'd sort out if I was in charge.
Now Nicola wants the twins evicted?! Turncoat. Denise 'a wonderful old woman'. Lol - that's damning praise.
I'm not going to do two blogs because I feel like nothing's happened! Maybe something interesting will kick off on the live feed. But I doubt it as it's just waiting time.
I've just realised why I like the twins. It's because they're obnoxious and I'm obnoxious. That live feed is sooo pointless for half an hour. Just caught a bit of Jodie Marsh's bullying show. Having Jodie Marsh tell you everything's going to be alright is a bit like having Jordan telling you to embrace your natural beauty. I like Jodie Marsh, but she's one of the most fucked up people on the planet.
I really hope the twins don't go now and get bayed at by that mob. Ooh it's between Romeo and the twins! I had an inkling Romeo would go. Thank God, I don't think I could stand a full night of misogyny. The others looked visibly disappointed when the twins stayed.
Romeo is a lovely bloke, but he did nothing in the house. I think he suffered from the Denise vs twins row, but he's no worse a fencesitter than Gareth, and he's sexier. I can see why people couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone. But it angers me that people have picked up the phone for Denise. She's an absolute train wreck.
So were twins bottom two or not? That's what I want to know! I'm perplexed that interesting, polarising ex-housemates like Rodrigo and Luke Marsden are slagging off the twins and supporting Denise on Twitter! I don't get it.
Romeo: 'people forgot to pick up the phone'. You didn't give anyone a reason to. Peacemaker? No, fencesitter. There's a difference. Tonight has made me mad. I used to think C4 was biased, but C5 is a fucking joke.
You think pervert Richard Desmond would be lapping up the twins and supporting them to win so he can plaster them all over his smutty papers. I guess it's a bit inconvenient that they have personalities, too.
Brian is getting to the bottom of all the issues: 'how did you like wearing Michael's pajamas?' Romeo's interview has been twice as long as Nicola's. Mind you, she probably had to go and get dunked like a witch judging by the sound of that crowd. Have they shut the door on the mob? They should set fire to that lot, do the gene pool a favour.
Brian was being quite saucy with Romeo: 'Romeo you beat off Gareth.' Goodness me.
Romeo is smooth and cool and chilled out, which would be great if he were a milkshake. But he isn't, he's a housemate. Was.
Nearly there. The twins (or Michael) can win it if you really want them to. Or you can vote for an old drunk, a randy teenager, or a boring Welshman. UP TO YOU.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: We're not housemates, we're fucking hostages

2012-01-24T22:48:00.002Z

Sorry I'm late I've been asleep for hours as I'm feeling peaky. But had to get up and do my duty.
Glad Denise got a warning! She was lucky not to be booted out. Note to self: don't go on a night out with Denise. Her idea of a 'jokey party' is probably getting felt up at the end of it.
Why is Frankie siding with the nerd herd? Thought he was rock n' roll? It's just revenge cos they think he's a little creep, isn't it?
Michael is lapping it up! Now he's all chummy with Nicola. Hilarity. Do they give them booze EVERY night? Surely Denise isn't going to drink again? Riiiiiiiiight?
The truth is, BOTH sides are wrong, a bit. But I PERSONALLY would be aggrieved by someone pulling my pajama bottoms down. It is unacceptable.
Was Natalie the the peacekeeper in that house? Is that where it all fell apart. Nicola is an emotional wreckage. I know that house is amplifying things, but she really needs to get a hold of herself.
Michael is so happy the focus is off him, he's concentrating on coming out with some pithy one liners. It WOULD be good if they put a new celeb in now, but I don't think they will. It's too late.
Denise IS toxic. But she already DID apologise! Those twins need to lighten up a bit. Just a bit.
LOL my boyfriend just said he read that Denise's husband is going to 'come knock Michael Madsen out'! I'd like to see him try, he's about three foot, isn't he?
Nicola's been 'intimidated by the twins'. Oh, boo hoo. She's used to being chief shit-stirrer in the nest, isn't she?
UGH did they just say Robbie Williams is a legend?! Fucking namedroppers. He's a toad-faced egotistical ginormous prick. He's the biggest cunt on the planet, and he's got some SERIOUS competition. I can imagine Denise being friends with Beverley Callard. They're both clinging onto their youth harder so hard they've smothered it.
It's quite telling that Nicola has had botox and looks older than me, even those she's younger than me. What a brilliant product that must be. Not being able to move your face is very sad. Your lines tell the story of your life.
Frankie, you DID fuck it. That's all you do is fuck it.
Karissa: 'I was still calculating how I was going to react.' You don't calculate how to react to something, you just react!
Michael: 'everyone is being phoney as the can be right now. Haven't you reached your high point of humiliation?' LOL. I love his summary of the tasks.
I want to read one of Michael's poems. I just can't be arsed to look one up. 'Pussy and money'? I can see how he won that award. He's really enjoying this task. Shit, I really need to update my poetry blog.
Why does Gareth keep digging out Andrew? Andrew was ten million times the housemate he is.
LOVE Michael and Denise discussing if the girls really slept with Hef. I do wonder if it's all for show, if the whole thing is smoke and mirrors.
It's the end of the twins now, which is a shame. They took it a bit too far, which is a pity as their game was really good up til now, but I can see how their arrogance could be a bit unpalatable now. However, I'm still voting for them. I also thought Aaron had 'pushed it too far' too many times, and he still walked it, probably because of the BOTS bias.
If not the twins, then Michael. If not Michael, go fuck yourselves. Night!

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Girls just want to kick off

2012-01-23T21:40:00.006Z

Ooooh looks like a good 'un tonight. Don't let me down, BB!
Spelling task... this should be fun.Electric shock task... original. At least they've changed the outfits. Well done, Frankie, you can spell the word 'sting'.
Denise is showing her TRUE colours now, and it's not just Michael in her sights, is it? What a sad, curmudgeonly old woman.
The way Denise said, 'are you going to go to bed?' to Michael was soooooo shitty, and then she says he started on her. NO! You're a control freak. Just let the man go about his business!
Papa bear is mad about Girls Just Want to Have Fun. Who can blame him? What Denise did was NOT OK. I think whichever that twin is has got something to hide (butt scars?)
I'd go MAD if someone pulled my pajama bottoms down. It is NOT fun. You should never encroach on someone else's space or body like that. Denise is bang out of order.
Michael will be LOVING this. Fight, fight, fight, fight!
Good on Karissa for saying she's done with the sexual harrassment. 'I'm going to sue you guys!' I suppose because she's a Playboy model Denise thinks she's fair game. But she has a right to her own privacy, FFS. Denise is out of control.
I love Kristina fighting like a lion for her sister. I knew someone was going to bring up the 'she gets her tits out for a living' thing. And you just get your manky old tits out for attention. At least the twins get paid for it.
Letters from home gate! It's all coming now. Nicola: 'go have another drink, babe.' Echos of 'pour me, pour me, pour me another drink.' This is shaping up to be a classic.
Gareth must be getting fucking piles from sitting on that fence for so long, and Romeo's right there by his side. There's NOTHING worse than a fence sitter. You don't have an opinion? You can't tell right from wrong?
Michael's digging the grave for Denise with 'I guess she's crossed the line'. Not sure why Frankie is siding with Denise. Although Denise was joking the second time.
Nicola literally just jumped out of BED to continue the argument! That's commitment. I'm glad we're getting to see her teeth at last, that's what she was put in there for, after all.
What movie is Denise's husband doing in America? Is it Aufweidesen Pet goes to Hollywood? Now Denise is making me think of Jimmy Nail because she keeps going 'she's lying!'
I love seeing the Nerd Herd torn apart! Just open the door and chuck Nicola out in her pajamas.
Nicola sounded like Nikki Graham when she was having her two-year old tantrum. Get a grip!
'You guys are going to have a huge lawsuit on your hands I want a signed statement from the producer saying you're not going to show it'. I guess Big Brother was scared enough to not show it up close. This twins kick are in-fucking-domitable.
The most delicious thing about this whole situation is the twins don't even like Nicola, they just befriended her for a vote.
Stop going on about being called a liar, Denise! You've got a lot worse problems on your hands than that. Nicola's children are called 'Striker' and 'Rocky'?! LOL.
What an atmosphere! I love a party with a happy atmosphere.
Frankie's dropped a few little hate bombs tonight, some I've agreed with, some I haven't.
Nicola to Denise: 'you'll be embarrassed when you watch it back.' So will you! Ooh, if Gareth has lost it with Denise, she's really fucked.
The way those twins love each other is so cute. I wish I had a twin! I want someone to back me up as ferociously as that at all times.
Frankie moaning about being called a sex pest: you said 'come and put a condom on with your butt cheeks' which is actually worse than 'come give us a blowjob.' He's another one who needs to take a look at the footage in the cold light of day.
The only thing that could have made that better is someone getting punched in the face. Maybe tomorrow? Fingers crossed!

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Thick in Japan

2012-01-22T22:32:00.003Z

Sorry I was MIA yesterday but it just appeared to be a big Gareth fest anyway. Densie: 'how can people keep MM in and vote Kirk out? Very easily!
Is anyone really buying this Japanese BS task? Loving the twins wanting to check with their agents before they deliver an interview. Kerching!
Michael is building up the lie well. Denise likes it when someone's asking her questions so she sould be in her element. This Japanese task is a trip.
Gareth actually seems to be letting his hair down a bit at last, I'm warming to him a bit now. He seems like quite a compassionate person too. But he's still zzzz. I'd hate to see him win it.
I liked the twins on that Japanese show. I enjoyed the twins coversation about boring down into the sea. Is there nothing they can't put their minds to? They are fucking baddass. They all took the task things quite well.
Karaoke brings people together! Even the most miserable and grumpy. I'd have liked to see more of that.
Tonight's show was so fluffy and confrontation free that there was NOTHING to write about! I don't think you even got one joke out of me. Soz.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: How to lose 12 and half stone in 30 minutes

2012-01-20T22:10:00.004Z

Things I don't like hearing on the live feed. 'Celebrity wedding planner's on next.' 'We're on a 15 minute delay.' Kind of takes the 'reality' out of reality TV, doesn't it?
The crowd's cheers used to mean something. But not any more. The crowd can barely be trusted to hold a poster up straight. Love them chanting for the twins just as they get saved. In your face, morons! Wot way is Americas againz?
It's between Michael and Sonia! Sheeeeeeeeet! I was really worried Michael was going to go home then. Hilarious! Out of all those people Sonia got LEAST votes. Less than Romeo. Less than Nicola. Not so caring after all, hey? Honestly, the way she was acting it was like she was going to be able to pick and choose who was in the final five with her. Pride comes before a fall!
Ad break: I seem to remember Muse suing someone for putting that song on an advert about five years ago. Times must be hard.
The twins and Michael must be pleased that they got booed as the crowd is completely off. It's actually quite embarrassing for C5 how out of touch they are with the real viewers, ie. the viewers who care enough to vote, ie. the people who have been watching this show for over ten years, not some dribbling dickhead who can't even retain enough information to remember a simple name (hence the names on screen - although the people who need the names on the screen can't actually read anyway). Nearly a million people watched the live feed on Weds: need we say more?
She's STILL DOING IT in her interview, peddling the 'I'm down to earth' myth, calling the twins out on their 9,000 dollar shoes, and saying she shops at Dorothy Perkins. I don't give a FUCK where you buy your fucking knickers from, I don't LIKE YOU. And I'm not alone: more people picked up the phone for DENISE than you. You're full of it!
The biggest lie, that BOTS will be re-inforcing shortly, is that some kind of miscarriage of justice was served tonight. Actually, justice WAS served tonight. Kirk was the most horrible person in the house, and probably the most horrible person in Essex, although I believe Jack 'she's a CUNT' Tweed still lives there.
Natalie was considered 'nice' because she constantly kept going on about how 'nice' she was. When was the last time you told a group of people how 'nice' you were? It's not for YOU to say how nice you are. But some idiots will still fall for it. I like my housemates with a little more 4realz.
Natalie STILL going on at the twins. WELL JEL. You don't need to be able to boil a kettle when you can get mugs like you to do it for them.
Sonia virtually turned on Nicola at the end with no evidence. What a CARING person. Then she says Gareth to win. Spare me! What has he actually done except talk in an unbearable accent?
Love Brian fucking up at the end and saying 'Natalie wants Nicola out next.' Sweet. I hope she heard that!
Wow, that double eviction on Weds is going to be a big surprise, isn't it? SHOCKER!
Bye Sonia. And you aint even going to get Peggy's theme! Boo hoo. See you in Closer.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Push the button. Don't push the button.

2012-01-20T21:07:00.004Z

Twins getting booed! Hilarious. And a cheer for Kirk. Well done, pygmies. Now watch and learn, just like you had to with Aaron. I can't work out why they're booing them? Is it because they're attractive? It must be. I completely misjudged them when they walked in. They're sound!
I bet you a MILLION quid Denise will rent Reservoir Dogs when she gets out. A MILLION!
All this gagging! What must Nicola be like when she gives a blowjob?
I hate Natalie and nicola playing the children card. I hate it sooooo much.
Brian: 'stop shouting.' LOL. Keep 'em under control, Brian.
Romeo doesn't approve of misogyny but doesn't mind a good stabbing (alleg).
Frankie 'come put this condom on with your teeth/ bum cheeks.' How old is he?! What a revolting pig.
Michael seems to like Natalie, God knows why. Surely he's not fooled by her crap?
Letters from home! Nicola's doing controller's leg. If the letters are going to get shredded anyway then someone should press the button.
I'm sure they'd tell you if your kids weren't alright, Nicola. 'Dear Nicola. Sorry, your kids are dead. Please send flowers.' Fred the shred! Fake crying time! Fake shaking! Only the controller's leg is real. That leg jiggle gives away your true intentions.
Nicola didn't need 21 seconds to shred those letters did she? Tut tut!
Here's Kirk's letter: 'Dear pitbull-face, you've disgraced yourself on TV. You're a sexist pig and ignorant. We've booked you in for some geography lessons. Toodles, Daddy.'
Who's Sonia's letter from, Carol Jackson? How can Carol still sit on that plastic sofa where Billie died? Every time I see her on it, I think of him choking on his own vom. I mean, if you wanted to pick a dispensible Jackson child, Sonia or Robbie would be the obvious choice.
What's gwan on with Nicola's hair? It looks like she just put a labrador through that letter shredder. Ooh, who's first out!
That crowd is JOKES. So, so, so out of touch as usual. Michael and the twins must be thinking 'what'? KIRK! YES! Fuck yes. I just stood up and cheered so loud my cat bolted from the room. This must be what it feels like when your team scores a goal at the foorball. Kirk looked shocked! Haha, after he got cheered just before. Delicious!
Brian better dig into him now.
Kirk: 'is my number working?' I guess the game starts now! LOL! Why the shock? He's a sexist cunt. Public don't like it. Quite simple, really. When will Brian and BOTS get it into their skulls that WE DECIDE not THEM. How can people not see what we see?
It's so gross the way he persists with this 'Georgia was only put in for me' thing, like she's just an object that his daddy bought him.
I'm thrilled he went out on the basis of one vote, and it was the twins wot did it! Brian is soft-soaping him as usual. I'm actually quite disgusted with Brian in general at the moment. It wasn't a conversation in a boat that did for Kirk. It's because he was a grotesque, grubby little gargoyle. Comprende?
The twins don't need to 'do one', Kirk. Because you've already DONE ONE. Ta-ra you fucking thick prick. Now go read a map.
I aint blogging this live feed. Well I might blog a teeny bit. I'm going to post another mini blog for the eviction show! Stay tooned.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: And we're all wondering if the cheque cleared

2012-01-19T21:19:00.003Z

Denise is wearing a uniquely unflattering jumper and a really stupid hat. Yes it's all about you, Denise, that's why we kept Michael in, to piss you off. You kind of think someone who's 53 might 'know herself' (t.m Aisleyne) a bit better, but it just goes to show that some people never grow up. And some people are stupid forever.
Twins: 'I know for a fact you're not going' to Georgia. Michael seems to be going a bit postal, too. Why is he having a go at Georgia? Sterling editing there, as ever, BB. Clear as shit. I truly believe the more maverick you go, the better the chance you have of winning. He reminds me of when Leonardo went nuts in The Beach.
'Will the four best actors come to the Diary Room.' Love the fact Michael didn't even bother getting up.
Michael: 'I have dignity and it's not for sale.' But I thought he was wondering if the cheque's cleared? This resoooomaay don't add up! I don't blame Michael for not wanting to wear a leotard, though. Not with those 170 pictures under his belt. It would get a bit lumpy.
Michael and Denise are like an old married couple. I hope she goes on Friday because I'm sick of it.
A cliche game... they should be good at this.
Loved Michael talking about dead people and whether you really can feel their presence or not. It's an interesting philosophical question and you don't get many of those in the Big Brother house.
Why are they all hugging Michael like they like him now?!
I'm not going to reblog this nominations bit but I'll comment if they show us something we haven't seen before, like a crafty roll-eyes.
Denise and Nicola both look on the edge. I liked the comment I read on Digital Spy today that said everyone might as well have just said 'we nominate the Americans'.
Is Nicola retching again? You wouldn't want to go on an aeroplane with her, would you?
I understand why everyone (except Gareth) is up now, it's because it's a double eviction, so two up wasn't enough. Gareth is so useless. He's a waste of a housemate in my opinion and his accept drives me nuts.
What Michael said about Denise was true. Natalie can like it or lump it. It doesn't matter if Denise has got mental health problems, she IS emotionally disturbed. I think she forgot her meds.
Micheal did NOT snap at Natalie. He just told her the truth. Natalie: 'I don't like false people.' FUCKING RICH! You are purely for show! Your whole life is a fucking production. Every word that comes out of your mouth is contrived, transparent cowshit.
Those twins are fucking amazing. They did a take down of everyone in the house. They're really pissed off that Denise nominated them. I love the fact they think Loose Women is a popular show. I swear Michael and the twins think Loose Women is like our flagship current affairs programme. So who WILL go? Save the twins! I still don't know their names or which one's which. But save them!

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Eviction and live feed (my hands hurt)

2012-01-18T21:03:00.006Z

Brian looks like he's got his old Easyjet uniform on tonight. Why would voting be neck and neck? What reason is there to keep Georgia around? If you really like her, do her a favour and save her from the Kirk flames.
Frankie looks worse than Denise first thing in the morning. Good to see they're treating Frankie well on his birthday. Maybe they'll give him a coke float later.
Georgia: 'I've made lots of friends.' I don't think that feeling is mutual. Michael: 'I like to be there at the finish.' Really? I like to slip off unnoticed about 1am.
'Affectionate' is not the word I'd use to describe Frankie and Kirk. Potential rape statistics is more like it.
I can't work out what is going on between Denise and Michael. If you have any clues, let me know.
I like them forcing Kirk to admit who he nominated. The boat of betrayal. Kirk 'Big Brother begins now!' I've heard him say that about 50 times already. The way he deals with people is some passive aggressive bullshit. He's in the wrong, so he starts on everyone.
Nicola: 'it's not worth it!' I bet she's said that many times outside nightclubs.
I HATE the way Kirk talks to people, he's a proper scumbag. Sonia's like his fucking moll. Does she really like men who behave like that? I love the twins barking at him. I want them on my side in an argument.
Twins going on about being gorgeous: check!
How old is Frankie anyway, 15? His ice sculpture was quite cool. Kings of Leon! There goes your cool points. Sex is on Fire always makes me think of having cystitis. Big Brother doesn't do alternative culture well, does it? It's much safer with The Saturdays.
Uh oh, ding dong! Denise vs Michael again. How much has she had to drink? Uh oh, she's talking to herself. Has she been on the spirits? Denise is like someone crying on the stairs at a party. Michael didn't DO ANYTHING! She's actually unhinged. I think she's in love with him.
Check out those leopard print trousers Gareth's got on!
Denise: 'Michael changes with a drink.' Fucking hell. The hypocrisy. The twins know the score. They've summed it up perfectly.
Denise stripping off! I hate it when women feel they have to take their top off to have a good time. It's worse when they're middle aged. Oh my god, you proper saw everything! Worse is Nicola pretending to be a friend. She isn't.
Michael: 'it's horrifying.' At least Frankie got to be in the hot tub with a topless girl on his birthday. Just not the way he imagined.
Georgia's out! She looks really good, if a little orange. Nice dress. Yeah Georgia go and get your nose fixed, you're hideous. Fucking hell, I'd swap. She's not just a pretty face, she's got a good body, too.
I'm not surprised Georgia is relieved to be out. Everyone hated her or was jealous of her in that house. Conversate-gate. Even Romeo didn't like Georgia, even though he's equally as boring as her.
Questions! Georgia is pointless. Beautiful, but pointless. I'd hate it if people said there was nothing about me. But the truth is, when you look like that, you don't need a personality.
I really want Georgia to say something really nasty about Kirk! Go on, say he's an impotent little shit. Say he stinks. Say he's got a face like a Boglin.
I think they interviewed Georgia for about ten seconds. Never mind. Yay, she backed the twins FTW. I'd like to see them win it. But can they?
Ooh, face to face nominations on the live feed! I'd better keep blogging, then! Fucking hell, is my work here never done? The twins: 'you're lying right now!' I love their turn of phrase.
Nicola looked nervous hearing about the live noms. Hasn't got the balls to nominate the twins to their faces, that's why. It's good because people will go for the easy option in this voting.
The twins demanding champagne before they nominate. Nice. I'd nominate Kirk and Nicola I think, but it's hard because I hate Natalie so much.
Oh no, Michael putting himself up as the stooge. I knew that would happen. Gareth's slightly aggressive pep talk! I'd nominate him, see how he likes that.
Nicola's biting her nails! But who's doing controller's leg? Why have they got to write it on blackboards? This is some good live feed. I hope Big Brother eliminates the soft voting and makes them give real reasons.
Nicola started writing IMMEDIATELY. She's obviously gunning for someone.
Frankie stop breaking the rules! Put him up. LOL he nommed Sonia.
Oh god, I hope it's not the twins vs Michael. That would be awful. I'm really worried that's going to happen.
Yay, the twins nominated Kirk and Natalie. Perfect.
Michael: 'I cannot stand another minute in this house with Denise, she's emotionally disturbed.' True.
Romeo voted for 'Franky' for being rude about women. Bless.
They said they have to take your first nomination, and Frankie's crossed his out! Put him up. Michael vs the twins is not an acceptable scenario. We know you wanted Natalie out!
Nicola is doing a noms cry. This sucks, it's going to be all 'baddies' if the twins or Michael go.
Now we wait whilst the BB producers try and fix it. They'd better, anyway. The twins didn't 'isolate themselves with Georgia'. They just liked Georgia.
Yay, they have fixed it. I wish it was a vote to evict. I'd evict Kirk. Vote to save the twins! And Michael! it's almost impossible to say who would would get the least votes in vote to save amongst that shower. I HATE that Gareth. He's so sanctimonious, and I don't really think he's got a leg to stand on.
Is Frankie going to have a fag now? Is he going to get kicked out of BB, too? It's illegal to smoke indoors in a workplace and he got caught out on the live feed! They'll get fined for that.
Maybe Denise would go in a vote to save? Would anyone bother with her. Why doesn't she go somewhere private and cry? Oh, cos she wants everyone to watch her.
Can't wait an hour for a fag... you never been on a plane before, Frankie?
Kirk: 'open the door so I can get my jumper or I'll boot it through.' Charmed, I'm sure.
Yay, Michael's getting pissy with Natalie on the live feed about being 'diplomatic'. Natalie doesn't like to be 'two-faced'.
I still don't get why everyone takes pity on Denise. She's brought the whole situation on herself. Natalie and Denise are like mother and daughter, they're such a self-rightous pair of arseholes.
The trouble with Romeo is he's SUCH a fence-sitter. He's a nice guy, but he's so fucking boring I could cry.
God I'm really bored now, I need something to eat. And just as they're digging into the wine, too. I hope you waited up for me. Save the Americans. The UK celebs aint worth shit. Night!

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: I can't help being a caring person, can I?

2012-01-17T22:20:00.004Z

That argument between the twins is so blatantly flim flam. We're not fooled, BB.
Memory task? They're ripping off BBUSA again, methinks. I like it when one renegade refuses to do a task, there's always one.
MM is taking part! Let's see how long it lasts. Frankie and Kirk belong in the wheelie bin with the trash. Was that bin really dirty? Groo.
Oh Natalie, save your pious piddle for someone who cares. At least Michael is honest. You couldn't spell the word. Negative! Positive! If you cared about Michael, why didn't you vote out someone else? There's plenty to choose from. You can't have it both ways.
You never see those twins interact with Romeo, do you? Mind you, we don't see much, do we.
Oh, Kirk, you're such a creep. What a complete gimp. He's basically sexually assaulting Georgia in the garden to 'lighten' the situation. So Kirk split up with his girlfriend to get off with girls in the Big Brother house. And he's going to propose to his her when he gets out. What a pathetic little joke. And then he tries to kiss Georgia again. Talk about mixed messages. Revolting, revolting, revolting pervert. He's trying to bully her into kissing him. Is he 12? That's not flirting, it's aggression. Big Brother, please save Georgia from that situation. Awkward isn't the word.
The most interesting thing Romeo has done in that house is sit in that chest. That and wear Michael's pimp pyjamas.
The twins need to take acting classes. Michael was enjoying the show! 'Get your fucking punk ass out of here, you dumb bitch!' is a good insult.
That was real like RE-AL Madrid. Not real in the slightest. Fargument. Frankie can smell the bullshit.
My boyfriend is accusing Romeo of smoking a cigarette 'like a spliff'. What is he suggesting?
Michael is being a sport and sitting in the wheelie bin. Well, he is Oscar the grouch. He likes wearing other people's jackets.
All the idiots in the garden stirring the pot, whilst all the normal people are in the kitchen minding their own business.
Please make Frankie dance to I Gotta Feeling! Justin Bieber, almost as good. I quite liked his dancing, he's got the mooooooooooooooooooooooves like Jagger.
Those twins are 22! That's pretty young. I thought they were nearer my age.
Nicola is plotting her 'next few nominations'. Confident? And she's touting Romeo as a possible?! WTF. What's he done?! And why did we never see it?
Sonia: 'I like chaos. I like noise.' That explains the trumpet.
Denise's snoring is grim. They need to push her onto her side. Oh no, that didn't work. Unless they dubbed that snoring on like they do with nature programmes.
Those twins are SO cocky. Somehow it's not offensive when Americans are like that.
60 seconds to get in Michael's bed is the lols. Singing Happy Birthday in it was a touch, too. I thought that task was alright, actually. Save Michael!

Celebrity Big Brother: Cackle bladdered

2012-01-16T21:19:00.003Z

Denise vs Michael is actually becoming a bit uncomfortable now. He can't stand her cackle. I can't believe anyone in the house could be siding with Denise. 'Imagine if it was me and Michael locked in the room...' Yes, that's what she's imagining. She's becoming quite the bunny boiler. Just LEAVE HIM ALONE, FFS. Even Nicola admits Denise is being unreasonable.
The twins to Georgia: 'we got your back.' I love all that US speak. I hope they start talking about 'backdooring' someone soon.
Every single thing that comes out of Sonia's mouth is laced with 'what will the public think? I must quantify this statement so the public likes me.' I can't STAND it. It's so transparent.
I think Denise is actually unhinged. 'I expect people to get me.' I get you, I just don't like what I see: a desperate middle-aged lady who drinks too much.
Ah, it was Nicola who was immune, not Georgia! Rubbish.
Noms! Frankie nominated the twins for calling him a 'rude annoying pervert after two days of knowing me.' I'd say that's generous, if anything (t.m. Amy Childs)
Everyone is being a coward and voting for Michael instead of Denise. Denise is DEFFO gonna crack first and speak to Michael. I'd bet my blog on it.
Georgia: 'Kirk is a bellend.' We've not seen much of that. I'd like to see more of him being an arse so I could hate him more. I hate him a LOT already.
God, the only reason for nominating anyone in this house is 'they don't ask me questions.' It's not an interview with Heat magazine! They'd love Jamie East in there, he's got all the questions and that stripy t-shirt. They all just expect the world to be grovelling to know every detail of their sad little lives. Do you expect people to ask you questions constantly? I'd think it was weird if they did.
What the fuck is this music they're playing over nominations? It's freaking my boyfriend out. Wow, I think everyone in the house nominated Georgia! Nerd herd. I wish they couldn't talk about it as I used to like them getting in trouble for nominating, plus it was less of a fix. I'd be gutted if everyone had nominated me for being boring.
I hate too many people in that house. It's not healthy.
Michael's off as Denise sits down. It's like Aaron's strops all over again. Now there was a man who knew how to hold a grudge.
Michael and Georgia are up! SURELY no one is going to make the mistake of saving Georgia again?
They should lock Michael in a room and force him to watch Loose Women for hours like when they forced Lady Sovereign to sit in a drawer listening to Basshunter on repeat. Do it, do it, do it, do it! I like Michael, I hope he stays.
Frankie: 'let's go fuck some birds.' Which ones?
Nicola to Georgia: 'I think your nose could look better.' Is she KIDDING? Georgia is as close to perfection as you can get. That is completely disturbing and damaging. She judges Natasha Giggs, but what she's doing is as much of a crime against humanity, because if perfect Disney princess Georgia needs a nose job, what hope a plain-looking girl from down the road? Disgraceful.
Michael suits Denise's coat.
Nicola and Denise justifying their alcohol abuse. 'Sometimes I just go to bed with a novel.' Only someone with a drink problem justifies their drinking like that. A normal person wouldn't even mention it or give it a second's thought.
Nicola's 30? It said she was 28 when she went house. Stop going on about how much your husband loves you. He's probably enjoying the break.
What a weird an uneasy truce at the end with Denise and Michael: 'you're an abomination.' 'You look shit in that coat'. I give it ten minutes before they're going at it again - and not in that way.

Celebrity Big Brother: That fucking broad, man

2012-01-15T22:00:00.004Z

Sup! My netbook is back, as I restored it to factory settings. Luckily I got all my good stuff saved on my other computer. Still, thanks for doing that to me, virus makers. I really appreciate those four hours you stole from my Saturday night.
Nicola did NOT snog Frankie, jokingly or otherwise. How DO you 'jokingly' snog someone, though? At least Frankie admitted that Nicola didn't do it, he stuck up for her quite well, I thought. Imagine being so drunk you didn't know whether you'd snogged someone or not? I've never been that drunk. It's almost as bad as actually doing it, thinking you were capable of doing it! I love the fact Nicola stayed in and made a twonk herself. The twins: 'you didn't embarrass yourself.' You started that rumour! Little stirrers.
Pots and pans wake up call! I've seen that in BBUSA. It's all good fun.
Aw bless, Gareth wants to go see his mummy and daddy. How old is he?! He gave Nicola quite a nice pep talk, really. I like her flamingo jumper.
Uh oh, looks like the twins might be on the shitlist for lying. Denise judging people for being 'pre-alcohol/post-alcohol'! RICH. 'He's become a situation.' No, you're the instigator of that situation. You ARE the situation.
Wow, they've all got the knives out for each other today. Michael is slagging Denise off, too.
I hope Denise watches this show when she gets out and takes a good look at herself. I watched myself drunk on camera once and I was horrified, I was so shrill and annoying, but at least I wasn't berating anyone. And at least it wasn't in front of... however many viewers BB gets these days.
Oh Denise, stop going on about people not asking you questions! No one is that interested in what it's like to work with Kate Thornton, or to fuck that little dude from Auf Weidersen Pet.
I've seen them do this task on BBUSA and it was funny when they got stuck in the treacle.
Denise stuck in the treacle crying was the lols. So Frankie and Georgia are immune from eviction. I don't think either of them would have been up anyway.
Natalie: 'I hate being on my own.' I hate people who hate their own company, there's nothing sadder. It's the hallmark of a really shallow person.
Watching Natalie, Denise and Nicola in full flow brings back memories of the unholy trinity of Jade Goody, Jo O Meara and Danielle Lloyd. It kind of IS psychological warfare.
I am literally agog that Georgia would even contemplate breathing the same oxygen as Kirk Bulldog-Face Norcross. Really? How disappointing.
Oh Denise is sooooo desperate for Michael to like her. She's coming across quite tragic now. No one wants to see your saggy old boobs. I'd go as far as to say they're bullying him now. Why can't they just leave him be?
MM is making a mistake telling Nicola he's going to nominate Denise because that's going to go straight back to her. I swear BB has set up this task just to get Denise out of Michael's hair. If a Hollywood star walks because of a Loose Woman then the producers are going to be really pissed off.
I wouldn't mind spooning with Romeo for a punishment. She's actually obsessed with Michael. She's still going on about him! Ha, they're torturing Denise with Michael's snoring.
Who died and made those twins the arbiter of morals? These are women famous off the back of sleeping with an octegenarian - which I'm not judging, merely pointing out that they're in no position to judge. Twins on Nicola: 'If she's going to walk, let her walk at her weakest point.' That's not the sort of rhetoric you normally hear on UK Big Brother. It's cutthroat and I like it.
I feel like we've missed this 'rift' between Georgia and Kirk. Those twins screw you HARD when they've got you cornered, I'd be doing whatever they said, especially if I was as weak a character as Georgia. Here's a thought: imagine if they won it! Let's make that happen.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: You've not seen my body of work

2012-01-14T20:36:00.003Z

Hashtag #killmenow. Please stop them saying fucking 'hashtag'. Twitter has already fallen out of fashion in my opinion: this is just rubbing salt in the wound. All these no-marks going 'hashtag this' and 'hashtag that' is the worst bit of advertising since John McCruick became the poster-pig for Diet Coke.
Sonia to Michael: 'you've not seen my body of work.' Yes, Michael, check her out her giving birth noisily (is there any other way?) and mourning Jamie Mitchell on UK Gold - actually, I don't think this channel even exists anymore.
Why is Nicola retching at Frankie's wank story? She should go see a doctor, I think she's got something stuck in her throat.
Why is Michael shaving Frankie? Ha, is his face all cut up now.
The way Denise talks to Michael is so rude! Why is she being so blunt with him? I feel sorry for her husband if she's talking to a stranger like that. I liked his pisstake of her afterwards.
Nicola going on about Giggs-gate again? Never! What a 'friend' she is.
Michael: 'is Denise an actress?' How long has he been in there? Loose Women is not QUITE like The View. And he's asking what's she doing in there: what's HE doing in there? He's a movie star! He cut off that ear and everything.
I don't get this date thing, is Frankie deliberately being an idiot? Is it that he's got to do it bad the first time and then improve? Ah, yes. They're not very well dressed for this date, they both look like they've got their pyjamas on.
Where's Kirk? I've not seen him all episode. He's probably gone back to TOWIE for the day.
Frankie's got Michael's pyjamas on for the second date. Better already!
Romeo has a very sexy voice. I'd much rather be on the date with him. Kristina seems much nicer than the other one. Mind you, Frankie seems more bearable this time. WTF is 'squim'?
Frankie went from zero on one date to ten on the other!
They should show more of the photo of Romeo smouldering, too! I'd give him 21 seconds to go.
Nicola is soooooo pious! Honestly, you'd think she was Mother Teresa the way she goes on, and not some 2-bit reality show bint with a Deirdre Barlow neck.
I can see why men go for Natasha. I think she's got a sexy vibe about her. She's got a magnetism that Nicola would kill for.
The twins are doing some alliance play. Nicola STFU about Natasha! We KNOW what you think about it already. Put a sock in it.
Is Denise trying to drive MM out of the house? She's like a dog with a fucking Bonio. Can you imagine trying to argue with that? She's a complete psycho! I'd hide under the covers until she'd gone away.
It is literally hot with embarrassment in that hot tub. Things are getting rather... desperate! It's like watching your mum getting amorous. I wish Romeo would come carry me to bed.
MM is putting hairspray on before bed. Very weird.
Sadly I lost the end of this blog as my computer got a virus, told me I'd been downloading child porn (I hadn't!) but if I paid £75 the police would say no more about it! Amazing. Imagine if this system were true. Actually, with our courts, it probably is.
My netbook is still infected and I've been trying to fix it for two hours. I am very, very, very STRESSED. I can't even remember what happened at the end of BB! This is not exactly how I envisaged my Saturday night.
I might get a Mac. I think I might be done with PCs.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: WAGs on, WAGs off

2012-01-13T21:11:00.004Z

I shant be voting tonight because I'm not bothered who goes. I'd prefer Natasha to stay but I'm not going to actually bother to vote for her. Let the misogynists go at it instead. Bet they didn't make much money on the phones tonight, either way as there's nothing in it.
They're playing Bloc Party over the wake up bit! Bloc Party must have sold every song off their first album a hundred times over.
Michael, Denise is going to be your friend whether you like it or not. Unlucky.
Not more fucking Jedward, FFS. I LIKE Jedward, and even I want to knock their tiny skulls together.
I'm sooo sick of hearing about the 'perception' of Natasha. So if she goes at least we won't have to suffer through that anymore.
Natasha's brother was a charismatic kind of guy. Nicola's husband has fashioned a scarf out of a bathmat. 'Nicola's like Ronseal...' What, astringent and orange? And what does it say on her tin, 'bitchy nonentity'?
Nicola is such a nosy cow. Why doesn't she mind her own fucking business, I swear she's getting off on the whole Ryan Giggs thing. She wants to know every single thing detail, which surely must be prolonging Natasha's husbands agony, which is what I thought Nicola cared about in the first place. Apparently not if there's a good bit of gossip in it.
I agree with Natasha: there's no point being with someone just to argue about that. Some things are not 'get over-able'. Just make the break.
Twins giving Frankie's clothes a bath: whatevs.
More gratuitous semi-nudity as they make them all dress as Playboy bunnies for the night. You could see Natasha's nipple in that bed! Racy. Kirk has moved on, clearly, to whoever's available.
NATALIE. I hate you so much. 'You think she'd learn, the girl.' You judgemental twonk. Seriously, who would take relationship advice from you? What business is it of yours how Natasha acts, who she gets into bed with? NONE! Nicola: 'I want to help you as a friend.' With friends like you, I'd rather go live in the woods, starving and feral. I REALLY hope Nicola goes now! Damn, should have voted. I'd love to know the percentage in it.
I can't BELIEVE Natasha went. She had the potential to be much more interesting, especially the dynamic between her and Michael and the other girls all being like pious little vipers armed against her. Nicola is going to rule that roost now. Is that what you want? Is it? My boyfriend just said, 'she's going to be like Stalin.'
Natasha actually got a few cheers! I like what she's wearing, I think she looks nice. I like the fact she doesn't grovel to the martyrdom that people try and impose on her. Brian seemed to really like her as well.
Not a good eviction, and not a good show highlights show tonight so sorry my blog was a bit lacklustre. If it's going to be a series where the votes go the opposite way to what I want each time, it could get nasty!

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: We've got an extra bottle of wine high five

2012-01-12T21:20:00.003Z

Say what you like about Andrew Stone (and you have), at least he had a heart. How many more people can you say that about in there?
Recap times! I thought they'd been rather too kind with the recaps. Perhaps they're building up to another half an hour one again.
I quite like the dynamic of Denise and the evil twin in the DR. They're quite an incongruous pairing. I don't think Karissa would know what a 'fried Mars bar' is, do you?
Her reaction to eating the cow piss was a bit like how I imagine a blowjob with Hugh Hefner ends: 'you lied - I'll fucking kill you!' and then running round retching.
Denise drinking cow's urine out of a bowl! Hardcore. That twin is hilarious. She's completely psycho. I love brash Americans. Denise must be pissed off she drank the wee wee for nothing.
Sonia saying the twins aren't that pretty. Oh dear. Not a wise conversation to have. even Nicola knew to steer clear.
I love these tasks where they just shit-stir by reading out nasty comments they said. It's delicious. 'I'm quite happy to say it.' Yeah right. That's why you said things behind backs.
Nicola is looking dead ratty today. I think she's turning feral.
Natasha: 'I can't imagine anyone thinking Denise is annoying'. Really? Have you seen Loose Women?
There's a lot of smokers in that BB house. These 'celebs' must be under a lot of pressure. Nicola is 'upset' with what Georgia said. That's rich. You can't stand her! Nicola looks like a giant rodent in that BB chair. Call the exterminator.
Oh, Andrew, I will miss your delusions.
Apparently Nicola will NOT say it to her face after all. Anyone who says the word 'banter' needs to have their loved ones lined up and shot. Georgia is being pissy about this 'apology', I love it. FROSTY.
I don't care about this Georgia/Kirk thing. If she fancies him I have zero respect for her. He's a disgusting little pig. I'm even more annoyed that she's there and Andrew's not, cos she has zero game.
I HATE people who say 'marshMELLOWS.' Kirk is so on my shit list. I'm not surprised he does that misogynistic dancing either. Who'd have thought you could misogynistically dance? It seems like an oxymoron. Andrew would never do it!
I heard Denise say on live feed that her disgusting pink tracksuit was from Florence and Fred (ie. Tescos own brand). Seriously, how much are they paying her on Loose Women?
The most touching tribute to a departed housemate ever comes from the twins: 'Andrew drunk wine so we've got an extra bottle!' and then gave each other a high five! They are a piece of work! Brilliant stuff. Even if you thought it, you wouldn't say it out loud!
Nicola: 'I'm a married mother of two, I don't care if a 25 year old likes me.' This bitch is 28. What a tosspot.
Denise is a fucking piss artist. I bet she's clucking for some charlie as well.
I think Michael has little cocktail glasses on his pyjamas. LOL. He's got some good nightwear. Michael is OBSESSED with Natasha. I think he wants her to be his bit on the side.
Denise is being confrontational. Uh oh, she's a nutso drunk. Idea: if you're a mad drunk, don't go on TV and then drink. Unless they cut that so badly you can't tell what's what. Which I wouldn't be surprised about. But I suspect she's just a mad drunk.
PS: Live feed! It doesn't work as an hour show. It's background, like Deal or No Deal or the tennis. It's for late nights and early mornings, not for concentrating on in a chunk. Just give us four hours or something each night, you tight cunts. Cheerz. It WAS nice to see the unedited BB. But come on now. Give us a Bonio. PS: I don't thing they mentioned Andrew once on that live feed. That's showbusiness!

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: (Andrew) Stones taught me to fly

2012-01-11T22:16:00.004Z

Sorry I'm late, I had to wait for my boyfriend to get home to watch it. I wouldn't normally bother, but he actually voted for the first time ever (to keep Andrew Stone!) so I thought I'd better do the right thing.
Apparently word on the street is he's not the only one to vote for the first time in ages, and honestly, could anyone really expend the energy to dial for Georgia? Yes, you're gorgeous. I'm delighted for you. Now go home.
Brian is struggling to read the autocue. He accidentally said something about Kirk being a cunt. Fair enough, say what you see.
Frankie's bedhead is extraordinary. Oh, shopping list times! 500 bananas, please. Hold the food colouring.
I like Karissa picking her sister as the most beautiful in the task. Narcissistic, much? LOL to Nicola being called the Big Bad Wolf. OMG Andrew Stone as the beast: talk about kicking him when he's down.
Fucking hell, Sonia looks rough today. I'm sure I'd slap a bit of mascara on if I was somewhere with wall to wall breast implants: it's worse that an NHS waiting room in there.
Andrew actually looks quite decent in the wolf costume. Hold on, I thought Nicola was the wolf?
Gareth is the LEAST good looking person in that house in my book, well, a tie with Towie. I'd rather shag Andrew Stone. *insert your own homo/heterophobic joke here*
Andrew's mum: 'He's got 30 years in showbusiness.' Has he? Has he really? 30 years bullshitting, more like.
Georgia's friend confirms she is 'human' before admitting he's seen her boobs. Fab. Brian: 'I like it.' Obv.
Kirk suits that pig's outfit. I read on DS he's rich. He neither looks like or talks like he's rich. And what school did he go to? Romeo's not go much swag in that pig outfit, innit. Andrew ordering Romeo not to nominate him again if he stays.
WTF is this Big Bad Wolf song? Sounds like something my boyfriend puts on at 3am on Friday night right before he goes to 'lie down for ten minutes' then passes out.
It's hard to tell if Frankie's got the pig nose on or not, oink oink.
That haystack/ wind machine thing was ridiculous, but it did make me laugh.
It's cruel making Andrew do this task. He IS more attractive than Gareth. I hate Natalie's passive aggressive shit towards Andrew, she's an utter cunt.
Andrew's hair is looking super frazzled. His hair is spelling out his mood.
MM to Andrew: 'you really are useful!' Cruel. The music they played over the foot massage was silly. I like to finish a foot massage by doing the splits, don't you?
Shit, I really hope Andrew isn't going to go. Natalie: 'I don't want Andrew to go.' Bullshit! You've instigated the whole thing. I hate her faux sincerity.
Andrew is out! What a croc. Great, I can't wait to see days of Kirk and Frankie talking about masturbating. This series is turning out to be a bit of a damp squib.
Andrew is leaving via horse and carriage. It's like a flashback to Jordan's wedding. At least the pumpkin is shielding him from the worst of the boos. I'm really disappointed. I feel like sending him out in that outfit is a pisstake, too.
Honestly, I don't feel like I like anyone in that house now. I don't even feel like watching the little crumb of live feed they're serving us up in a thimble.
Frankie, call yourself a rock and roller: nominating someone for being 'out there'?! Idiot.
Aren't you thrilled that we get to watch Gareth and a Loose Woman now, instead of Andrew? I mean, it would be more bearable if it was Carol McGiffin.
Andrew: 'the best relationship you can have is with yourself.' That's a sad statement!
Put your index fingers in the air and say goodbye to Andrew. I thought it was crap when they put him in, I was wrong. He was ace.
I'm holding Sonia personally responsible for this, saying she was scared of a little camp dude. Get a grip, you plate-faced prick.
Come on Georgia, nominate someone decent and redeem yourself. Nominate Nicola! The knives will be out. LOL Nicola and Natasha. Perfect. Oh, Georgia, your life is going to be HELL. Nicola is grim-faced. There's so much bile for both of those that it's hard to choose between them. Nicola is the obvious one to boot; look at her twitching.
I watched five mins of live feed and apparently 'it's all good'. We give it 30 mins until it kicks off. Night!

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Reservoir horndogs

2012-01-10T22:01:00.004Z

Oh shut up Natalie Cassidy: frightened of Andrew? That's like being frightened of a puppy with a leg missing. Yeah, he's going to handstand you to death. She's said a few shit-stirry things now that I haven't thought were that cool. She's coming across quite hard, I think. I know it must be hard for her, living an entire life with that face, but don't take it out on the rest of us.
What Andrew said would have pissed me off too, though, opinions are subjective, even on Frankie's voice (!)
Andrew is doing himself no favours by being so abrasive with everyone. Natalie is going on about being petrified again! If she is 'petrified', which I don't believe she is, it's because of her recent unfortunate experience, not anything to do with Andrew. No need to beat Andrew with that proverbial slipper.
Jedward alert! Adjust your volume accordingly. I'm not too fussed about them bringing previous celebs back. I'd prefer to find out what the new ones are like: I mean, have you seen Romeo lately? I don't think he's had a line in four days, he's worse scripted than Tracy from Eastenders.
Apparently Georgia has got a boyfriend and there was a video of her telling Kirk as much. Funny they've not shown it on the highlights.
My boyfriend has declared the Towie pillock Rudy off Misfits. Even Rudy has more charm.
The Frankie diet of cigs and crisp sandwiches sounds good. Except the cigs.
Frankie is wearing green jeggings and espadrilles. For fuck's sake! This is a man who think George Lamb is a style icon. That means dude who hosts Cheaters is a style icon. He isn't.
OMG Towie dude is RUBBING HIS WILLY. He's so disgusting. Please throw him out soon, he's more sexually offensive than Jay Mccrae.
This Jedward task is boring. Come back Tree of Temptation, all is forgiven.
I'm surprised those blowjob twins even eat sandwiches. Love Denise ordering MM to make her a cup of coffee, and him not knowing how to do it. I never know either; coffee is groo.
Yegads, Frankie Cocozza is such a little prick. I want to stamp on his fingers. He could really have turned round public opinion on him. But he is exactly what everyone thought. Gary Barlow: I hope you're pleased with yourself. Are you still 'just a phonecall away' for him? Can BB make that call happen in the Diary Room? Come on, it'll be a laugh.
Good to see nutty Andrew up and dancing again. But it's ambiguous if it was a task or just one of Andrew's wise ideas.
I liked Denise's reaction to eating in the DR room. I wouldn't want to eat with that camera looming over me, either.
Do they ever stop taking about 'tits' in that house?! I wouldn't even speak to a bloke who said 'tits'.
MM has a soft spot for Natasha. He wants to do a life swap with Ryan Giggs. He's going in deep! This is quite a worrying daydream he's having. Michael is right; he does overthink. Worryingly so! I think he does fancy Natasha, but it's just the Big Brother Brain (t.m. the Dark Horse). It wears off about three days after you leave the compound.
Women talking about shoes. Could there be anything more disappointing? Yes. If Andrew gets evicted tomorrow. Do the right thing.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Tugboat ninny

2012-01-09T21:30:00.004Z

Do they normally have a gym, or is it only on the celeb version? No wonder Nicola McCow never let her husband see her without her make up on, she's a total Boglin. Keep trowling it on!
Nom noms! I know who's up which takes the joy out of it a bit but it's hard to avoid it each time.
Frankie: 'I need to have a tug, especially looking at those twins.' Er... sex pest? Objectifying? Gross!
So the twins are allowed to talk about noms cos they're as one housemate, right?
Denise is nominating Georgia. Georgia is just the female Bobby Sable. Didn't we learn our lesson from him? Denise is upset that Michael hasn't asked her any questions about herself. Could it be that he doesn't care? Could it?
Nicola coughs like a pig oinking. Keep them twins in! They've seen through Nicola's crap. They're complete arseholes, but I kind of like their robotic cruelty.
Frankie's vote for Andrew was homophobic whether Andrew's gay or not. Frankie is nominating the twins in case he accidentally rapes them, by the sounds of things. Lovely.
MM seems to only be happy when he's talking about himself and his wonderful career. Denise is right, he does take no interest in anyone else. He's funny sometimes, but I don't like him much.
Frankie moaning about people asking to get their photo taken with him. That truly is reality TV eating itself.
How can Nicola not be up? She's rotten.
Georgia: 'there's something false about Andrew.' Hmm, what could it be?
Romeo is doing 'mum nominations': nominating one woman for not washing up and one for being a slag (I'm paraphrasing). They're not showing nearly enough of him lately.
It's interesting that a lot of people have said Andrew makes them feel uneasy. Bless him, he's got no self-awareness.
Missing your kids, Nicola? Well, you know you can always shut the front door after you. *laboured*
Are they allowed to talk nominations? They must be. I don't really admire Georgia's gameplay because what's the point of going in there and not talking to anyone? It's not good viewing. It's not entertaining. It's cheating us, the three viewers.
I really hope MM doesn't nominate Andrew. Oh no, he did. Sad face. Same reason as everyone else. He's hiding something. What if he's not? What if he is just a bit insecure and attention seeking - and straight? What then?!!
Andrew: 'when Natasha has a few drinks she gets quite loud and opinionated.' Heaven forbid. Frankie and Kirk the Crazy Frog do both objectify women. It's like they did work experience at Nuts magazine and never left.
I feel sorry for Andrew. But I think no matter how many times you tell him he's this and that, he'd never listen. I feel like the 'baddies' have teamed up against Andrew due to the lax nomination talk rules.
Didn't like Sonia dissing Andrew. There's nothing wrong with being ambitious. Where will you be next year, back with your trumpet going back out with a wife beater?
Of all the annoying, self-obsessed arsehole people in that house why is Georgia up? It doesn't make sense.
Ha, just noticed the twins have two-tone hair. Is that still fashionable in America? It hasn't been seen in the UK since the late nineties. Except on Andrew Stone.
Georgia's body! I'd swap. She's got proper cartoon character proportions. She might be a hologram.
Andrew Stone (have you noticed he's one of those people you can't refer to by first name alone? It has to be Andrew Stone, never Andrew) looks miffy-ied. He's having a little sulk, I think. 'It is what it is. What will be will be.' Oh dear, he's completely mentalz. I like this 'Video Games' song! This is the most mainstream thing I've liked since Coldplay.
Michael is a backstabber! I'll never forgive him for this. Never! Andrew's (OK I'm breaking my own rule) profile picture is super, especially when he's going down a shame spiral.
Romeo's coat looks like he's sticking his head out of a flower. Disturbing. I hate it when girls on these programmes show each other their plastic or otherwise boobs. Girls DONT DO THAT. OK, a friend of mine showed me her pierced nipples once. But I didn't ask her to.
Andrew is taking this nomination REALLY well, isn't he? He's absolutely fine with it. Really. It's all good. I don't give a fuck.
Andrew: 'I've been very giving, very loving and very funny.' WTF! Who talks about themselves like that? Lock away the knives, please.
Nicola can take the piss out of Andrew all she likes, but I'd like to see her reaction when she gets put up.
Andrew: talking about himself in the third person. Check. Referring to himself as 'Andrew Stone'. Check. Making a complete knob of himself: check. Him to stay, then! Save him. It'll really piss off the others, too. Win/win!

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Listen here, Justin Beiber

2012-01-08T22:02:00.003Z

Yay! The day they all start fighting. Knew it wouldn't take too long after the 'we all get along so well - everyone in here is so nice' conversation.
Two days in a row now I've heard people say 'shut the front door' instead of 'shut the fuck up.' I prefer 'shut the fuck up.'
I don't think Kirk and Frankie are going to bring out the best in each other. It's like Aden and Anton again: two silly boys pretending to be the big man. Do people really say 'hashtag something'? It's cringier than 'OK.com'. #notdownwiththekids
Where did Jodie Marsh spring from? I think she looks quite cool. I like her hair. I have a soft spot for the Marsh. The bile she brings out in people is inexplicable. She's mad, but she's not bad.
This task is just an excuse for the cameramen to letch over all the bodies, isn't it?
Have you seen Andrew do the splits yet? I haven't!
Jodie Marsh looks tiny! Her face looks alright again now, she doesn't look so botoxed and weird as recentlyand her boobs look more natural, too.
I couldn't eat a raw egg for a million quid. I don't do eggs. I can barely even watch. Why is Nicola McAnnoying retching?
The pose off is going on too long. Zzzz. Should have got Jodie Marsh to have given a powerpoint lecture on animal rights instead.
Aw to them bitching about Andrew being his back! Nicola seems like the instigator. Is he going to become the underdog? The people's champ? He's not going to take it well if they put him up. He's going to have a meltdown.
There's not much to write about these sporty tasks. I prefer the twins moaning about the boys putting their hands down their pants? 'It's disrespectful in front of girls, especially women like us.' Like what?! Joyless slightly melted Barbie dolls?
MM: 'I think people are running out of friendliness.' Nicely put. That's a feeling I know only too well.
I liked it when that twin dissed Kirk and then looked all pleased with herself.
And now a chef is it the house. Remember when Big Brother involved 'no contact with the outside world'? Me neither. Yeah thanks for the food, Aldo, just get us a KFC next time, yeah?
Andrew on the twins: 'I can't work out which one's which.' MM: 'does it matter?' Quite. The Reservoir dog and the dance teacher are a bit of an unlikely friendship. I like Andrew Stone's OTT laugh.
Twinbots: 'we're hot and fit and smart.' And modest, and likeable.
Ah, they're mainlining lager. Let the fighting commence. Those twins are getting loud and sweary because they're drunk. Frankie is going to cry in the DR because they called him Justin Bieber. Oh and no one will shag him.
MM is not appreciating the twap. Who can blame him?
I can't wait to see Nicola hang herself. Georgia doesn't need 'anything about her' when she's got those boobies, you idiot. The way Kirk retold that story about one of the twins telling them to shut up was a complete whitewash. Him and Nicola can both fuck off. The only way is eviction.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: That's Al for you

2012-01-07T20:28:00.003Z

Oh, they are still putting the names up on the screens! I take it back. We are still being patronised.
I've gone off Natasha Giggs already. She's quite blasé about everything. I liked MM digging her out. He was asking some very personal questions. 'My sister wouldn't do that'. Well, that's what we'd all like to think, isn't it?
Andrew: 'When I perform, I completely forgot I have a profile.' Yeah, right. This is a dude that probably masturbates into a mirror. I've decided he's quite good entertainment, though. He's so ludicrous you just have to go with it. Plus he's going to give me all my blog titles. Oh, he's from Kettering. I used to know a nutter from Kettering (I'm from Northampton). It figures. 'I was born in 1972...' Who talks like this about themselves? Only someone who's making up their age.
Michael Madsen's skin looks like old leather today. I can relate to Romeo feeling upset about wearing silk pyjamas. Silk sheets are gross, you slide all over the place. I bought silk sheets once thinking they'd be romantic and knocked my drink flying three nights in a row. Binned them after that.
I feel sorry for Frankie begging for an invite to the Playboy mansion. What a narrow, sad little world view he has and what a low opinion of women. I watched Jamie East's show and those twins seemed like absolute horrors. Yeah right, they never slept with Hugh Hefner. 'We always had to be smiling.' Yeah, through gritted teeth, right before they sucked the Twiglet of Doom.
What have those twins been arrested for?! Bet it was drunk driving, lol. Denise took so many class A's she thought she'd made an award winning film.
Those twins are wrong 'uns. Hit someone with a beer bottle? They're soulless! This IS like the Priory. LOL to Andrew's X factor story. They should have kept Romeo's suitcase longer.
Andrew Stone's delusions of grandeur are a joy to behold. He truly is a one-off. Argued with his girlfriend indeed! Was he reading her a fairy story at the time?
This task is quite smart as it's encouraging people continue to to dish the dirt on themselves after it finished. Cunning.
It is cowardly writing a letter to tell your husband that you're cheating. But I don't really want to pass judgement too much as that makes me the same as all the misogynists queuing up to lynch her.
The conversation: 'Were they really expensive, your boobs?' 'Ten grand.' makes me weep.
I've been informed the evil twins have bum implants. They should have had personality implants at the same time.
This geography thing makes me ashamed to be human. The fact that he doesn't know where America in is actually disturbing and embarrassing, and a matter for national humiliation. I can't stand this kid. American's are known for their geographical ignorance; we shouldn't be. What a dimlo. If there's one thing I can't stand it's people who are proud of being thick, and that's this Towie lot's currency. That Kirk is so fucking ugly. If he honestly believes that Georgia is going to get off with him, then his next career is teaching geography.
Natalie: the principle characteristic of being a gay guy is sleeping with men, so if he says he's not, then I guess we have to take his word for it, if it makes him happy. Maybe he's gay but he's never had a gay experience. Who knows?
MM's name dropping was legendary. He's so stand-offish and then he just needles secrets out of people or has a brag-fest. Nice.
What is with Nicola digging the dirt on Natasha? I thought she was appalled by the morality, seems like she wants to know every single detail like some sort of pervert.
Kirk: 'are your eyelashes fake, are your boobs fake?' What a way to chat someone up! My boyfriend says whenever he sees someone called Kirk he thinks of Kirk from Corrie. So just think of Kirk from Corrie every time you set eyes on Towie Kirk. Except Kirk from Corrie is more handsome. He's making SUCH a dick of himself. Does he HONESTLY believe she'd get off with him? When he looks in the mirror, what does he see? Because I see a pasty-faced little Crazy Frog lookalike. Bit duff tonight. More booze for the housemates, please.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: You look at things very three dimensionally

2012-01-06T21:07:00.005Z

Fuck man, someone ticked the box that says 'blah' under my blog. Better up my game! Shall I just go 'I like it! I like it! I like it!' instead? OK I promise, I'll be nice tonight. Hahahaha!
Natalie probably takes her shoes off at home in case someone gets mad and beats her with it. No sharp objects in the Cassidy household. Flip flops only. Bless her though, I still think she did ace. Is she 'the chosen one' now?
I didn't even realise MM was in Free Willy, I thought she was (well, BB was) taking the piss.
What a massive honour to be on BB, Andrew Stone. Yes, that's why Posh and Angelina are sitting in there right now chatting to Cruise and JLo. The celebs are breaking down the proverbial door.
I've decided I don't think I like this rugby dude. He seems like a boring git. I'm basing that on not very much, admittedly, but also my boyfriend read an interview with him and said he came across like an arse.
I read today Nicola Mccuntrag is 28! Is she buggery. I love the twins sitting there stony-faced, like two grumpy plastic book-ends.
I hope the Noirin/Kardashian hybrid has got some character. Please don't let all the pretty girls be vacuous. It's bad for the woman brand.
Natasha: 'ex footballer's wife'. Shouldn't that be 'footballers ex-wife'? I like the way she dealt with Nicola, like she couldn't give two fucks. She might be alright, who knows? Who's going to hold their mealy-mouths shut until we find out?
When Natalie said 'plus size' to the porno twins they looked baffled, like they'd never heard of such a thing. Plus sized? Is that above a size 2? We don't have that on our planet.
Romeo schmoozing Denise Welch. Nice. They're actually doing this 're-cap' bit quite well, they're not labouring it too badly. At least they're giving us little crumbs we hadn't seen before. Have you noticed they're not doing the patronising names on the screen? How will I know who's who? Might have to pay attention! No, mammy!
And these words might come back to haunt me, but I have a feeling I'm going to like Frankie. There: I said it!
I bet Andrew is regretting applying that blusher in Adam Ant style when he's trying to chat up Georgia. 'I'm 39. I'm an old man.' No reaction.
Romeo: I love it when boys call people 'boss' it's really cute. He seems like a decent guy so far.
Andrew is 39, has he mentioned it? He's also 'very straight.' Do straight people need to qualify their straightness by saying 'very' straight? They very don't.
'You look at things three dimensionally.' What the fuck does that mean? Do you need special glasses for that? Andrew truly is the prince of poppycock.
Apparently Gareth's friends with Ryan Giggs. I like Natasha already, she just seems down to earth, which I suppose she would, as she's notorious, not famous.
This task got even worse for poor Natalie! Poor thing.
Loving MM's condom talk. That DR chair is alright, innit. I never got a proper look at it last night.
That's the first time I've seen the twins look animated when they said they might not get their suitcase. I don't think Natalie deserved to fail. She couldn't have done more. Is Romeo too good to be true? Can anyone be that charming and affable? I thought So Solid were all bwad bwoys?
Love Denise flirting with Romeo. Can't wait to see him in Nicola's dressing gown. Wow, MM's pyjamas are amazing. Where would you buy those buggers?
The bedroom looks good. I like the furry throws. I like it, I like it! Etc.
Frankie first in the hot tub! I should think so, my son. Banged any birds yet?
Romeo: 'my swag's gonna be a mess.' Love him commenting on the pyjamas. I like his turn of phrase.
Andrew's 15-year marriage clap for MM was the cringe. Is MM hinting that Andrew should put his clothes away for him? I certainly hope so. Andrew should be MM's bitch. Make yourself useful.
Twin 1 got bored in the Playboy mansion. She's going to get bored in the BB house, then. Moaning about all night parties. Yeah, it's a trial, isn't it? Well, it is when you have to suck that rotten old cock at the end of it, right?
Those sausages look absolutely vile. MM wants paper plates. Does he want someone to squeeze his toothpaste out for him like Prince Charles, too?
I don't think Natasha should over-egg this 'the way I've been portrayed in the media' thing. What you did was shitty, media or no but no one could really give that much of a fuck. I don;t wake up in a cold sweat thinking about Imogen Thomas, let alone Natasha Giggs. Glynn, if anything. Now, just don't mention it and let people get to know you.
I like Denise's pyjamas. Her family were probably worried about her making a twat of herself. They're probably going to be proved right. Actually, I don't mind her thus far. And we all know she gets the party started... sniff! Hey, she can sort Frankie out, they both like a bit of the naughties.
Nicola: 'I tend to act a personality.' What?! Can you imagine saying such a thing? Her whole persona is an act. She's a façade in the shape of a humanoid.
LOL to Romeo in MM's pyjamas. They are proper pimp stylee. So not impressed with this Kirk dude, either. He's not doing it for me in any way shape or form. Especially not when they zoom in on him scratching his nuts.
Liking the series very much so far. From this episode I think Romeo could EASILY win it. Easily. Now, don't do anything to prove me wrong!

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Launch show

2012-01-05T21:07:00.014Z

Warning! This blog is homophobic, then sexist, then racist. But as it's all bases covered, I think it cancels itself out. If not, arrest me for hate crimes. I'll go quietly.
Why, Big Brother, back so soon? Thank God, my blog's been deader than the Brand nuptials. Brian is looking quite chic in his leather gloves.
They're getting on with it quick, I love it! No turgid trawls around the house. Davina, you're a dim and distant memory. The house looks good from the little they've shown.
First up: Natalie Cassidy. Trumpet times. I hope they're putting her ex in as well, restraining order permitting. I used to think she was alright but then I watched a show with her in and she was insufferable. What weight is she now, as that's the only currency she sells magazines in. Do you think she's as famous as it's going to get? I do.
They've called her to the Diary Room (DR secret task at the ready!) I hope they're going to give her a trumpet and force her to say she takes it everywhere with her. Oh they've given her an ear piece and they're going to embarrass her. Well she's an actress, she should be able to handle it.
JLO is advertising Fiat now? Ok.
Is Michael Madsen a big druggie, or is that the other one who's dead? Tom Sizemore would have been good. Is he the dead one? I saw him on Celeb Rehab a while back. This guy should be good, looks like he's going to take some names. Loving his blond highlights! Super.
Brian seems to be stuck in an 'I like it' loop. Quick, replace his batteries, or failing that, pull his string.
Lovely shirt Michael's got on. I think Sonia is ingratiating himself with him. I've decided to just call her Sonia, it's easier. Welcome pack times! Michael: 'it's a good gig'. He's here for the cash, obv. Friends with Vinnie Jones? I hope he's not going to commandeer the kitchen and get beaten by a snowman-destroying orange bonehead like the V man. Actually, that was ace.
OMG Andrew (gall) Stone! Really? I can't stand this twonk. That really is beyond the pale. He's already said about fifteen cliches in a row. A tenner on MM to knock his block off. Do you mind if I call Michael Madsen MM because I always have to think how to spell Michael, it's like a mental hole in my brain. Let's do nicknames for everyone, that won't be confusing, will it? Looks like they've been using the same Sun-In as him, too. Andrew actually looks better than I've ever seen him look before. He is a total bender though, I don't care what anyone says. I just ran the phrase 'total bender' past a member of the LGBT community and apparently it's completely unacceptable, even when you use it about a closet case. I take it back. I actually feel like Andrew's a bit low rent for Big Brother. Low rent for Big Brother! Can you imagine?
Brian: 'I like that!' Is he nervous or what? I hope someone's told him off in the break.
Next up are some siblings who have both sucked Hugh Hefner's grisly old cock. Their noses look a bit peculiar, too. I'm sure they're lovely girls, though. Great personalities.
Hold on, why didn't BB make Sonia have a go at Andrew Stone? Too easy?
I bet those twins have never seen someone as ugly as Natalie Cassidy. They normally have to get paid to hang around people that disgusting. Well they're getting paid, but at least they're not having to fuck someone for it.
Frankie is going to wind me up something chronic but he's going to be an entertaining housemate because of that. Tonight's going to be a good, good night! Shagging birds! Phwoar! Skinny jeans! Boooooooo! I think he might even be too much of a caricature for me to get annoyed with him. It's like getting annoyed at Rugrats.
Frankie: 'I'm not fussy.' LOL. That must be a comfort to all the 'birds' he's 'shagged'.
Michael to Frankie: 'that's quite a hairdo you've got there.' Indeed.
Andrew Stone smarming up to Frankie Cocozza must be a new low on NATIONAL television. Desperation!
Natalie is actually being a good sport. OK, I'll call her Natalie whilst she's being cool, when she's being a dick again, it's back to Sonia, and back on the naughty step with the trumpet. Kissing Frankie! Well, he said he wasn't fussy.
The two Barbies look stiff as a board. You probably have to stick some money in a slot at the back of their necks every half an hour to reanimate them.
Well, so far in this blog I've been homophobic and sexist. Hopefully they'll put a black person in in a minute so I can do the full Diane Abbott.
The line up is actually looking quite good so far.
Ah, the first outwardly gay rugby player. He can give Andrew a talking to about coming out of the closet. Sportspeople aren't very interesting though, are they? It's all about eating raw eggs and having to win everything. I can't be bothered with it. Him and Michael to chum up as the alpha males.
I think Brian is on a secret host task to say he loves everything, bless him. He's cracking under the pressure.
I HATE Nicola Mclean. Anorexic, thick, bitchy, acrylic hair, she's just a waste of what little space she's still taking up. I can't STAND people who don't let their husbands see them without their make-up on, crazy Stepford wife behaviour. I like the fact Nicola called Natalie 'Sonia from Eastenders', though. The ultimate diss. Still, at least 'Sonia from Eastenders' is a real job that requires talent. I don't like the impression that Nicola made already coming in and 'fuming' about not being given booze. What a harridan.
They should have made Natalie say something nasty to Nicola like 'your tan is streaky' or 'your boob job is really good.' I think Natalie really hates her. And who wouldn't? Is Sonia going to end up becoming my hero?
You could tell MM liked Frankie as soon as he came in. You know when you just see someone and know they're a bit of rough like you? I think it was like that.
I don't know who people off TOWIE are because if I want to watch bad acting, I just stick Eastenders on and wait for a Moon to come on the screen. I hate the fact these Towie people are on everything because they're thick and uninteresting. It was bad enough when we had to suffer through Jack Tweed and his magnetic armpit of a personality.
Next up is the Bobby Sable of the group, Kim Kardashian lookalike 'swimwear model' someone something or other. Did Brian Dowling just call her 'it'? He's on fire tonight, he's more offensive than I am! My boyfriend just said Brian 'looks like a murderer from the 1800s in that outfit.'
Too many dolly 'birds' in that house. Where are the intellectuals?! Failing that, where's the male totty? (My principles are reasonably flexible)
They've changed the bath. It's not 'the shape of an egg t.m' anymore!
It's going to be like Heathers in there with all the Barbie's teaming up against Natalie's natural grotbagsness. Fight the plastics!
A few Big Brother topics are finally trending on Twitter! It's a miracle.
Next up: Natasha Giggs. Is she a celebrity? Booooooo, burn the witch! Slut! Etc. It IS wrong that someone is 'famous' for sleeping with someone. But it's BB who's put her in there. And what's wronger will be the outpouring of anti-female hate we'll have to hear for the next three weeks. At least she looks like a real person. LOL her mum has to tape it and censor it before her babies see it 'because they don't need to know about Uncle Ryan' says my boyfriend. The hate is beginning right on this sofa!
LOL to Nicola going 'I shouldn't have made judgements'. Her feet must be getting tired from all that back-peddling.
I thought Romeo from So Solid Crew was Alesha Dixon's ex. But that's Harvey. Harvey is a hottie. This guy, not so much. OK here's my final offensive thing for the full house: how come black people can say 'tasks' but not 'ask'? Have I taken it too far now? I will issue a full Twitter apology tomorrow. No I'll issue it right now. I'm not a racist!
Romeo's real name is Marvin Dawkins. Ace. I will endeavour to call him that from time to time. He seems very charming. 21 seconds to go, etc.
What did MM just whisper to Romeo? 'There's a lot of chickens in here...' Romeo: 'say no more'. The plot thickens! I loved that exchange.
That's mean of Big Brother to say to Natalie 'tell them you do a lot of modelling'. She looked really embarrassed. I don't like them humiliating her like that, it's unnecessary as she probably feels self-conscious in that house full of dollies anyway. Slapped wrist, BB. I love the blank looks from the Americans about Eastenders. Sonia: 'Eastenders is like Dallas.'
Denise Welch! I know for a FACT she's still a massive cokehead. Don't ask me how I know, but I know someone who knows. *taps nose* Allegedly, in case she sues me. I hope that's not real fur. It doesn't really look like it as it's a bit ratty, hardly Kelly Rowland-esque (I'm still joking, I don' t support animal cruelty, or racism, or oppression in any form. Except against Towie cast members.)
They should make Natalie say something mean about Denise's coat. Aw, holding hands is too cute. Let the chickens cluck! I'm surprised no one has twigged she's on a task. I think Natalie did brilliant. She's earned her keep. Crying is not that weird in the Big Brother house. Rebeckah (remember her?) cried when she first walked in. I can see Natalie and Denise being mates. They're both common as muck.
This flashback at the end is weird. It's been so good this season! Nah, the line up is alright, but could have done with one handsome indie boy. Now where is that crumb of live feed they've promised us?

Christmas Top of the Pops 2012

2011-12-25T15:02:00.001Z

I'm blogging this on my phone so if it disappears halfway though, I wouldn't be surprised. I have got my netbook but my dinner's nearly ready so have to be ready to bust a move. I've already got the stink eye for eating a crisp sandwich too near dinner time.
Ah they've dug up reggie and fearne again. Delightful. Makes me pine for Jonathan King.
Example has got a face like a jug-eared child blowing up a balloon.
What is the difference between Example and Professor Green? They both look like chubby-faced little oiks you used to go to school with. Maybe I'm too old. But I suspect it's just rubbish, isn't it? Read all about it. No ta.
Will Young. That's some groovy dancing he's doing there. He looks like he's had a heavy night on whatever posh people drink.
Olly Murs looks fat but I think it might be my mum's huge telly. Is he not doing the one about the crab?
Ed Sheeran now. Nice jumper. There's not been a woman on yet. This is worse than Matt Cardie.
The Wanted. Do not want. Sexists.
Jessie J. Go away. Rubbish songs, odious personality. Dressed like a Christmas decoration. That plaster cast was the height of her career, it really was.
Didn't chewing over notes like that go out of fashion in the 90s?
Noah and the Whale. I guess that's the indie box ticked. Nothing for me this year, obviously. My mum is unimpressed with both Noah, the whale and Jessie J. She also predicted 'people will get sick of her soon.' Soon?
Even Pixie Lott has got out the washing machine for her song. Honestly 90s dance culture has been pillaged thoroughly this year. Darude, you were ahead of your time.
The only good thing I can say about this TOTP is they haven't repeatedly told up what's coming up for once. Probably because they're too embarrassed.
I don't know who The Vaccines are but my mums boyfriend said 'they sound like a group you see in a pub' and I don't think he meant it as a compliment.
Adele is beautiful. But she's not for me.
I missed who this band is. They're like a mini so solid crew. Probably the worst thing so far and that's saying something.
On an unrelated topic my mum just said 'I'm not homophobic. Some of my best friends are gay.'
Jimmy Saville: RIP.
My mum's boyfriend seems to think Little Mix are called Pick n Mix. If only. He is now saying one of them looks like a pig. It's not her fault what she looks like and I think she's cute anyway. Cannon bollocks! Little muffins!
Military wives. Are there no military husbands? Fuck the war. All of 'em.
My dins still not ready. But that's good cos I got to do my blog. Happy Christmas. I haven't even started drinking yet.

X Factor USA: Just one last word.

2011-12-23T20:43:00.004Z

Thought I better blog this as I didn't even bother to blog the UK X Factor results. It must be a big night as Steve's got a dickie bow on. That's certainly adding a sense of gravitas to the evening.
God, looking at the final 12, what a shower of uselessness. I quite liked that Glee rip-off group who went the first week. Lakota Rain or whatever they're called should be drowned in a bag. I'd like to see the petulant Drew and the precocious Rachel Crowe never again, please. Astro has more talent in his little arrogant finger than all of them put together, and he's a little tosser.
Paula's talking turkey as usual. God, I really hope that Melanie Amaro doesn't win. She just rubs me up the wrong way. Oh they're doing festive numbers first. Great. All I Want for Christmas is You is a good one, though.
Everything that comes out of Steve Jones's mouth sounds laced with insincerity. I mean, it's obvious Dermot doesn't like pop music, but at least he sounds warm to the acts after they sing.
Chris is just about getting away with singing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Uh. Yeah. Uh huh. Aw, Chris's messages from his family were sweet. He could win on goodwill and a killer sob story alone.
I've been supporting Josh all the way through but his song choices lately have been quite duff. He's got the voice, but I'm finding him quite boring. Does he have the X Factor? Also his tears didn't look as sincere as Chris's. I think he had to force them out!
Justin Beiber makes me want to quite a Morrissey lyric: 'when will you die? When will you die? When will you die?' Luckily I'm watching this about an hour behind so I don't have to listen to this turkey. Oh, fuck off Drew. Your attitude absolutely stunk and I'm glad you got the boot.
Oh no, Chris Rene in third place! Boo. Josh better win, now. I can't stand to see Melanie win it. Probably didn't help that Chris's mentor LA said Melanie did a 50 million dollar performance last night. Uh oh, Steve's losing control of his contestants. Pull it together, boyo.
Leona's on. Why isn't she doing Nine Inch Nails? Why is she always covering indie songs, anyway? She definitely sings Run better that Gary Lightbody. I can't even write the name 'Gary Lightbody' without laughing. He's the only man in pop that makes Chris Martin look well groomed.
Simon's face when Paula is prattling on is hilarious, it's like he's humouring some old dear.
50 Cent is championing women's rights as usual, I see. I bet he's got a big sign with his name on like that in his house. But as my mum said once, hasn't he got lovely teeth? LOL, can't believe he's still rolling out 'it's yer birthday'- why isn't he singing the line about giving you some X if you're into taking drugs? Huh? Astro is out-rapping 50 Cent. Shame.
Something bad has happened. I've caught up with my recording and now I'm having to watch Neo and Pitbull and I'm quite upset about it. Luckily, I'm about to drink some champagne, which should take the edge off. Got any 'X' going spare, Fiddy? Let's make this a proper on-Puff-Daddy's-boat affair.
Where's the winner's single? Aren't they going to do a sing off? They're doing a duet of Heroes. Please tell me David Bowie isn't going to get involved. LOL the doors opened behind them but no one was there. Maybe he got tied up at the Goblin City. That was an anti-climax and a half.
Melanie got it! That's a shame, she has got a good voice, but she doesn't do it for me. It was quite rude the way she just ignored Steve at the end, too.That's the final nail in his coffin, anyway. 'Just one last word, Melanie.... just one last word.' It's the new 'I'm going to have to hurry you, judges.'
Is this the winner's song? No one knows, cos no one's told us! Well done, suckers.
I really hate this song. I'm going to get drunk. Ta-ra! See you on the next plane home, Steve. I hear Take it or Leave It is looking for a new host. If not, Toby Anstis probably needs a break from TV Scrabble.

X Factor USA: The final

2011-12-22T22:19:00.003Z

And another ending begins. So what have I learnt this series? Steve Jones's charmless confidence is amusing when he's under pressure. Look closely and you can see the panic in his eyes as he peeks at that little card and forces himself to cuddle a crying child. LA Reid doing a strange dance to a strobey/washing machine song one week and looking like he was in the electric chair (someone must have done a gif of it). Nicola Scherzinger curling up like a woodlouse when she had to actually make a decision. Paula Abdul is pretty useless as a judge when she's not off her face. Simon lacks someone to spar with, and it sucks a lot of the humour out of the show.
And what a weird final three we're left with. Josh should clearly win. Chris is loveable but not sure how he made it to the final three (although one of the best first auditions I've ever seen). I can't warm to Melanie, I find her singing all old fashioned, and I'm still annoyed she was putting on a posh accent and now she's talking in her 'real' accent. It's like Will Young coming out of the closet straight after he won Pop Idol. Just be honest, why don't you, we can deal with it.
I doubt a person on the planet could annoy me as much as Nicole Scherzinger does. The shit that comes out of her mouth makes me want to scream - energy, positive attitudes, God. You wrote a song (sorry, didn't write, SANG) a song that pitted girls against one another and set them up as enemies, just something that's after your boyfriend and to call uglier than you. So don't ever try and talk to me about positivity, when you made your dirty coin on sexualising young girls, selling them an unobtainable and damaging image to aspire to and pitting them against one another. Her complete insincerity, her fake poor-little-me face, her wishy-washy opinions and when she does her preacher man voice followed by her simpering little girl act - the whole thing is just one big performance, and at the heart of it is something rotten, something dead inside. Honestly, Cheryl Cole is worth 100 of her, and she's my fourth favourite member of Girls Aloud. At least she's a real person, not a humanoid, like Scherbot2000.
WTF is this tuneless old dirge Josh is singing. Ahhhh.... Alanis Morrissette, that explains it. Time for a new haircut, horsey. I hope he's not going to lose because of this whiny bitch.
OMG they're making Chris Rene sing with Avril Lavinge. Call the exterminator, load the traps. Poor Chris, he must be so embarrassed. There's your streed cred gone out the window. Avril outsung him totally, I don't think he got a note in tune.
Has Melanie Amaro had a boob job? LOL just when you think it couldn't get any worse, we get R Kelly. Put him back in the fucking closet. Is he even allowed on TV these days? I'm glad no more acts are in the competition, we'd probably see Astro vs Gary Glitter or Drew getting a beat down from Chris Brown. Very tasteful, Simon, finger on the pulse as ever.
LA Reid on I Believe I Can Fly; 'that is one of the most important songs written in the past 50 years.' LOL. Yeah right up there with 'Get Away' by Lenny Kravitz and 'Life' by Des'ree.
What a fucking barrel scrape for celebs. Seriously, was Rhianna or Buble not available *snort*?
Why are they so up Michael Jackson's arse on this show, too? I think Blanket's face said it all a couple of shows ago. *roll eyes, pass the jesus juice*
Melanie is sooooo old fashioned. Have you ever seen her smile? She bores the hell out of me. I know Chris can't sing but at least he's unique and sparky.
I like Chris's original song. I'd like to see him win it in a way. I'd like to see the look on his face. I love it when they cut to LA Reid dancing or singing! It's so incongruous with his tough talk.
Also, are you seriously telling me Simon is coming back to judge Britan's Got Talent (ie. let's mock some mentals) but won't come back to do our X Factor? If it's a scheduling thing, just move ours, we don't get the Christmas Number 1 anymore anyway. That just goes to some 'wives' (aren't there any military husbands?). I digress.
Until tomorrow.

X Factor: The final

2011-12-10T21:01:00.004Z

So obviously I've still been watching X Factor, even though it's fairly turgid (as is the US version). I like Marcus, Little Mix and Amelia. I don't like Kelly Rowland, Gary Barlow, or Tulisa.
I don't know who I want to win, really. Little Mix are fun and Amelia has the best voice, but I've always liked Marcus, too, although the songs they keep making him do are interminable. It makes it a bit boring when you don't really care who wins, I want a Rhydian character to despise and hiss at.
I know one thing, Dermot seems to be having a lot more fun on the UK one than Steve 'crab eyes' Jones ever does o'er the sea.
I'd be a bit disappointed to find out I was duetting with Kelly Rowland and not, say, Lady Gaga or whoever they usually have on.
How many times tonight are we going to hear 'it would be great for a girl group to win it' and 'Amelia is the comeback kid'.
Does it favour Marcus if they all sing a Take That song at the start? It looks like they haven't bothered doing Amelia's hair.
Gary Barlow has been the particular bugbear of the series, pissing all over everything with his dour, pinched little face and a voice Jordan would consider monotone. Oh, look at Gary winning over Marcus's gran. I'll just forget about all the dirty tricks he's pulled this season, such as calling Amelia 'shouty' when she's a much better singer than Marcus.
Marcus sounds out of tune doing Outkast. At least he's doing something different, I suppose, but I've hated every song he's done since 'Smooth Like Jagger' and I only like that because it makes me laugh. Stop going 'woo', Marcus. I feel like I'm watching CDUK.
I'm thrillled that little runt Jeff Brazier isn't doing the outside broadcasts this year. I don't like Olly Murs, but I think Caroline Flack is good, she's quite natural.
When Tulisa goes 'it's my little muffins, little mix' it makes me cringe. Little Mix visited four people's home towns, so that's four times the votes, right? Little fix, lol!
Little Mix sang loads better than Marcus. I thought they were quite entertaining. I think I'd quite like to see them win it. They're like Manga girls.
I bet Kelly Rowland has never been in a house as small as Amelia's. She probably keeps her dog in a similar square-footage.
I wish Amelia would stop wearing that baby pink coat with her baby pink hair. Enough with the baby pink!
Oh, god, now she's come out in a vile baby pink dress! I think the stylist is in cahoots with Gary Barlow. I hate this song so much. Little Mix FTW, it's decided. She should have done a good power ballad.
Every time I see JLS I always think about that one going 'merry Christmas' which they took the mick out of on TV Burp. JLS outsung One Direction by a mile. My boyfriend says the One Direction lyrics sound like a 'paedo trying to court a four year old'. Mash up! Those two songs go together like Pat Sharpe and tact.
Marcus's baby pictures were cute. What's this song him and GBar are signing? Turgid times! Should have done Flood, flood, flood, flood, flood, flood, flood. It's not exactly Matt Cardie trying to hump Rhianna, is it? I honestly think Marcus has blown it.
Tulisa looks like a grandma up there with Little Mix. Her outfit is all wrong, she looks like Cruella. I think it was a bit too po-faced. I think they should have gone a bit more fluffy - they should have sung the Spice Girls or something.
Kelly's song choices are so, so, so out of touch. I wouldn't be in the slightest bit surprised if Amelia went home tonight. All those duets were whack, actually.
Why is Leona Lewis singing Nine Inch Nails? She should do 'I want to fuck you like an animal' instead. 'I want to feel you from the inside out.. you bring me close to God' etc. Every song Leona Lewis covers is the same from Run to this, it's just one big build up, just a big vocal show-off. She's got the voice though. But can she write a song? Hair-watch: I prefered hers curly.
Buble! The flukiest man in pop. How did he get so famous, all does is covers. And he's looking a bit porky. I do like him though! Not his music, but he seems like someone you could take home to meet your mum.
WTF is the point in saying 'good luck to everyone'? You might as well say 'good luck to none of you!'
Amelia is gone. It feels like the right result in a way. I kind of think Marcus is going to win. He seems hugely popular. Amelia took it well - I suppose she's used to it!
The cutest final two ever! They look like they should be made into dolls and given away with Happy meals. Marcus is the same height as Little Mix, too.
I just want to mention Steve 'I'm going to have to hurry you, judges' Jones once more before I go. Simon must look at Dermot's easy charm and gran-friendly humour and weep. See you tomorrow.

The Walking Died

2011-12-01T21:32:00.005Z

The Walking Dead has been so spectacularly shit this season, that I almost don't know where to start. To be fair, after the first couple of episodes of the first series, it began to look a little shaky, but this season has just meandered in circles like a confused zombie locked in that bloody hayloft.
The blame has to lie in the characters, who are all resolutely duff. So duff, we had a competition to try and remember one person's name in it except Rick two episodes ago, and could not. We're still calling the Asian dude Eric. I didn't even know what Rick's wife was called. I still can't name his partner. This is totally unnaceptable after a series and a half. And why don't we know what the characters are called? because we don't give a shit about any of them. Did you really care when redneck dude got shot? No, he has no redeeming features. Do you care about that missing child (will she ever fucking turn up, she's been missing longer than Madeleine McCann). Worse was the saga of Rick's kid getting shot - I don't care! Honestly, I felt like I was giving the little bastard blood myself for all the entertainment he sucked out of the show. I hate the blonde woman with the dead sister beyond words. I hate the old interfering dude more. I quite like Rick's partner but only recently since he did over that fat bloke.
I feel like there's been about three zombies in this whole series. You're literally just sitting there waiting for the zombies and they never come. I'm praying for someone to get their head ripped off. Anyone.
Everyone who lives on that farm is a cunt, especially Dr. Sanctimonious. I'm praying Rick is going to take him out at some point, but by the time it happens, I won't care anymore, because it will probably be season 18. The storylines move so slow, and there's tons of interminable chat where nothing happens, or they practice shooting their guns (shouldn't they be saving ammo?) and you find out nothing new about anyone, nothing to make you care about them, but just pray for them to get killed. Kill them all! The token black guy who cut himself so ridiculously unrealistically on a car (wouldn't he have pulled away?) The shaven headed abused woman. Rick's skinny, annoying wife. Anyone! Just someone die, please.
Annoyingly, there are some little kernels of interesting storylines like the affair, and that black English guy who was in the 1st episode of Season 1. When will he come back? I actually liked him. I kept expecting the guy who has his hand off to turn up but he never did (except in a rubbishy flashback). It feels like they've forgotten to write half the storylines. It's like Lost, which I gave up on a lot sooner.
I was shocked when something actually happened with the affair storyline last week, but it just felt like too little, too late. I don't see how they can pull this series back now. My boyfriend is threatening not to watch it anymore. I think I'm only still watching it cos there's nothing on at the moment (hence why my blog is quiet, but it will pick up, I promise).
The worst episode was when that stupid thing was stuck down the well. That was the ONLY zombie in that episode. There was one funny line in that one, but on the whole, the show is entirely humourless. I don't CARE about anyone! I want to care. Please make me care.
They had a flashback to helicopters going over and the city getting bombed at one point last episode and I thought 'THAT'S the show I want to watch' not a bunch of arseholes in tents moaning about the environment. *insert St Paul's joke here*
Also, why do they keep going back to that chemist with a shopping list? Just take a fucking binbag and clear it out, you idiots. You'll have all the cod liver oil you'll ever need and you won't risk getting your arm ripped off.
And take that fucking Sheriff hat off, Rick, you look like a douche. What sort of person wears their work uniform AFTER the apocalypse? It's INSANE. Ace accent, though. In fact, you're the only good thing in it.

@damebrianmolko: a Twitter war

2011-11-23T13:40:00.004Z

A couple of years ago my boyfriend and I were unhealthily obsessed with Placebo, to the point where our friends almost had to stage an intervention. We’d watch five or six concerts on my laptop in a row, and extol the virtues of Brian’s megaphone, boots, jacket, various hairstyles, clunky lyrics, the way he smoked a fag, his ridiculous pretentiousness: everything he did was entertaining and a thrill.
Meds-era concert Rock Am Ring was our zenith: everything was perfect about that gig, with the sunset going down, and the most amazing set list. We must have watched it forty times. We bored people rigid as everyone else on the planet went off Placebo in about 1996. We had too, but this second flush of love felt all the more real. It was also at a time when our relationship was still a bit of a novelty, so I think the two feelings intertwined.
I had the idea of setting up a Placebo-themed Twitter account because Placebo lyrics were bouncing round my brain so much. My boyfriend thought of the name @damebrianmolko and we both planned to tweet together. I think my boyfriend only did one in the end, but it was still a cool idea and I ran with it. If you read the tweets from the start it was a real labour of love, with some references that only the most geekiest of Placebo fans would get. I enjoyed doing it, but as my crush on Placebo faded a bit, my tweets also slowed down.
The tweets were silly and cheeky. I even did some in French which must have made zero sense. My intro was: London, Paris, Belgium. Singer, writer, sodomite.
Here’s a few sample tweets:
‘Wondering what songs to 'reimagine' later; I might write some new lyrics for Pure Morning, and then put a bit of trumpet on it.’
‘Steve Hewitt got my toy megaphone I used to use on Infra-Red as part of the divorce settlement. Instead I squawk thru my hands. Just as good.’
‘I put Stefan's silver suit on a hot wash when he was out. Now it fits me! He's gotta learn, I'm the frontman, I wear the silly clothes.’
‘Spite and Malice gets some stick, but Dr. Dre was doing the rap originally. Had to pull out because his nan was poorly. These things happen.’
‘Not quite sure how to tell Fiona that there won't be any violin on the new album. We're going to scrape a knife over a dustbin lid instead.’
‘Steve 2 hasn't called for a bit- hope he hasn't gone back to the Backstreet Boys.’
‘Going to a Halloween party as Kat Slater tomorrow. Have to tone down the eyeshadow a bit.’
Now, do they sound like something the REAL Brian Molko might write? Would the real Brian Molko really call himself DAME Brian Molko, for God’s sake? It’s an obvious pisstake. And if the REAL Brian Molko was on Twitter wouldn’t he have a tick by his name? And wouldn’t he be going on about jet lag and coffee and musical influences like he does in those interminable documentaries they release once per annum? I mean, come on, MY tweets were funny.
Apparently not, according to River Management (Placebo’s record company) and Placebo World (allegedly Placebo’s fan club, but also Placebo’s record company, as I got exactly the same message from both of them). They didn’t bother with any niceties, they simply sent me a DM saying: ‘you have been warned once to remove this account. get it done right now.’
Even reading that message again now makes my blood actually boil (yes, actually!) One: they’d never messaged me before in my life. Two: who the fuck do they think they are?! Twitters OWN POLICY states you can have spoof accounts: mine was barely even a spoof. Their behaviour, high-handedness and complete lack of respect for their own fans just really got my goat. Read those tweets again. Read this one: ‘When you get the Brixton DVD, you'll see the role of Stefan is being played by a stunt double, as it was his aunt's 60th birthday that night.’ Are they really hurtful? Are they really damaging Brian’s image, such as it is? Is anyone really fooled? Come on, now.
Never once were my tweets nasty or insulting (there was one about Brian having a zit once, but I didn’t even write that one, and that was as nasty as it got!) Never once did I ‘pretend to be Brian Molko’. If the odd foreign person asked me if I was, I said no.
The annoying part is you can’t even reply to those direct messages, so I messaged them openly on Twitter. Here are some of the replies I got back from the protectors-of-the-fans-and-image at @rivermanmgt and @placeboworld: ‘Plenty of people think it's real, you are a fake pretending to be Brian Molko?? Please delete your fake account.’ ‘you are a very sad and disturbed human being pretending to be Brian Molko. Lying to a lot of people is hardly 'fun'.’
They also hysterically tweeted: ‘DAMEBRIANMOLKO is a FAKE account, please do NOT follow this account. it IS 100% NOT BRIAN MOLKO.’ Note the capital letters for the hard of thinking.
One of my tweets said: ‘My beer can co-star in the Meds video became a good friend for a while, but things soured. Know your place, beery. In the recycling bin.’ And people think that’s real? And I’M the one who’s disturbed? Seriously, now I understand why when I used to read the NME in the 90s they had to put an asterisk after the end of sentences and go *this is a joke – it’s for thickos! I’m seriously considering sending out a few hundred emails out from a bank in Uganda and a dodgy hotmail address saying you’ve won 12 million on the lottery, all you have to do is wire me 100 grand, because people REALLY ARE THAT THICK. I’m astounded. I surround myself with sentient people, so to be face to face with such humourless, po-faced boneheaded denseness is actually quite shocking. It stunned me. Do they think that fake Cheryl Cole and that dead Princess Diana are real, too? Does dead Diana need a disclaimer for the mentally ill? Should we all write as if we’re writing for people with the mental age of three at all times, just in case someone gets an ickle bit confused? Put down that pen, next literary genius! *~*Eyelinergrrl*~* in Istanbul doesn't understand words of more than one syllable!
I don’t write for thickos, they’re not in my remit. I assume anyone who reads my blog to have a basic level of understanding of the written word, humour and an acceptance of stupid references. I thought Twitter was the same. Apparently not.
I got lots of supportive messages and tweets when I outed River Management and Placebo World as the humourless old crones they are, as well as a few cry-baby tweets from mental people saying ‘I thought you were real’. Yes, they thought this tweet was real: ‘Angelic fruitcakes are two for one in Asda all week’. Someone believed the actual Brian Molko was saying this. That Brian Molko was selling angelic fruitcakes (something that doesn’t even exist, need I remind you, and I think I DO need) in a cut-price supermarket. And that’s MY FAULT! Would it be MY FAULT if they thought the earth was flat, too, or if they accidentally drove their car off a cliff, because they were too dim-witted to work out where the brake was?
I think @TiaraBarbie summed it up best when she said to @RIVERMANMGT ‘well then plenty of people, including yourselves, are a bit thick. Treat your main bands fans better, seriously.’
No one could have written the tweets I did without encyclopaedic knowledge, and therefore love of, Placebo. Someone taking the piss would have had plenty of cannon fodder for a hateful Brian Molko character, (some of my friends have said things about Brian Molko that would make River Management’s eyes bleed) but I never did that. I’ve always defended Brian, no matter how humourless and silly he was. I’ll even defend those ‘think of me stuck in my chair that has four wheels’ lyrics if you really want me to, because they’ve given me enough laughs (although that was what made me go off Placebo for about four years). My Twitter account was tongue-in-cheek, fun, silly, whimsical. My Brian Molko was watching X Factor and Eastenders and tweeting about the Brian Molko museum in Belgium, FFS. Perhaps I should have mentioned the 100 foot Brian Molko effigy in France that is traditionally burnt over Halloween*
*this is a joke. They’d never burn that effigy in France, they love him over there.
Anyway. Placebo World and River Management have won. They’ve sucked the fun out of poor damebrianmolko. And they’ve cost the REAL Brian Molko money so far, because I didn’t buy the Brixton DVD as I was planning, because I refuse to line their pockets after they were so needlessly nasty to me. Instead I took a free month’s trial of Love Film and watched the live show and the documentary. Personally, I want my money back on the documentary, and as I said, I didn’t pay for it. But I enjoyed the gig. I enjoy Placebo’s music and although we haven’t watched Rock am Ring for a year or so, I know one day we’ll watch it again and moon over the decent version of Because I Want You (before it got reimagined) and we’ll coo over Infra-Red, and we’ll complain about Song to Say Goodbye. Because that’s what real fans do. They don’t blindly follow their idols, they know their idols faults, and they love that about them, too, and they make jokes about them, and talk about them. I know one day we’ll bust out Gurtenfest and dance to English Summer Rain and wish he moved around like that these days, and admire his mullet. But it won’t be the same. That crush is over, and River Management tore up the photos.
What a short-sighted, narrow-minded way to treat your biggest fans. It often amazes me how companies and organisations get things so wrong on social media, and end up alienating their target ‘market’. Well this is a prime example. I’ve probably given Placebo about £500 over the years on CDs and gig tickets, but I won’t be giving them any more. I wont be giving River Management any more, anyway. But I still love Placebo. Only slightly less than I used to.
And I’m not going to delete damebrianmolko. Because they really want me to, and I’m not going to give them the satisfaction. Besides, he might have something else to say, yet…
Anyway. It was started with love, and generally met with love until the bouncers got involved. As Brian himself said, 'the world is run by lying, balding know-it-alls.' Probably after he came out of a meeting with River Management.

Big Brother 2011 - The Final: Get the pirate cheese ready!

2011-11-11T21:09:00.004Z

So here we are. Soon my blog will be discussing more intellectual matters. Gone will be all the shit, piss and swearing and in it's place I'll be chatting shit about The Andrew Marr show, Songs of Praise and Newsnight. Oh, alright then. I'll be moaning about sexism and talking about other shitty TV.

I like seeing the ex housemates. Fucking hell, Heaven looks like crap. Where's Rebeckah? Are you fucking crackers etc. Is Harry really 23? He looks like Tim Henman's dad again tonight. I'm sure someone else is missing. Oh yeah, Mark. And Pammie. Oh and Jem! What a shame. I wonder why Jem couldn't show her face- don't want to see Aaron walk out with that 50K, that's why.

Louise was definitely thinking she was going last night, you don't wear a dress like that for no reason.

Has Alex got Michael Jackson's 'skin disease', her tan is looking seriously patchy.

Imagine if I won and went out to boos, says Aaron. Just imagine!

I feel like BOTS has took the shine off some of these highlight clips. I love the split cam! Why have they never done that before? Louise has got the same dress on again, dirty bitch. She must have been sweating yesterday. That dress is a bit ott.

Louise looks nervous! Why is she walking so slowly down those stairs? Get on with it, get the fuck out of my sight.

Louise alluding to being normal: check. She looks so nervous! I'm glad Brian mentioned when she said they had no chemistry, well sort of mentioned it. Louise: 'I love Anton!': finger on the public pulse as usual, me. Great taste she's got. Change your taste in men!

'Jay's so normal': he's not normal! He's a freak. OMG 'he wiped his arse today and showed me his shit on the bog roll.' Romeo, romeo, where for art thou Romeo! That actually shocked me. I think her brain is malfunctioning.

Here's Louise's personality in two words. Normal. Shit. The end.

Honestly, if Jay wins I'm leaving the universe.

Third place. This will be the clincher. No boos for Jay. How pathetic. OMG it's Alex! That split screen was really good when Alex went. Aaron's face was brill. NOW we have a battle on our hands. This is a fight to the death.

Alex is like Jedward coming out third! I'm not that shocked because who would really ring and vote for Alex? The Jay and Aaron fight is real! They both look quite smug now.

I can't understand what Alex is saying. How did Jay ever get to be 2nd? It's like that douche from the Jungle Cats all over again. Don't let the wolfpack win!

Tonight we got to get on the floor! Alex is getting jibbed on her highlights. Loving her fake tan hands. She's a fashion kamikaze. Still, keep away from Jenny Frost (again). Avoid it! Has Alex

got her £500K shoes on? She's probably got her Primarni ones on instead. Her interview was short!

Love Aaron and Jay holding hands. Too cute. Look at Jay's misguided trousers. Where does he get his clothes from, Mr Byrite? Why did Aaron say 'get the pirate cheese' ready when Jay walked out the door? We rewound it three times and I'll still none the wiser. I couldn't stop laughing! Prepare the Lego room!

Did you hear him whimper as Jay walked out the door. Too funny.

Jay seems on the hoof in this interview. He seemed reticent about saying he loved Louise, too. I don't think he can cope with this pressure. He's just a normal lad, blah blah blah. Does Jay live with his mum?

Oh Jay. You went in a hottie, and came out a nottie. Disco down. Now let's watch Brian eat it. I'd LOVE to know what the percentages were. I bet Aaron stormed it. I bet Jem is at home stirring her witches pot and moaning.

Aaron's having a cuppa in the background. I love seeing the winner in the background through the runner-up interview, it's lovely.

Boooooooooooooooo! Aaron is getting booed to fuck. Brian didn't pick Jay up on any of his bullshit. They are drowning out the boos with 12 zillion fireworks. I like the fact they just gave him the briefcase of cash. They'll probably make him take it on the tube later.

Brian's faux friendliness is galling. Aaron looks quite hot, I think. I wish he'd give it up with all that crikey/crumbs crap.

Aaron deserved to win after putting up with the mountain of crap he had to deal with in that house, even that of his own making.

Brian's digging Aaron out about Faye! He didn't dig Jay out about being an unhygienic animal.

Aaron has been quite quiet in the interview. It was quite a short interview, I felt.

I don't have a feelgood feeling in my stomach after this BB. There was a lot of bad feeling in that final show and Aaron's interview was really short. I usually feel all wrung out and emotional at the end, but I just feel nothing! Nothing.

Boooooooooo! I'm surprised someone don't shoot him at the end. Brian: 'it's just panto'. Many LOLs. Seriously, start watching this show again, folks. I feel like I'm shouting at the wall here.

Big Brother 2011 - I saw her at auditions and thought 'for fuck's sake'

2011-11-10T21:08:00.003Z

Will there be a shocker tonight, or will it be Louise or Tom as predicted? I'd LOVE it to be Jay, just to see his thick little face drop.

Brian looks fat again! You really can barely tell him and Eamonn Holmes apart these days. It's hard to say which one's insulting rape victims and which one is too busy championing fridge shits. Every since Louise said she bought her teeth, I've been thinking how unnaturally large they look. It's like Brandon Flowers all over again. But I'd never noticed before she mentioned it! Aaron looks like he's got make-up on.

Jay is obsessed with Aaron! 'Why isn't he working for MI.... whatever?' You were nearly there, Jay. So nearly there. A bit like in the final.

Louise is a dirty bugger, even I have a bath every day and I'm a lazy cunt. Louise's mum! Where did Louise get her looks from. (Sorry, a bit mean) Why is Aaron getting booed so bad? It's just more fuel for the Facebook voters!

Alex's thicko act is wearing a bit thin on me tonight. I don't know why because she doesn't normally get on my nerves. My boyfriend thinks perhaps she's believing her own hype from something she's seen on BOTS or something. Louise, what sort of idiot 'sets out to be myself'? That's just called waking up in the morning.

LOL to Aaron correcting Jay's grammar on 'your my hero'. There's a few more votes for him. That won him a round of applause in virginmary manor.

Jesus, it aint that hard to open a bottle of champs. Or bucks fizz, as the case may be. Thought Alex didn't drink? Fuck those people who don't drink. They're either right boring bastards of they've had to stop because they've knocked someone's teeth out. Either way, not a good thing.

Brian: 'really good crowd tonight' - yes, shipped right down from Newcastle!

BOTS was quite good yesterday, especially Aaron's mental friend sarcastically slagging off Aaron. Misjudged! Aaron knew it was BOTS immediately! He's even talking 'VT's! It is morally wrong to show them BOTS, though. But it was a very entertaining episode.

Alex and Tom outed! Accidental smooch! Aaron knows about those, doesn't he? I liked it when Tom said it was on purpose.

Alex's roots are a NIGHTMARE! The dreaded stripe. I can even see a dark bit they've missed underneath. I'd cry if they fucked my hair up like that. She should ask for her money back. Oh. That's my worst nightmare when I get my roots done, so my hairdresser leaves the bleach on for an hour. Itchy but effective.

Oh, no, Tom evicted. Sad face. I like Tom's little outfit, he looks like Mr Tumnus. Loved him saying 'win it for me, Alex' when he left. The security guard isn't helping him as well as he did Faye! I liked it when he escorted Faye down and she looked all happy, it was cute.

Anyone would think Tom was being dragged off to the gallows the way Alex is acting. Loving Tom saying 'safe' to the crowd. I haven't heard that in about 15 years. Him and Alex's highlights were cute. Pressing the diary room button and running away was funny.

Tom was great in his interview. I thought he was hilarious. God, I thought he was such a twat when he went in but he's actually a decent, silly guy.

Is it up to us who wins? Is it really, Brian? Is it really? If you want to make Brian squirm tomorrow, vote Aaron FTW. You know it makes sense. Alex has already won in some ways. And Jay and Louise can both go shit in a bucket. See you tomorrow!

Big Brother 2011 - Let's not talk about the hairdryer anymore

2011-11-09T21:04:00.004Z

I've never seen such an argumentative last week! And for that we must be grateful. The last week is normally boring. We've got sex, flirtations, strops, rows. It's been quite a good series really, despite it's production faults, live feed lack, biased BOTS and so on. Actually, BOTS has been quite enjoyable, too. I like Holy Moly dude now, Victor's been pretty good, and there have been some other cool maverick guests ie. Pete Burns and Lauren Harries.

I don't actually think Jay and Louise were 'sly', but I do think they bought the present for the cameras. I can't believe people are threatening to leave in the final week, it's ace!

Jay looks so rough compared to when he went in the house! He actually looks quite handsome in those old videos before he went in, if you can believe I'm saying that. LOL Aaron has spoken for a nation and mentioned price-tag gate. That's going to get back to Louise quick smart.

Aaron is one of those obsessive tea makers, isn't he? I had a boyfriend like that once. It didn't last.

Go on Louise, string a sentence together, put up a fight. Go on, I dare you. Tom looks like wants to disappear. Jay: 'I'm not going to shake your hand.' Aaron: 'do you think I want that?'

Jay: 'what you see is what you get'. Can I have a refund, then?

Oh Jay. You kept yourself together quite well so far. You're really fucking yourself right up the arse right now. Aaron does seem a bit beleaguered. Maybe he just needed telling. Is he listening?! I think he's listening. What is a 'radge'?

I'm not sure I like it when they get makeovers before they leave, I kind of like it when they walk out all fat, bursting out of their eviction dress with five inches of black roots. It tells a story!

Louise isn't going to talk about Aaron anymore because he's fucking up their game bad. Happy, happy house!

My boyfriend said Aaron looks like an old queen getting his pubes waxed. What is Aaron thinking! Waxing is the work of the devil. I tried waxing my legs once and it made me cry. Never again. Are Aaron's pubes ginger or is that the wax?!

Why would you bother threading your armpits? Haven't you heard of a disposable razor? It's painless!

I like Jay's make-up sentence: 'how's your dick?' Aaron looks like a refugee stumbling around. Why is Jay still bothering? I'd tell Aaron to stick it up his arse. My boyfriend just said 'That cunt does not give an inch.' about Aaron and he's right! Jay said sorry and Aaron didn't! Haha, those principles are a get out clause for anything, aren't they? I must get some!

I hate Lee Stafford! Obv. Would you trust a man with that hairdo? I am looking forward to the makeovers, despite myself. Aaron's hair looks the same! No, actually a little worse.

I'm not sure about that fringe on Louise. I LOVE fringes, and I think they suit almost everyone, but I don't know if it's for her. I like Alex's blonde but not sure about the curls, they're a bit dated, like Josie when she got her makeover after BB and they made her look bloody awful.

Not a good sign when your boyfriend goes about your hair: 'Do you like it?'

LOL to the photographer forcing Aaron and Jay to cuddle. I want that OK magazine, haha. Kerching!

Aw that's too cute Tom telling Alex she looks nice. Jay is 'coming to terms with Louise's new look'. LOL. 'Cute': another not good word from your boyfriend.

Jay on Louise's arse: 'you could eat your dinner off it.' Ha. I'm sure he will.

I like Alex's leopard print cardigan! Where's that from? What's Tom having a strop about? Being generic? He should enjoy those questions while they last, no one will be interested when he's out. I liked the way Big Brother dismissed him from the DR.

WTF is up with Tom? Is he after some airtime? Is it because he's taking being a housemate for granted? Aaron and Jay both look twitchy as Tom steals the limelight.

Eek this Diary Room strop is hilarious! 'Let's not talk about the hairdryer anymore' brilliant, it's like he and Big Brother are having a marital. Big Brother shouldn't laugh and joke with Tom! Boo. Big Brother should be formal! Tom IS shallow, cheered up by a pop song. BB was right about you all along. Tom IS vapid, but I like him.

I don't think Aaron should stir up that Alex and Tom pot so close to the end. My boyfriend just said 'Did Aaron say 'Tom is like Dappy and Justin Beiber rolled into one' to his face?'

Alex's roots look yellow under her ponytail. Remind me not to go to Lee Stafford. I prefer Headlites on Holloway Road, they do my bleach job just right and just white!

What's that sparkly flat cap Jay's got on? He looks like an absolute tool. I prefer Aaron's Noel Edmonds beard. Jay is actually giving Aaron good advice if only Aaron would listen.

Aaron's 'cancelling each other out' comment was interesting. He has been thinking, hasn't he? I reckon that spiteful git would be pleased to cancel Jay out. But I still like Aaron, I can't help it.

Tom saying 'you're so pretty' was slightly 'cancelled out' by 'you're pretty to me anyway' but it still made me blub. The way they look at each other is like no look I've ever seen between Faye and Aaron or Louise and Jay.

PS: my favourite Digital Spy thread of the day: 'Do you think Louise looks happy with her scat-obsessed thug?' Props.

Big Brother 2011 - I'll just sit wet sniffle

2011-11-08T22:09:00.005Z

Louise goes to bed with a full face of make-up I see. She's probably one of those girls who gets up eight hours early so her boyfriend never sees her without her make-up on.

When they mentioned a rule break I thought they were going to tell Jay off for threatening Aaron with violence, but no.

Why are they playing Aphex Twin over the Aaron and Jay 'tension' ie. them both starting into the distance? Is Jay allowed to say he'll 'kick the life out of someone' in the DR? Apparently so.

Jay's list of fun: 'kick someone's head in. Shit in a kettle. Chew someone's head off.' The end. How does one shit in a kettle? Do they go down the spout? Remind me not to accept a cup of tea round Jay's manor.

Jay's Wolfpack stripes are showing! Why doesn't he go have one of his sauna chats with Aaron about marine biology? Oh, I know. He's exhausted all his material.

How much does Tom eat? His arms look about as wide as my fingers.

How many times can Aaron 'lose all respect' for someone? Once it's gone, it's gone.

Aaron lied on his audition tape! Kick him out. Quick. 'Sell my soul'?! What about his precious principles! Turncoat.

I can kind of understand Aaron getting annoyed with the inane chat. But what the fuck did he expect on Big Brother?

Oh BB is finally giving Jay a tell off! Well done, BB. Jay: 'my behaviour is not acceptable here.' It's not acceptable anywhere, you fucking animal. Grotesque thuggy, disgusting pig with a little fawning limpet girlfriend.

I reckon it's Anton and Aden in those clown suits. Balloooooooooooons! That task was a bit borin'.

Smoking truce!

Bloody hell, Tom and Alex were born in the 90s. I am ancient!

I liked those mayhem highlights, especially Jay picking up Tom and throwing him, that was quite funny. Louise sleeping doesn't seem so interesting. Chuck that boring bitch out.

Jay's boot camp! I like Aaron pretending to sulk and then laughing. He's such a spoilsport! Plus he was wearing that t-shirt yesterday.

Aaron is not going to have 'orders barked at him by that chump'. '5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, fucking run round again.' Lol. Get that man a fitness video. Jay should come in and start shouting at Aaron and force him to do sit ups.

Alex should get Aaron to wipe her bum. Indignity task!

I wondered what Jay was doing when he was barging into the bedroom door like a particularly thick bull. The man's an idiot. It's like him and Aaron are having a competition to see who can wreck their game the most effectively at the final hurdle.

Where did Jay get that towel from?! At least he ate before he went for his cry. He can't go and cry under the covers like Nasty Nick cos they won't let him in the bedroom. Instead he's gotta have a little cry under the hand towel.

Oh Big Brother, let Jay have his blub in peace. Jay looks like the woman who has her face ripped off by a chimp with that towel over his head.

I bet Louise doesn't like men who cry. Too soft, innit, Big Brother!

Why is Big Brother still keeping the bedroom locked like a bastard? Jay should just stay in there. Why doesn't he just get a duvet cover and lie outside?

OMG Jay's favourite song is AWFUL. That makes me want to vomit! LOL is he going to batter Aaron for dancing to his song? Aaron's dancing is super. It's rubbish when you hear a song you like when you're out and in a bad mood. It makes the pain worse! But not as bad as those saxophones in that song.

Tom's silent disco was quite amusing. They were probably playing the Macarena again.

Jay's crying disclaimer: normally he'd do anger, but he's being forced to do emotion thanks to Ofcom. At least that's what he'll tell his mates.

Big Brother 2011 - 500 quid. 500 quid. 500 quid. 500 quid.

2011-11-07T22:04:00.007Z

How does Louise know the moves to the macarena, too? Is there some class I missed at school? I think Aaron missed it, too.

Oooooooh Louise is pissed off about Jay fucking a 'ladyboy'. It's not just Aaron who walks on that wild side, is it? Plus he said he did it by accident at first and then went out to do it 'because his mates did it.' He's cultured like that, isn't he?

Aaron is in macer-paina (sorry). They've already done this macarena shit! Zzzz.

Is Aaron deliberately trying to come across as the biggest shit on the planet this week? I wouldn't want a bag that cost £2,000. Jay: 'what's it made of?' Why is Aaron throwing a strop about this money when he's only got £990?!

They are only trying to get them to spend this money so there's a row about the 10K each.

Where's the Argos catalogue? I like Tom's hair longer. I think he knows there's a present in the offing. I like that red dress Louise has got on today. Jay is anxious about that cash! He doesn't feel happy! He's got his eye on that bigger prize.

I'd rather not have a cake than eat those ingredients raw. Powder gob!

I wouldn't like to be wrapped up as a present. Claustrophobia times. What's the catch with this present task? I don't get it.

Louise: 'we've spent £500 each on your presents'. Mercenary bitch! I'd rather you hadn't bothered. I can't believe she said that! OMG she said it again. You can see Aaron is about to explode. He's accepting those thanks, though.

Aaron: bad feeling harbinger. He's clip-clopping across that kitchen like a troll o'er a bridge. 'It makes you look really bad.' I can't believe he said that. If he said that to me, I'd go fucking mental at him. I'd rip his fucking head off. He is really pushing his luck.

Jay is stewing. But I can't blame him! I would have strangled Aaron to death by now. Birthday guilt trip! Who IS in the right? Who's side am I on? No one's!

If Louise really just buying that present out of the kindness of her heart why does she keep going it's 500 quid! 500 quid! Yes 500 fucking quid, we get it.

Alex looks like a fairy under the Christmas tree. They are nice shoes, though. How much are they again, Louise?

Aaron's come to wish you a unhappy birthday! I like the way they've got all the lights strobing, very nice. I've not noticed that before. Is Aaron eating a sausage on a stick?

I think Aaron is actually trying to get Jay to punch him. That's my theory.

I don't like Louise and Jay making snide remarks at Jay. Just come out and say 'you're wrong, I don't agree with you.' Get it over with.

Louise is coming off particularly stupid and shallow tonight. Jay: 'hand on heart I will not say a word to Aaron for the duration.' I've heard him say that before! How long before he speaks to him? I give him five minutes.

Jay stop bitching like a little gorm and go have it out with Aaron. Oh you can't because you'll punch him.

I'm sure Tom and Alex don't mind being 'used' when they get loot out of it. Aaron is like judge, jury and executioner. He should be the new Judge Judy.

I don't like strangers being referred to as 'randoms'. It's snobbery!

Oh Aaron. Your kamikaze gameplay continues. And still I sort of want to vote for you. And I don't know why...

Big Brother 2011 - I miss Jeremy Kyle so much

2011-11-06T21:33:00.003Z

Who's buying Jay's friendliness towards Aaron? Not I! Mind you, at least he pretends. They should have played 'Why Can't I Wake Up With You' into the house this morning, Aaron would have appreciated that.

Aaron is irked the winner isn't getting the full 100K. I wonder why. Mind you, I suppose you would be in a way. Aaron is being a bit mean saying they're all putting on a performance. Because he is, too.

I haven't seen much of Louise's 'rebel without a cause' act. Where's that in the highlights show?

If they're going to do a bit of fashion filler, they need to do a full five minutes on Aaron's fleece. Tom has the best dress sense. I like what Alex wears as well. Jay dresses like a Ken doll trying to be a bit edgy. Anything's better than Faye in her beige towel.

There's Aaron's teacher fleece in the sauna! Quick, throw it on the hot coals whilst he's not looking.

Louise is doing her Miss World speech: 'as a model I don't get to help people.' Oh STFU. Alex works in McDonalds and you're moaning about being a model. You're not in Big Brother to save the whale so stop bullshitting.

I'm glad Aaron didn't hear Alex and Louise eulogising Jeremy Kyle and Louis Walsh or steam might have been coming out of his ears.

Seriously, Aaron thinks he's entitled to that fucking 100k. But he's not stupid. He's not going to take any big prize. He'll be on the tenner, mark my words.

Where's the independant adjudicator? I don't trust Jay's lottery balls. I prefer set of balls number 6 and Guinevere, myself.

It's true that if Alex has the mega bucks, she can probably be trusted to split it honestly. I think if Aaron had got them it would have been bad gameplay, bad luck, bad everything. It could hurt Alex having the £30K.

I preferred the Barbie talk to the David Cameron talk. Jay doesn't like football!? He just went up in my estimation, I thought he was a classic football thug.

Tom is twitching about Alex having that 30 grand. Surely Big Brother isn't going to let them get away with that splitting it skullduggery.

Is Aaron retarded? Of course Big Brother isn't going to sort out giving you ten grand each, Big Brother shouldn't even ALLOW you to do ten grand each.

Tom's been quite amusing tonight, I've quite enjoyed his one-liners.

I wouldn't let ANYONE suck my toe, or suck ANYONE'S toe. Jay smirking at Tom's body; I'd rather fuck Tom than Jay. Aaron has the best body, actually, I think it's quite nice, and I liked his pants, too. Good on him gyrating on Tom; do you think he would have done that if Faye was there? I bet not!

Tom and Alex's conversation was interesting: they're both skirting round the issue. Tom seems to have got it sussed, he's not going to do well. It will be him or Louise out next.

Louise is coming on a bit strong! Hold the vicar. It's just sexual frustration.

Tom to Aaron: 'you're such a glum bastard.' True.

Big Brother 2011 - Swear down now on your mother's life

2011-11-05T21:39:00.004Z

I thought Faye handled herself very well last night in the face of Brian's pathetic spitefulness. I liked it when she said she still loved him despite extreme provocation. In a way it's sad to see Faye go but I don't know why because I couldn't stand her. I suppose it's because it's a victory for Jay's team, isn't it?
Alex drinking full fat coke in bed for breakfast! Yum. My friend Kellie is here and she said (rather belatedly) 'it was sad to see Mark go.' No it wasn't!
Do you think Aaron is going to be wearing that fleece on final night?
I wish I had never had to see Louise in the diary room again, she's such a drip. I notice Aaron has to be forced to say 'I love you' back to Faye.
I'm so tired of Jay and Louise. So, so tired. A week of this is going to be depressing. It's hard to write this blog because my friends are talking too much. And also because it's all filler.
I think Louise just made a vulgar comment about Aaron going down on Faye. Yucks.
I don't like Faye's roman necklace, and I don't like her failed prayer to God.
Louise had bad controller's leg before she got evicted. I do admire Faye's eyebrows.
Alex: 'Faye is free-spirited.' No. DOES Aaron love Faye? I think he does in his own weird way.
The money-splitting convo: would YOU trust Aaron? At least he can do the sums, but after votegate who could trust him? Plus notice he said the winner gets the 50K plus the 10K hehe.
Will money tear them apart? Maybe, they're not that close anyway. Big Brother isn't going to let them split it between them like that anyway.
Jay: 'I'm not wired up right.' True. One week to go.

Big Brother 2011 - How mean is your spouse?

2011-11-03T22:09:00.005Z

What is this song they're all dancing to? Z-Sync? Aaron is being super camp today. I reckon he had that child in quick so he can come out in his mid-thirties. I don't think I could go out with someone with the music taste of a 12-year-old girl.

Kim Woodburn is in the house! Should have sent Lauren Harries in instead.

I liked Alex's reaction to drinking the 'virgin mary' (non-alcoholic bloody mary). I'd go 'eww' too. I'm desperately trying to think of a virgin mary pun on my name. Spill-over virgin mary? Low-lit virgin mary? Up-turned virgin mary? Oh dear, as Aaron would say.

Those bucking bronco things look like they'd give you a cheap thrill if you were a girl. Yet at the same time, this task is anti-erotic.

Faye and Louise's sex talk was funny. 'Can you imagine Aaron at it?' 'No,' says his girlfriend.

Jay should have cling-filmed both legs at once. He probably gets off on that sort of stuff.

Aaron's faith in Faye: 'she'd take her top off for the right money.' Niiiiiiiiiiice. Mind you, how can we believe anything anyone says after John Crab 'magazine deal' Eyes James betrayed us all. by selling his soul to OK for a set of decks and a roll around with Josie.

Health and safety, Louise has banged her leg on a shelf. LOL to them deliberately rolling in the paint. If Aaron did that he'd be crucified. My eye would definitely be on the food for a week, not the transient thrills of a roll in some blue paint.

I quite like the skirts the ladies are wearing, they're quite demure. Aaron and Alex were quite fun in that task.

Tom: 'say hello to Aggie!' to Kim. I don't think they speak any more. Not sure where I read that, probably in the Daily Mail.

I like watching Faye pretending to be friendly to Louise and Louise pretending she likes Faye when they've been nominating other for weeks.

Tom looks like Where's Wally today. I didn't realise that smoking area was undercover - they've got all the mod cons, haven't they?

If this is the happiest Faye has been in her life, she must have had an awful life. So much for that wonderful friends and family, hey?

Jay saying 'you're my little princess' is creepy! He'll be giving it 'call me daddy' in a week's time.

Sorry my blog is duff, it's because we're coming to the end of days! BB needs to stir it up, quick.

Btw, I might miss the eviction tomorrow. But then Faye and Louise are hardly the big guns. I'll be here at some point over the weekend, probably when we're being force-fed thirty minutes of highlights.

Big Brother 2011 - I'm getting a semi

2011-11-02T22:58:00.003Z

Please excuse me, I'm delirious and my computer aint much better.

Tom's tea frost! Perhaps a pash with Aaron would cheer him up. Jay's relationship advice isn't really worth the paper it's crayoned on. I think I'd rather have Aaron blowing hot and cold on me.

My boyfriend has Aaron's pyjama bottoms on. And it's not like an accident, he bought them from TKMaxx this week.

Yay, bring on Aaron and Jay's intellectual conversation. Sauna chat! Stephen Hawking - check. They should have shown that bit they showed on BOTS about the universe being in the shape of a horseshoe, that was much better. This cake-baking stuff is zzzz.

Jay mentioning shit - check! Is anything going to happen this episode? Ah, bad feelings about the couples task, good. Aaron and Alex's portrayal of Jay and Louise didn't mention shit! Fail.

I like the way Jay dropped his rap onto the next line like Eminem and his window pane/pain.

Louise: 'I love your little weird hands.' about Aaron. Cut to Aaron. Not a real smile. The Aaron/ Faye/ Maisy triangle was quite accurate. Tom's got the fleece on!

Aaron looks livid! 'I like to dress up in women's underwear' LOL. I can see some silent treatment coming on. You can't say Aaron doesn't provide the entertainment. His face says it all.

Aaron: 'Tom's insinuating I'm a paedophile.' Hardly. I wish Faye would just tell him to grow up and stop pandering to him.

Aaron: 'is this what you're wearing today?' WTF? The only reason you would ever say that is a negative reason. Clothes-gate!

'I'm falling in love with you. Aaron.' Only Faye could say that like 'I'm going for my STD results.'

Faye and Aaron are even arguing about dancing to A Million Love Songs!

I hope Tom and Alex do make it to Disney. Alex looked sick at the thought of Tom's willy! It's nice to watch someone have 'the best time ever'. It's not often you can pinpoint the best times ever until long after. And even then... you might not remember them.

Big Brother 2011 - Dappy is beautiful. Discuss.

2011-11-01T22:37:00.003Z

This blog is a race against time before my computer breaks, I might have to finish it off on my phone. Two seconds in and Louise has mentioned the toilet! Shocker. She admits she knew what she was doing about the nominations. Will someone tell a very biased Brian Dowling and Jeff Brazier?

Why is Jay crawling up Aaron's arse? Oh, I know, that suitcase 'blu-tacked' to the wall. I'd like to see them blue tack 100K to the wall. I'd like to see Jay do it.

Let's get this straight right now, Louise is no saint, no sacrificial lamb. She voted for Faye as revenge for Aaron putting her up. Let's not pretend any different.

Another trite romantic gesture from Jay! Marriage material? He's not even one night stand material. 'I'm a good drawer!' He's no Rolf Harris.

Why is Faye doing a Northern Irish for Brian?

Aaron is 'being made to feel like he's done something wrong' LOL - just like Vincent Tabak. Aaron just admitted he liked Alex better than Faye. Well, who can blame him? But even Faye's not speaking to him now!

Those egg puns were getting on my nerves. I wouldn't like to eat my dinner in the DR with a camera in my face, it would put me off.

What sane person says their ideal man is Dappy? And he's beautiful?! Alex. You need a stronger prescription, glasses and meds-wise.

Aaron does hold an impressive grudge. I'm so crap at grudge holding! I had to call the police on one of my friends once and I still made up with them later. I'm lame at having enemies. Oh, actually, I can hold grudges with my family quite decently, scratch that.

As IF Aaron is going to go with Faye when he's out in the world! She's the 'best of a bad bunch' (in his eyes). And she's not even that!

Jay trying to win round of Aaron: 'you look like you've just been dug up.' Jay is being quite sweet 'politics is interesting'. Jay's the new Brian Cox. Jay is playing the game, but he's playing smart at the moment, smarter than Aaron. He could win it right now, but two weeks is a long time in that house.

Faye is right, who sits in front of their girlfriend and says 'I've got nothing in common with people in here.' You'd just be like 'what the fuck?' She just sits there sour, though, why doesn't she confront him? And I don't mean whining, I mean screaming! Are you glad you kept her in instead of Harry? Are you? Are you?!

I know what sort of films Jay can do, x-rated ones with Louise. Give it six months.

That Jay vs Aaron moon/ deep blue sea debate better be on the fucking highlights tomorrow. I need a good laugh.

Big Brother 2011 - And if the devil is six, then Aaron is seven

2011-10-31T22:04:00.004Z

I just noticed that I never had Alex as a tag on my blog! WTF. So sorry, Alex. Especially as you're probably going to win it. And you're ace.

We were laughing when we saw Faye talking to Jay as you never see them talking. Then my boyfriend said 'imagine what Faye's mum would think if she was going out with Jay!' Fresh pillowcases, anyone? Aaron looks like Aled Jones in comparison.

Louise: 'my family's waiting for me.' ARE they? They told you to behave yourself BEFORE he said he was going to 'fuck you so hard your kidneys' were going to come out of your arsehole'. Not that that is really your fault. Except it is, because you fancy the disgusting pig! Honestly, put a pig in a vest and I'd rather fuck it than him. At least it would have manners.

Faye can't cook an egg. Get Glynn in to show her how it's done. Ahh ooh, ahh ooh. *this reference is for old people*

Jay pissing in the pool! Is there no beginning to his decorum? Can you imagine if a woman went on the way he did, talking about rimming, peeing in the pool and shitting off a cliff (Louise's name is Cliffe, incidentally - insert Sun-style pun here). He's worse than the book Wetlands, which describes all bodily functions in such graphic detail I had to give up on it halfway through.

Louise looks good as a witch.

Aaron IS the brains of the operation. I couldn't have worked out how to do the nominations so quickly. It's a bit boring them trying to fix it, though. Tom looks good as a skeleton, too. He's got heroin chic. Jay can't feel the electric shocks because he's such a meathead. I can't tell if these nominations are real now, but I know they're gonna fuck it up.

Notice they've made Aaron the devil! Editing! I liked Jay nominating Faye for her nighttime moaning at Aaron virtually word for word.

Aaron has fucked the 'two votes each' system! Love it. Underhand. Is he pretending he did it accidentally? He IS a gameplanner! He IS the devil! I like it.

Louise looks mad as hell as the witch. She enjoyed nominating Aaron. I LOVED her nominating Faye, too! Revenge. Her reasons for nominating we're spot on!

Uh oh, Aaron is going to get it in the NECK! The rivalries are back on. Faye's going to shit! Ah, if Louise had voted for Tom everyone would have been up!

Aaron admits he know exactly what he was doing! That's unfair, that shouldn't have been his decision to make. Even Louise knew he did it on purpose.

Aaron is playing a VERY dangerous game. But he's ALWAYS played a dangerous game. I really want Faye to go this week! And for Aaron to have the blood on his hands.

Interesting to see Tom covering for Aaron. But so he should, Aaron saved his arse. But Aaron is right, Tom and Alex doesn't to be up. No one could bring themselves to nominate Alex and Tom.

Aaron is shifting the blame onto Louise quite effectively. I admire his chutzpah.

Louise HASN'T sacrificed herself, she was after Faye because she was pissed off with Aaron, plus she couldn't work out the maths.

This could be good for Louise going up against a grumpy Faye. I bet Jem and the harridan mum are throwing things against the TV right now! Eat that!

Aaron, you shouldn't have voted for who you wanted to after telling everyone else something else. That's not an even playing field. He doesn't decide who goes in the final. Why isn't Jay kicking off?

Go on Louise, play the sympathy card HARD. This will be the end of Faye and Aaron. 'If it's my time to go, it's my time to go'! Ding ding! Let's evict that miserable cow Faye, and teach Aaron about who gets to be in that prestigious final.

Why is Tom saying 'I hate Aaron' now? I'm confused!

Yes Aaron, you DO need to explain yourself in that DR chair. It was YOU who suggested the split vote! Him talking principles is hilarious! He'll sell them for anything cashable...

OMG everyone hates Aaron now. It would have been the chivalrous thing to do for them all to split the vote. Aaron was underhand, not principled. He should have pretended he fluffed it, at least.

Aaron is worried Alex will go! He might get a big shock on final night when she beats him. Aaron does NOT love Faye if he says he'd give Alex that free pass over her. If he said that to me and I was his alleged girlfriend I'd go fucking MENTAL. I'd rip his fucking head off. For once in her life she's got every right to be pissed off. Although let's not forget, she's put him up before. He doesn't give a shit, he really doesn't.

Oh Aaron. Jeff Brazier is going to be so mad at you, whilst Jenny Frost leers and twitches by his side on OKTV like a melting ventriloquist's dummy.

Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. You play the game kamikaze style. I love you one minute and hate you the next. But I like it! I like all my ambivalent feelings. That's entertainment. Aaron FTW!

Big Brother 2011 - R&B's atrocious

2011-10-30T21:14:00.006Z

Sorry I missed you last night, I was off at a party (shocker). It was touching to see how upset everyone was about Harry going, especially Alex. I love the fact Tom and Alex snog but don't mention it to each other or anyone else, it's very cool.

Jay drinking beer and belching was so gross. I think Louise is going to be so mortified in 6 months when they've split up and she looks back and sees her simpering by his side as he acts like a complete fucking animal. It was nice to see Aaron and Jay having a hug last night, though.

I love the description of Alex and Tom's conversations: 'what's your favourite tooth? What's your favourite toe?' It's a wonderful thing to behold.

Aaron's tattoo of a skull with a top hat on is sooooo naff. It suggests a severe lack of judgement.

I certainly hope Jay doesn't kill himself on his self imposed sauna task! Sauna's are so gross, I can't stand going in them, it's not natural.

Love Aaron picking Jay up on calling women 'birds'.

The secret mission is quite funny. Tom was quite a good choice for that task. Oh well, at least he got out of doing the cleaning.

This chipmunk task is like the club singer round in Shooting Stars. Nice to see Faye laughing and enjoying herself. Makes a bloody change. Jay singing Love Machine was also amusing just because it's quite incongruous. Dancing in the Moonlight is so perfect for Aaron to sing, that's probably playing in his car full time as he drives round Surrey or wherever he's from.

Aaron is going for the full Morrissey's 'reggae is vile' quote with 'r&b's atrocious'. He's right though, isn't he? Britpop and boy bands would have been much more pleasant. I wouldn't even sit in the same room that (most) r&b was playing. But you know Big Brother will try and spin this to 'Aaron's a racist' even though he's right, the music is rubbish and sexist. I'd be really disappointed if I could have had a bit of Moz and instead they played Neyo, or some shit. I like Aaron's 'cut-off-my-nose-to-spite-face' policy, I'm big on that, too. And I don't like Indian food, either! Look, I'm not a racist *points at Aaron*.

I've never seen Jay wear his winter babygro before. It's nice to hear Jay and Louise talking mushy in a way, because it reminds me of that early bit of a relationship when you can't think of anything else except this all-consuming passion. Nice feelings! Just with less farting.

Aaron is definitely playing up to the cameras tonight! Little bastard dancing in the loo on his own. He is so acting up. He's treading a fine line, that one.

They've all got onesies on! When did this happen? Who's sponsoring them!?

Big Brother 2011 - You're the one for me, Harry

2011-10-28T21:54:00.004+01:00

I'm watching this an hour late so maybe you already know who's gone but maybe not. It is quite an exciting eviction this week! I don't really want any of them to go in a way, which sounds wrong. I hope it's Faye, Faye or Jay.

Faye's got a nice bum, I'd rather look at that than her face. Aaron is being quite camp today. I like that jumper Faye's got on. How can they still be wearing clothes I haven't seen them wear yet?

Tom looks like he's got new clothes on, too. I think Tom got quite lucky this year in a way, that the big characters took the heat off him, because in another year I think he would have been more of a target, even though I really like him.

Faye's mum is a stony-faced old bitch. They're booing her! Lol. GET FAYE OUT. I like Aaron's brother's coat.

Who's that standing behind Harry's girlfriend? He looks like he's out on license. Jay's mum's hat looks like Harry might want to shoot it once he gets out.

Boxing ring! Ugh I had to stop watching Eastenders due to that fucking boxing ring, it's following me round.

Faye's wrestling name is so crap. Are they doing this task to get her votes? I wouldn't like people touching my feet. Harry is the least sexy wrestler ever. It's quite a good task, really. Faye's got a cob on about the wrestling. Makes a change. Defeated by the ankle-biter.

Faye-in-a-box is actually smiling since the sister of doom went!

Aaron's dancing is good! I like it. I can impersonate the signature dance move of most of my close friends. I like Tom and Alex hiding behind the barbecue, they are too cute.

I want Jay to go now, Faye and Aaron are being bearable tonight. Yes, bearable!

They don't bother putting punctuation on Jay's subtitles, because let's face it, he wouldn't.

Aaron: 'I love you.' Faye: *insert negative comment here*. She's right though, he doesn't love her. What about that Range Rover?! They've mounted the cash in a briefcase! Anton would like that.

At least Jay has the good grace to say thanks for those votes, unlike Aaron. Argh, I keep liking Jay again! Boo.

Oh no, I'm so gutted Harry went. I knew I should have chucked him another vote. How could Faye be more popular than him? I lay this squarely on the shoulders of Jem. Aw to Aaron and Faye crying. Oh Alex is howling!

Harry shouldn't have gone out like that. Common People! Harry should have been in the final. Fuck those tactical votes.

My boyfriend just said if Paddy can win it, Jay can win it, and he's right.

Couldn't Harry's parents have afforded a brace for him when he was younger? I can't honestly believe Harry is sitting there right now. It's so rubbish.

LOL to Aaron sobbing like a baby in the background. 'Jay is the horse with three legs' lol. Fuck off Brian, what are you, an honorary member of the Wolfpack? I don't think they let gay people in.

I liked Harry's rows. He was passionate about not very much. Harry will always be remembered for 'I'm sorry, Harry, did you say FIVE HUNDRED bananas?' Is Brian SERIOUSLY having a go at Harry about that? Pathetic. I'm losing faith in Dowling more and more every week, he's picking people up on pointless shit whilst glossing over genuine sexism and other bad crap.

Alex's sad face in the background was cute. Harry's leaving message was sweet. Harry looked emotional! I'm glad he said Alex was his favourite. I will miss Harry.

That house is a much poorer place without him. Six showmances and no posh boy. Boo. Mind you, this is a great British public (t.m. Jeremy Kyle) who voted for Kerry Katona over the immense Jedward. You anger me!

I think it must be between Aaron and Alex to win. And as lovely as Alex is, she's still sort of a floater. It feels like Aaron's worked for it a bit. Mind you, a LOT can happen in two weeks. A lot.

Bye, Harry. Go shoot something. And make it Faye's mum.

Big Brother 2011 - It's been absolutely fantastic

2011-10-27T22:59:00.003+01:00

Sorry I'm late, we went to Tesco and it dragged on a lot, but not as long as the Faye and Aaron saga (correct word).

God, is Jem still there? Let's wrap this shit up and move on. She's a piece of work and she doesn't deserve the oxygen, much less the airtime.

What is that bit they're showing with Aaron and Faye arguing last night? We never saw that! What were they arguing about, was it the Range Rover? Another big gap they're not bothering to show us, instead showing us Jem threatening to leave 70 billion times. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

I think Aaron is being a bit unfair to Aaron; a lot of young girls go 'I want x kids and this house' and all that bullshit. It doesn't mean anything, it's just idle chat.

My Sky TV just died then and we were just going to make up what happened in the rest of the episode but we resurrected it somehow. I sort of wish I hadn't as it's 24/7 Jem. Just proves what a selfish bitch she is to go even knowing that it put Faye at risk. I actually cared about that yesterday, but I don't today, because this story has been done to death. Once I've seen someone on BOTS I'm not really interested in what happened in the house because it's old news.

Glad Alex and Tom are still getting on. I wish they showed a lot more of the humour in the house.

Faye can't even bear his own company when he's having a poo!

Doesn't Faye get hat hair when she wears those stupid hats? I've got a hat a bit like that (despite calling it stupid) and it makes my fringe go mental.

Jem talking to camera. Jem talking at all. Just go away. God, this Big Brother is dire. Is she going to pack her own bag or just order someone else to do it for her like Mark did?

It's a bit late for the motivation speeches, Jem, after you've been in there and broken her. She's a manipulative motherfucker.

I'm so glad they didn't just put Harry and Aaron up, that would have sucked so bad. It does feel like the 'big guns' are up now, and I sincerely hope Faye goes. I'm really worried that Harry might be a bit vulnerable now.

If that's Jem's idea of an 'absolutely fantastic' time I'd hate to see her having an emotional breakdown. She doesn't deserve 'best bits'. She came, she made Faye cry, she left. She could have just stayed one more day, she would have been evicted anyway.

I couldn't drink that cinnamon shot! Yuck, look at all that powder! Ick.

I wonder what they're going to play at this rave, I hope it's Darude and Zombie Nation. It's like a 90s rave every night round my friend Adam's house, musically. So who do we reckon are the real pillheads? I reckon Jay, Aaron and Tom. Faye would be anti (obviously). I don't think Alex needs it.

You never see them in the pool, do you? Because it's October, I guess!

Who designs the McDonalds uniforms? Hamburglar or Jasper Conran? Could be either. What 'dirty' tunes did they play? Bass in the place? Josh Wink? Sonique? Born Slippy? Not fucking FAITHLESS, surely? Glow stick it up your arse!

Big Brother 2011 - U r a knob

2011-10-26T22:44:00.006+01:00

Sorry I'm late, I was trying to kick start my piece-of-shit laptop into life, by wiggling the wire to make it try and switch on. I'm a hairline crack away from electronic meltdown plus my netbook is fucked, plus my computer monitor is broken. I also spent half an hour dangling a coat hanger down the back of my fireplace tonight trying to save a tenner that fluttered through a crack, so you could say I'm on my uppers. It's been a bit of a shit day.

Now, which great philosopher once said, 'It only takes one tree to make a thousand matches, only takes one match to burrrrrrrrrnnnnnnn a thousand trees!' That's right, little Kelly Jones of the Stereophonics, who Aaron is turning to in his hour of need. It's more like Will Young's 'Leave right now' in that hell-house at the moment. At what point would you say the Stereophonics went down the dumper? Mr Writer would be the obvious answer, but let's face it, there were big problems from album 2 onwards. Still, an undeniable debut.

I don't blame Alex for lying about snogging Tom. Who in their right mind would jump on that showmance train? I HATE the way Faye deals with Aaron! 'What, with Maisy?' What is her problem?!

I can see Jay in his Del Boy outfit full time in a few years time. Having said that, I thought he was being quite kind to Aaron earlier when he was having one of his turns. Ten minute segments indeed. I have to take this show in ten minute segments. But I'm only allowed the amount specified by Big Brother.

LOL to them favouring a ten-year-old's general knowledge over Faye. She's gonna be a right mardy cow. I was shit at that general knowledge quiz, too. I only got 4. That kid was kind of stupid. They should have got a brainbox in to humiliate her.

Harry, you'll never look foxy, fox outfit or not. Hope they tear him to bits at the end. Harry was gleeful as a fox. I wish they'd teach him a proper lesson about hunting; like lock him in a task room and get PETA or Morrissey to talk some sense into him, with diagrams, and Harry's girlfriend as a hostage. Now THAT'S a task.

I wonder if that bookies smells like a bookies. Bet it don't. That smell cannot be replicated.

Aaron is so camp singing High School Musical. Nice to see him smiling, though. I wish Big Brother would be nicer to them sometimes.

Eww, Harry's sweaty bum! Gross.

Jem wants to leave so Faye can have fun! Hilarious. She's right though, it is more fun without Jem. Yes, she should leave them to it. Jem: 'it's all about Faye.' Because you're obsessed with her! This leaving conversation is interminable, I've heard it like a million times! Just show her leaving and let's get on with our lives.

Jay doesn't need someone to feed his energy, he needs someone to feed his idiotic ego. I can't relate to people who are upset that they can't exercise or socialise. I could exist quite happily in one room for a month, doing nothing and seeing no one.

Why should Aaron try and change Faye's mum's perception of him? Faye's mum should go fuck herself. She should have drowned her miserable daughters at birth and saved us all a headache.

Faye wants three kids OR a Range Rover. Aaron is going to give her a telling off in the DR now. Aaron, watch your mouth, what will Faye's mum say? Why doesn't he have that conversation with Faye?

Faye and Aaron: over because of a fictional Range Rover. God help us!

Big Brother 2011 - She spreads her legs for anyone

2011-10-25T22:24:00.004+01:00

Obviously I know about the nominations FIX. There's no doubt it's an entertaining twist, but I'm not very happy with the result. I DO think Aaron is being picked on by Big Brother. If it had been Aaron and Harry up I would have been super livid. As it is, it feels like a fix to keep Jay in.

I find Tom a lot more attractive than I used to. I think he's feeling the same way about Alex!

I agree with what Harry and Aaron said about Jem. Did he say she's so not 'real' or 'regal'? Hard to tell with Harry.

Aaron has a room dedicated to Lego. Eek. I like hearing the inane conversations they never show in the highlights. Not-radamaus! Nearly, Jay.

Aaron's worried little face during these nominations was a sight to behold. 'Imagine if your mum nominates me.' Jem: 'that would be so amazing.' Nice. Classy lady.

Alex's mum's nominations were spot on! The sisters arguing IS tedious! It's interesting to see if the friends and family nominate people THEY want to nominate, or who they think the person in the house would want them to nominate.

I think Faye's mum is thick as shit for nomination Harry and Aaron - Faye's ALLIES. Idiot. It's also very cruel to Faye. I think it's appalling. Fuck Jem going 'I'm proud of her.' It's emotional blackmail and it's horrid; my mum would never do that to me. Give Faye some autonomy, ffs. No wonder she's so miserable with all these women trying to run her life for her.

Harry's girlfriend gave very polite nominations! Aaron is doing a thousand-yard stare right now. Bad buzz.

Jay's mum is talking turkey about Aaron. What IS his gameplan!? Him and tray BOTH treat each other bad. I'm glad she nominated Faye, though.

Jem is a disgrace! I hated her reaction to her boyfriend's nominations. Aaron is SEETHING.

Louise's mum having a dig at Louise to 'be good'. We know what that means, don't we? Poor Aaron. I don't think he deserves this. He can be a prick, but he doesn't deserve this much demonisation.

I liked Tom saying his mum's nomination was a bad choice. Aaron DOES create a negative vibe, but so DOES FAYE! Why is Faye getting away with EVERYTHING?!

Aaron has to remember that the public have given him the most votes to save a million times over so he'd be NUTS to walk. If I was Faye now I'd go hug Aaron. If she loves him she should go reassure him. She doesn't give a fuck about him!

Fuck off talking about what you saw outside, Jem, you're not allowed to talk about it! Get her out. She's a fucking bitch.

It is SOOOOO unfair the way they are talking about Aaron; is everyone else whiter than white? I think the parents are COLLUDING to get Aaron out because he's so popular. It's a fucking fix.

Faye, why don't you follow your heart and stop listening to everyone else. You can't can you, because you DON'T HAVE THE SPINE.

I hate the thought that Faye will be in the final, because she's absolutely horrible. She's a horrible person. Aaron is misguided, but he's NOT HORRIBLE. He's not a bad person. This is a conspiracy. If I was Faye I'd be saying, 'I'm so sorry my mum and my sister are complete heartless arseholes.' She says NOTHING!

Big Brother IS portraying Aaron in a bad light. He's a moody bugger, but he's intelligent, and he's a nice guy.

I hope Faye's mum is happy that she's made Faye too scared to go home, now. Faye: you can always bunk up in Aaron's Lego room. FOLLOW YOUR HEART. Who wants to let their HEAD rule their HEART? Rubbish!

Meanwhile Aaron is saying he's falling in love with her. Why? Who knows. I don't think she's got one redeeming feature.

Harry's right: trust your OWN instinct, not these fucked-up family members with an agenda.

Jem has come to the Diary Room TO GLOAT. It's not your decision to decide who's right for someone else. It's YOU with the negative attitude. I don't think I've ever seen a smile on her face. I'm gonna spend a quid evicting that gristly old nagging shrew this week. A quid!

Faye you are so pathetic dumping Aaron because your mum told you to. You going to jump off a cliff cos your mum told you to? Faye, in the words of Sheryl Crow, If it makes you happy... it can't be that bad. Oh.

I don't BLAME Aaron for wanting to leave after what they've done to him. They've stitched him up good and proper. Faye, don't let him go. Not in his teacher's fleece.

Big Brother, I hope you are happy, you awful, awful people. You've destroyed this show in so many different ways and now you're probably driving Aaron to suicide. I hope he tops himself in the kitchen and sinks your horrible little freakshow FOREVER!

Big Brother 2011 - Snog and grind

2011-10-24T22:28:00.003+01:00

I'm surprised Faye defended Jay and Louise's under-cover antics when she's so worried about what people think. Maybe she thinks it takes the heat off her and Aaron's so-called relationship.

Sauna sex chat! Gross.

Louise and Jay having a snog and a grind! Gross. I guess that 'chemistry' kicked in (ie. desperation). I'm so bored of these 'romances'. Nomances!

Aaron calling Jem awkward. He can talk! They're both total oddballs.

Harry: 'my friends are prim and proper'. Why is he being a dick to Alex? Alex dealt with him nicely. She's quite funny.

I'm not even going to mention them bringing in people from the outside world for tasks any more, that ship has well and truly sailed. Grrrrrrr.

Tom was the best in that task. How come Louise gets a grotty fat man? Jay: 'she's got some tits on her.' VILE.

That conversation between Faye and Louise was very loaded. Especially considering they don't like each other. What's the point in whispering 'starting to fall for him'? Faye is sooooo uptight!

Harry is being SOOOOO rude to Alex! It is kind of funny, though. Why does he think he's too good for her! Who cares what mummy honeybunch thinks? Filler!

Aaron is feeling 35% love for Faye. is the other 65% unbridled hate? The coded conversations are so transparent.

Harry and Aaron are having a very dangerous conversation! They are always skirting around nomination chat.

What the hell is going on with Tom and Alex? I hope they don't snog because it will ruin a good friendship. It's kind of cute, though. I think they're just getting desperate. Either way; they're the most genuine couple in the house.

Big Brother 2011 - What will our friends and family say?

2011-10-23T21:02:00.004+01:00

I wasn't even going to bother to write this blog today cos I thought if the producers are going to treat me like a cunt, why should I bother publicising their rotten little show? But then I saw they were showing the audition tapes and changed my mind - turncoat!

I think the problem with Aaron and Faye is that they fancy each other but they don't like each other. Jem is always 'what will our friends and family think' - who knows, maybe one person might think one thing, one person might think another, rather than being one homogeonous lump of judgement! Ever considered that?

The way Jem is eating her breakfast is making me feel physically sick and the fact she's eating it in bed isn't helping.

Did Jay just said 'I didn't ride her' about having sex with someone? Women aren't fucking horses! What a loathsome man. How can Louise sit there giggling, dead-eyed and pretend she fancies that, when she doesn't, and if she does, she needs to change her medication.

Oh Faye, just fucking leave already you immature, manipulative, pathetic little parasite. Affecting your Big Brother experience? Your affecting my Big Brother experience with your dreary drab face, your whinging monotone voice and your cold unpleasant sister. Why don't you both just fuck off?

Rowing task. What is this music they're playing over the top of it, I feel like I'm stucking a Nintendo game (window pane). Four hours rowing!

Aaron telling Louise and Jay he took his wife's name when they got married (well, went double-barrelled) and Louise went 'I've never heard of that before.' WTF! I am literally agog. Just how thick is this bitch? Then she goes 'I won't change my name then' and caveman Jay goes 'yeah you will.' Yeah and put his fucking tea on and do his washing whilst you're at it, and no you're not going out with your friends and why have you got all that make up on? *puts head in hands* *gnashes teeth*

That has probably shocked me more than anything I've seen this series. Go on Louise, 'spit out' those babies, be a good girl. Do you think she's ever even heard of feminism? Do you think she's ever even had a boyfriend make her a cup of tea or give her more than three minutes foreplay? She probably thinks it's Christmas when she gets oral sex or allowed out for the night, she's so fucking subservient.

Sorry, I'm in quite a bad news tonight, so I'm on a bit of a bile roll. The problem is, there's almost no one to champion in the house.

'I could still do the task, I just can't be bothered etc'. Clearly. I'm just waiting for Jay to get upset about being beaten by a girl. It must be hard to do that for eight hours. I wouldn't last eight fucking minutes. I love Alex! She was determined.

Aaron shaking his head when Faye's video was showing is a bit rich considering he slagged off 'gobby women' and called himself a womaniser. I don't think Aaron and Faye can really have a go at each other about the audition videos, as they both came across as absolute cocks. That won't stop them, though, obviously.

Aaron is stewing on something! How can he say he's a ladies man if he's not had sex in seven years! I smell bullshit. I know they lie on their vids, but he is too shady.

What ARE Jay and Louise doing under those covers? Not hiding from their brothers, that's for sure!

Jem moaning about wanting to leave is a bit ungrateful after the public voted to save her. Just leave if you want to leave and stop hanging it over people's heads. Piss off and take your comedy hats with you!

What will our friends and family say? What will our friends and family say? What will our friends and family say? What will our friends and family say? What will our friends and family say? So Jem is going to leave because Faye's smoking? Chuck her in the pool. Fucking hell, the emotional blackmail going on right there! Families, hey! That unconditional love knows no bounds. That blood really is thicker than water - really, really thick. Do we have to watch quite so much of this? It's boring as fuck.

Jem 'I don't think I should stay for the people who voted.' I'm glad I didn't vote for that cunt. Ungrateful bitch.

If you really want to go and they're giving you that 'go sleep on it' shit I'd just start banging my head against the wall, it's not a fucking prison. I'm always looking to make my exit in any given situation. Or just go spit on someone. Or call them dish out some race hate. That seems to have worked in the past. Oh no, they can't do that, they've voted out all the black people. And almost all the women. Jay McCaveman and his limpet girlfriend FTW!

Big Brother 2011 - Re-issue, repackage

2011-10-22T21:48:00.003+01:00

Anton eviction: two highlights. One: Jem's face when she was saved. Two: Jay's face directly after. Twitchy isn't the word. Imagine being less popular than some hard-faced adjunct who's only been in there two weeks. Now that's the public really sending a strong message. I would have loved to have seen him go instead of Anton. The fact that Jay thought the public would be enthralled by all their crypt claptrap says a lot about his taste in entertainment.

Anton was good in his interview, and left a classy goodbye speech. Brian let himself down a bit by crawling up his arse. Besides, I don't think sexism was Anton's defining feature. It was being an enormous prick.

Villain villain villain villain villain villain villain villain villain villain villain villain villain bye.

What is this week long catch up for? Stop pandering to 'casual viewers'. There are no 'casual viewers'. But you're in danger of making your regular viewers casual.

OMG I literally can't believe that this has been all recap so far. WTF am I supposed to write my blog about? They are taking us for absolute cunts. As if it's not embarrassing enough admitting to people that you still watch Big Brother, about five years after everyone else did, now they are taking us for complete mugs, too. I'm actually appalled. If I miss a TV show, I don't expect that next time I tune in everyone else who did watch it should have to sit through someone patronisingly telling me what I missed. I just catch the fuck up. It's not exactly The Wire, is it?

My boyfriend just said they give us so little anyway, and to take more away is just unfair. It's true, it's like they're picking on us! Where's the logic?

In that insulting recap, I hadn't actually seen Tom getting Harry's letter, or Faye pathetically going 'I really like you' to Aaron.

Jay is devastated, yeah, devastated that he got beats by Jem.

Faye's drunk and being a dick again. Another row! Boo. Go hide under your covers again, Aaron.

Are they or aren't they allowed to talk about nominations now? Who knows.

Jem: 'At some point tomorrow I'd like to have a chat with you.' Scary! Aaron shouldn't say those bridges are burnt- if you love someone you make an effort with their family. It's your duty, no matter how awful they might be, and Jem did offer to talk to him about it, albeit in a threatening way. That proves to me that Aaron doesn't care one jot about Faye.

Why has Faye got some hat from Downton Abbey hat on? Why when Faye says 'I really like you' does it sound like a threat?I just glaze over when Louise and Jay are on.

Eww to Jay staring in the mirror while cuddling Louise; gross. And were they shagging at the end? The thing is... I just don't care anymore. A new low in the BB legacy tonight.

Big Brother 2011 - I don't want to see a ghost, rather have a piece of toast

2011-10-20T22:29:00.003+01:00

I'm a bit fed up cos I missed the first 10 minutes and I hate watching things late. I normally just refuse to watch them at all because I'm cut-off-your-nose-to-spite-my-face like that. I like Alex's zombie look, this is making me want to watch the Walking Dead. The make-up is quite decent.

Faye looked like she had a wet bum in the DR. Aaron is aroused by the zombie look! Anton and Jay are enjoying a good eyeful, too. I think Anton is so gutted that he never got off with anyone in that house, it's poisoned him.

'A full effort!' Aaron is like a virtual Shakespeare. It's like deja vu with him and Faye, are they/ aren't they/ who cares.

This film premier looks like a star-studded event. Angelina? Cruise? Shia LaBeouf, even? No, it's Lucien Laviscount and Bobby Sable. Alex Reid aint even there.

I just texted my friend to find out what happened in the first 10 mins and she said she was napping. How can you nap through the crypt twist, this TV bronze?

I hope Paranormal Activity 3 is better than 1 which just involved a creaking door and a couple so interminable you were praying for them to die, and quickly.

Alex looks good as a zombie. She's pissing me off being so scared of nothing, though. She's losing brownie points here.

Jay and Anton are trashing the garden. They are getting Evil Dick heavy metal music like they play in BBUSA when someone goes crazy. A cushion in a tree? They'll know Jay is the culprit.

Aaron is going to go bananas about that mess. Hope he enjoyed that creaky door 3.

What a load of non-seance! I'm ouija bored. No, I'm not really, I just wanted to use some bad puns. They should have played Ouija Board by Morrissey over this bit.

LOL to how unshocked they all looked when Anton and Jay popped up. Thought Jay and Anton were going to 'play it ghoul'?

Smart move by Anton to put Jem up. It's who do you think you can beat, isn't it? 'Faye and Anton just got together'? Rilly?

I HATE Jay and Anton lording it over everyone, it's gross. Jay alluding to something and then not saying what is pathetic. How can Jem trust Jay? Him and Anton just put her up! Why would Faye and Jem believe what Jay said, anyway?

How dare Harry be 'energetic and excited' in the DR!? Evict him immediately. Aaron: 'I don't know what to believe.' Believe your friend.

Jay: 'Faye needs to pipe down a bit'. You can fucking talk, you absolute prick. I'd love to see this cunt go out this week.

Anton's behaviour is giving me a bad feeling in my stomach. Louise, you are thick if you're believing this bullshit. I hate this hatchet job they are doing on Harry, it's so unfair. Just don't FALL FOR IT!

Why is Faye digging Aaron out about Jem? Shouldn't she trust her OWN BOYFRIEND? God, this lot deserve each other, they really do. Save Harry!

PS: I'm off out tomorrow night (shocking stuff) so there may not be a blog. See you at the weekend, zombinos.

Big Brother 2011 - Own ghoul

2011-10-19T22:14:00.006+01:00

I like the twist, I mean, not the people getting an unfair advantage, but the idea of the crypt, anyway. And the outfits. I don't really like not knowing what's going on, or Anton or Jay getting special privileges or power. They got a fried breakfast, ffs! And they're the most hated people in the house. That's just not cricket, honeybunch.

Aaron and Harry should be a bit savvy, though, and consider the fact that Anton and Jay could be watching.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream, don't we, Sree?

Every time Louise comes to the DR I lose the will to live. She don't half prattle on.

So can they see the Diary Room or not? I heard they can, which isn't right. And they got live feed and we don't! This is BS.

There's blood coming out of the shower! Well that's a convenient excuse to perv on Louise, Harry.

Anton looks like the Emperor from Star Wars in his ghoulie garb. I think I kind of like it.

Get that miserable bitch Faye, next! Bury her alive.

Interesting to see Anton watch Aaron sympathising with him in the sauna. Jay on the live feed: 'This is like watching paint dry.' Ungrateful!

I hate the way Faye tries to manipulate Aaron. She's constantly trying to trip him up. They really are both as bad as each other. I think what Jem said in the DR was a fair cop, to be honest.

I think Anton is getting a bit carried away with his cape, he's like a machiavellian muppet.

Aaron... you've actually thought about sleeping with your 'girlfriend'! PERVERT! The way she reacts to things is fucking pathetic. I don't think Aaron creates dramas to get air time. I just think him and Faye are completely incompatible.

Uh oh, I don't like Anton and Jay plotting against Aaron. They have a totally unfair advantage. Anton is plotting a very dastardly plan!

OMG they are showing them the Diary Room! A bond of trust has been abused... something of value... has been lost. Do they care nothing for traditions? Honestly, I find that quite shocking. You could say something highly personal in there. It kind of backfired, too, because Aaron was saying nice things about Jay and Anton.

Quite telling that Jay's biggest insult for someone is to call them a 'girl'. Those bodies in the hall are scary!

I think Alex is overdoing the histrionics a bit. Even she twigged the chihuahua story wasn't true. I want to know what little monster they do have in that cage. I think Alex would rather see Tinkerbell than Tashie. I definitely would.

Jem always says she doesn't know Aaron. But she lives with him!

Harry's not dressed as Tim Henman's dad today. He's dressed more like he found some things in a lost property box. Anton is pan-faced at Harry's DR lols.

My boyfriend just said they should show the house what idiot 1 and 2 have been doing in the crypt. But will they? They need to do something to even the score.

I hope Anton NEVER makes it back into that house. And I hope they evict the cunt in that outfit.

Now, please excuse me, I've just got to take a call on my crypt phone.

Big Brother 2011 - We've become legends

2011-10-18T22:26:00.006+01:00

I've got a friend round who doesn't have a TV and hasn't watched one episode. He's already laughing at 'This house was built on a burial site.' Fact. He also says Marcus is hamming it up since the old days.

No one wants your £110 trainers, Jay.

Louise: 'I love going into a butchers and smelling the meat.' Gross! Butchers smell like death. Murder! Do you know how animals die, Louise?

Look at Aaron's bad taste tattoos. They look like 90s tattoos.

Nominations! Yay. I avoided the result again. Very easy. Anton admits he's got no dignity. Well, we knew that.

Anton's irrelevant nominations! Boo. Play ball, naughty. Ooh, Louise is nominating a man. Weird. Louise is nominating Faye because she wants to have a chat with her. WTF.

Lots of nomination talk today. Crack down, BB! Nice threads, Harry. I'm sure Tim Henman's dad would love them.

I like Anton being nominated by Jem for 'cackling to himself.' A wrestler is intimidated by Jay! He's not punched a pillow in a week now.

OMG Jay doing a poo with the door open! I've seen it all now. Did he say 'I'm coming out'? Strange way to do it! My friend is horrified! I've already appalled him tonight by suggesting dolphins lay eggs, now this. I'm never going to live down my lowbrow lifestyle.

Why is Faye nominating wrapped in that beige towel? Ick.

Interesting Alex nominated Aaron for his mood swings, I'm surprised he didn't get more. I'm thrilled that Anton and Jay are up!

Louise and Jay are pure toilet, with her farts and his poops.

It's been quite a funny BB so far tonight. Tom and Alex's imaginary hair salon. Please let Jay cut his pinkie off. I'd like crisps on tap.

Jay is missing his grandma. No, just her dumplings. Let's see how long this speaking ban lasts.

Even Jay's tomato sauce rantings don't make sense. Plus, they're NOT ALLOWED TO WRITE THINGS.

Jay vs a Pillow 2. The revenge. It's like a bad play. I just said he'd changed his ways! Now he's let us all down again.

I liked Big Brother giving them a taste of their own medicine, cute. Tom; 'I think we should break this silence thing, soon.' I think you already have.

I'm slightly behind on the show and my friend has texted me to say 'this twist is a kick in the groin'. I'm intrigued now. Kick 'em both out! Go eat granny's dumplings.

Jay and Anton deserve to be put in a crypt. Bedsit times! I don't want them to change the noms! I was looking forward to another wolf scalp on my wall this week.

Are they going to get some food in the afterlife? I hate this pair, I don't want them to have that power. It's like a poisoned bedsit! Bedshit! Down at the bottom of the garden/ amongst the birds and the bees/ a little lot of little tossers/ they call the Wolfpack disease! I like their little black outfits, but it's not as good as when Emma's top kept falling down.

Is it going to be Fight Night 2? I hope Jay nuts someone and gets kicked out. I like that crypt, just seal up the doors and leave them in there.

Are they feeding them Halloween sweeties in that crypt? I think they're eating skulls filled with goop and pumpkin bubblegum.

This is a good twist, it's been a particularly good episode tonight. It's just a shame about the two people up for nomination, as it's skewed things in the wrong direction.

'It's been two hours since Jay and Anton went to their graves.' If only. I like those headphones they're wearing.

Don't invoke rule 13, Big Brother. Who do you think you are, Vinnie Jones?

Love Anton and Jay patting their hearts to show the love. But will they be showing the love when they go back in? Who will be wielding the knife ala Victor? Will Tom do a Marco? Who will be shown the door?

Also, isn't it fishy, possibly, that on the first week Aaron isn't up Anton essentially 'throws' the nominations? How would things have been different if Aaron and Anton were in the crypt?

I hope this pans out this week. And don't get me wrong, I hope it's explosive. But I hope the fallout sways in the right direction.

In the meantime, Jay and Anton: I aren't Legend.

Big Brother 2011 - Off the peg

2011-10-17T22:21:00.003+01:00

I wouldn't say romance was dead in that house but 'Jay for Loo' allegedly written in blood doesn't really do it for me. Anton: 'I'm either a villian or an antihero.' Tom: 'No, you're just a dick.'

Aaron is going to treat Faye like a princess. Is that the princess with a good work ethic? Yes, like Cinderella, he's going to lock her in a cupboard and make her do some sweeping. Mind you, she deserves it.

I'm sick of Aaron and Faye and I'm sick of Jay and Louise. At least that kiss looked passionate between Aaron and Faye. Louise and Jay are more like doggers. In fact, they probably WILL be doggers when they get out. High class doggers.

LOl to Aaron covering up his snogging by moaning about frosted fucking flakes. Love Harry's acerbic digs!

UH OH! Aaron's not happy about Faye's nipple piercing talk! There's gonna be hell to pay. He's never going to make her cry again? We'll see. He's probably made her cry again before the end of this blog.

What is Louise going on about? I don't think she knows what day of the week is.

Jay 'I never thought I was going to come in here and win Big Brother.' Rubbish! He can make friends in an empty room? Hmm, depends how fussy the room is. Still, nice to see Jay and Aaron chatting (I think).

I'd be wary of Aaron, too, if I was Jem. She should wrestle him to the ground and find out what his intentions are.

That jumper Aaron is wearing! WTF is he thinking, he looks like a school teacher. And what's going on with his beard? It's gone a bit Noel-Edmonds-during-Deal-or-No-Deal-live-week.

These love messages are fucking try hard! Tragic. You can't make someone love you with a straw or tin foil. Some gaffer tape and a chainsaw and we might be talking.

Jay and Louise are actually getting quite creepy now. Did Jay just use the word 'epiphany'? Howway man! Was that it? Bit of a dull one tonight. No, not my blog, the show!

Big Brother's Bit on the Side (BOTS)

2011-10-16T22:15:00.003+01:00

I thought I'd do a quick review of BOTS, as I've actually been watching it this series, unlike last series, when it was Big Mouth, but bore no resemblance to the surreal art-house knockabout romp fronted by Russell Brand in our youths, but instead was Davina McCall (remember her?) shrieking and trying to be impartial. Appalling.

I've had my doubts about Emma Willis in the past (shrilllllll!) but she loves Big Brother, and she's easy on the eye, and I think she's been pretty good for this show. She watches it (which is more than Davina or George Lamb - shudder - did) and she has a good sense of humour. The format of the show is generally quite good and easy to watch, and although I can't warm to Alice (what's the point of her?) I went from hating Jamie East to thinking he's pretty funny, and he gets away with saying the most offensive things. They don't try too hard to be funny or surreal, as has been the mistake on this show in the past.

The guests are generally quite good with a few exceptions (how much did they have to pay Linda Lusardi?). Pete Burns, Lauren Harries and Victor have all been extremely good value and entertaining, although you can get a bit sick of anyone after a week.

Victor can somehow get away with being so offensive and sexist, yet still being super funny. I'd say there's slightly too much Josie on it (what is the fascination with her?) but I like it when they dig up ancient housemates like Freddie, Ahmed and Jonty. And it's always a pleasure to see Rodrigo on my screen. But when are they going to dig up the Irrepressible Dark Horse, or did I miss that one?

I think when BB finishes, and BOTS is no more, I'll miss it. But I'd still swap it in seconds for even an hour of live feed. Sort it out, C5. I miss it on those nights I stay up late. Waiting for them to wake up used to be a gentle sort of fun.

PS: a word on OKTV. Fair enough ditching smug Matt, but Kate Walsh is worth a hundred of the sleazy Jenny Frost. And Jeff Brazier is no good, either. Goodbye!

Big Brother 2011 - Frosted flakes food fight fiasco

2011-10-16T21:25:00.004+01:00

Imagine waking up to the frosted flake aftermath! I hate the way Aaron stomps around making people feel uncomfortable. I hate people who put their mood onto everyone else.

Tom is soooo right about Aaron, he doesn't know when to stop. 'Mortified'? Get a grip. I'd hate to see how he reacts when something really mad happens. He's worse that Vinnie Jones in a way, because it's all so insidious. I could NOT go out with a moody man; I'd stab him to death within a week. I'd prefer all-out bile to that.

If it's not Frosties, then it's the letter bomb of love that will bring us together. I like these shit-stirring tasks. Jay is reading Anton's letter like a six-year-old reads out their homework. Lucky it didn't have any words over three syllables in it.

I liked the 'Lego bricks' comment. Bit harsh. Willy, willy, willy (revived). I think I'd like to see Aaron go this week, even though I've voted to save him many times. I'm fed up with him. It's just plain rude not listening to people's letters; they are human beings, frosted flakes or otherwise. Nice 'f' alliteration, Marcus Bentley.

He doesn't give a shit about Faye if they're really breaking up over some Frosties. Aaron, you are pissing all the good will the public have for you up the wall.

Harry's gone BOOM! Jay is going to be in the bad books. Damn, I wanted to hear more 'honeybunch' stuff. I would have been more interested in that than any of the others!

Imagine having a mirror straight in front of the toilet! No one wants to look at themselves having a shit. And if it's because there's a camera behind there, that's even worse.

Jay's mum wrote a nice message, quite eloquent to have spawned him. Aw, Alex is so cute speculating what would have been in his letter from home.

I honestly think Aaron should shove that letter from home up his arse. Although I think Faye is enjoying having the moral high ground. I like her jumper, though.

This conversation between Anton and Aaron is cringy. Anton should stay as he is - a prize prat. Going to the final? We'll see!

What was Jay alluding to then? Is he saying he slept with Louise?! A gentleman? I don't think so!

Wow, it's only 10pm. Two extra hours before bed! *eats popcorn*

Big Brother 2011 - Wait until mum sees this

2011-10-15T22:37:00.003+01:00

Two blogs on the trot, my laptop is going to cry. Lucky my novel writing has come to a grinding halt lately as I've had some serious techno troubles this week and I could have lost my magnum opus.

I'm looking forward to seeing Anton unravel from all angles tonight.

Showergate! Who DOES shower naked in from of their family? Well, maybe Jedward. Jem is dressed entirely in clothes I own today. Weird.

I think Faye doesn't want Jem to see her naked because she thinks she's out of shape. She's seriously touchy about her body, cos it's all she's got.

Alex is always supporting other people. When does anyone ever support her?

What exactly happened with Louise and Jay? What's the current status? I feel like I'm missing huge chunks of storyline here.

They are pointing out Harry is posh again, in case we've forgotten. They are obviously worried about him becoming a bit too popular. OMG 25 rooms in his house! It shouldn't take that long to count the rooms in your house. Right, it worked, I'm not voting for him. Aw, bootsy baby. Besides, he must still live with his mummy.

As much as I like Aaron it's indicative of the poor quality of housemates that he is winning all the public votes. I HATE it when housemates talk to the cameras, it's the lowest of the low, Big Brother shouldn't show it in my opinion.

Which campus is Jay the big man on? The university of idiots?

Aaron: 'I was a bit of a nincompoop at 19.' LOL. You're now talking to yourself in a garden. Get a grip, man.

Ah, Louise is back in bed with Jay. She must be bored.

I like Alex's pink dress. Aaron and Faye's showmance paid off. My boyfriend noticed that the housemates don't seem to be allowed to get up to hug each other when people get saved. Must be camera angles.

Can't believe Anton wanted to ruin Aden's exit. What a tool. Aden wasn't bothered about going! Lol to the Wolf pack's best bits. I didn't remember Pammy was a member.

Jay: 'he took it like a man'. Aden wasn't getting his limbs blown off in war, ffs. Then Jay started crawling up Aaron's arse. But Aaron still won't bite. Aaron is quite ungracious; be polite like Alex with the gross posh food.

I love the fact Faye and Aaron argue about how to celebrate not being evicted. They are a truly fucked up couple. Tom is right though; Aaron will get so far, but he won't win. It is the Freddie Factor, and it just took Bea to derail that train.

Uh oh, Louise is pissed and saying she fancies Jay again. Jay: 'so why did you say you didn't like us then?' Because SHE WAS SOBER.

Anton, you're not a popular villain. You're an unpopular knob.

I wonder why everyone's getting on? Because Anton and Jay are both on a kiss-ass mission. I like Jem's strawberry hat.

Frosties fight! Imagine finding all those in your pants all week! Aaron is disgusted! People having fun! HEATHENS.

LOl to Alex eating own-brand Frosties out of a shoe. There's one for her best bits. Probably still tasted better than Harry's posh nosh.

Aaron is in shock and awe! Faye's getting involved in the Frosties fight! Dumped again. Aaron is going to get a shock one of these days when his Victor Meldrew runs out of steam and he gets shown the door. And wouldn't it be a turn up for the books if it happened before Anton? Vote wisely this week, housemates.

The X Factor - Love & Heartache

2011-10-15T21:00:00.012+01:00

Well last week's twist was pretty rubbish, wasn't it? It's left us with a bunch of old duffers in the competition and cut decent or fun people like Amelia or 2 shoes.

Nu Vibe on first? They really are being punished for last week, aren't they? See ya!

Did Tulisa just say she can't stand Dappy? Lol. Join the queue.

How can they make With or Without You more palatable? Well, taking Bono off helps. But this is duff. I wonder what 2 shoes would have done this week? Why are they always giving Nu Vibe rubbishy dance tunes? My boyfriend has renamed them 'No Direction'. Where's the cute one? Gary stole Louis's 'no vibe' joke.

I think whoever is styling Tulisa is mates with Cheryl Cole, because they're making her look like crap every week. Last week it was the two-tone highlights, this week a harsh black bun. She looks like she's off to a Greek funeral. I wouldn't mind if she was actually a good judge, but she's not, I've heard more concise criticism round the water cooler.

Why is Sammi going on about her weight? Shouldn't it be about the singing? And why do they make her up to look so old? She looked young and fresh faced in the clip before, but they've made her look like an old granny.

I wish Kelly Rowland would 'put it down'. Gary is so po-faced, what a miserable fuck. It makes me sick all this love for him, he just comes across like a curmudgeon with none of the charm or grace of Simon. My boyfriend has declared him 'Gary Cropper' but I think that's a bit harsh on Roy. At least he's loveable. I think Gary needs to get off that diet and let his hair down a bit. Since when did he become the elder statesman of pop, anyway? Fucking hell, next year they'll probably stick H from Steps (aka Donny Tourette's stepladder) on the judging panel and expect me to eat it. 'Oh H, please put me through! I really want to meet Lee Latchford-Evans' at the judges house stage!'

That song Craig did was rubbish. I like him but he's a bit overrated. I'm not surprised that song was Beyonce. I have a gene that makes me hate every song she's ever put her name to.

Oh piss off with your sob story about liking heavy metal music, Janet. I don't like her performances at all, she just leaves me cold. But I might as well get used to it as she's going to be in for a long time.

Frankie was awful! I love that Coldplay song, and it normally makes me cry, but it showed up the weaknesses in his voice really badly. They took out all the drama and build up in that song, too. Swagger fail, lol.

Johnny at least brings a bit of light to the competition, and I liked 'vogue' and 'you can rub my lamp anytime'. It really is a miracle to make Barlow crack a smile, he's concentrating so hard on looking sour/sexy, which he isn't, and I speak with some conviction, because I used to fancy him in the 90s.

I love Marcus, but that song was dreary. I hope it doesn't put him in jeopardy.

(My computer died for a while so I'm playing catch up, as Roy Walker says).

I really like Rhythmix, I think they're fun and cute, and a bit of a mess vocally, but in a good way. They're like cartoon characters.

Mischa has come as a Quality Street. I said to my boyfriend 'do you recognise this song? It's Charlie and Eddie.' and he goes, 'Oh, that used to be a good song.'

The Risk are perfectly pleasant. I'm already bored by them.

Sophie should have gone last week, yo. Amelia was a lot more exciting and interesting than her (well, she was before they sucked all her natural style out of her, and left her with bedraggled pink hair and frosted lipstick, crying).

At least they gave Sophie a fringe, she needed one. But they've made her look so duff and mumsy. Why can't they make teenagers look a bit cool? It's like they take their natural style and suck it out of them and put it back together like your mum buying you a grotesque jumper and saying 'this is your sort of thing isn't it?' Sophie can sing, but she's got no X Factor.

What's the point in hating Kitty? Everyone knows a Kitty. You just let them get on with it. I like her antagonism towards people booing her. She should go on Celeb Big Brother. She looks rather botoxed. Isn't she only 28? She should have done Hyperballad by Bjork instead. No one can EVER do It's Oh So Quiet as well as Janice Battersby did on Stars in Their Eyes once. That was TV gold. I thought Kitty's version was quite good, too, actually. I'd take her over Janet any day.

Big Brother 2011 - Blessed of Brrrrrrrrrrrrrapish

2011-10-14T21:28:00.007+01:00

Why is Jay getting cheered? He's a total arsehole. The crowd is full of knobs. If he hears himself getting cheered that will make him even more unbearable. Why is Faye getting cheered, too?

Anton's got his Dustin crown on! Douche.

Anton is plotting. Hopefully he won't be around to make the reign of the wolfpack come true.

Interesting they are pitching it as Aaron vs Anton. It's not quite a two horse race yet.

LOL to Brian flirting with Jem's ridiculously pumped boyfriend.

It took me about seven minutes to work out this game was meant to be Deal or No Deal. I love it when they bust out the kloches. Aden is getting quite a good edit, here. I would have took the phonecall.

Ugh that made me sick to see Jay getting cheered and congratulating himself. Yay, Aaron got the most votes! That's one in the eye for Jay. Aaron's being all humble! They don't normally tell you who got the most votes, interesting.

Why on earth did Aden let Louise cut his hair? Did he not see what she did to Jay? He looks like he's used to posing for mugshots.

Yuck, all that burping is gross. I'm on Aaron's side. I don't burp! Aaron has got the hump because Faye burped at him. My boyfriend is a bit funny about things like that, too, but luckily I don't burp. Aaron is 'scarred by it.' Control freak! Aaron is sooooo prissy.

I am sickened again by Jay getting so roundly cheered! The man is an animal. I can't stand Faye, but I'm glad they said she was safe before him. What's Jem wearing; some sort of hessian hat, a garland and a silver bikini. WTF.

Aaron and Faye are the touchiest couple on the planet! She can't tell when he's joking because he says them with a straight face and she can't hack it. If they're like this after three weeks 'of love' can you imagine what they'd be like after a year? Relationships are supposed to enrich you, ffs.

I might believe Aden was leaving more on Thursday if he wasn't sitting there on Friday night! I remember when John James went crab-eyesing through that very door. Magical moments, they were. Until they put him back in.

I'm so annoyed that Anton is pretending to care that we hate him. He cares a lot. He's just a little boy hiding behind a series of comedy hats. Damn him!

And damn Brian Dowling too, for making me wait an hour to find out what's what. I need to know now!

Love Anton going 'wow' when he realises Aaron and Faye are popular. Aaron shaking his head when Jay did his 'thanks' message was lols. Wolfpack crap. My thoughts exactly.

LOL to Anton surviving. Anton seems grateful for whatever braindead amoeba voted for him. Stop ruining Aden's moment, you prick. Brap! Aden sounds like my cat when he does his telephone noise. My cat makes that noise when he's happy; Aden seem pretty happy, too. Who can blame him?

LOL Anton is crying! I'm fucking thrilled. Are we finally seeing him crack? His friendship with Aden actually seems real. Could this be Anton's turnaround moment? If he does a proper grovel, maybe he could end up winning it. I never thought we would see this moment, when he was begging the crowd to boo him, but he does actually care! I knew it. He'll be cuddling Aaron by the end of the week.

Why DID Aden get such a good reception? Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!

I liked him being embarrassed at seeing himself blubbing. I hate it when people say 'I love you to pieces'. I have a mental image of being in pieces in a bin bag.

I thought Aden came off quite well in the interview. He seemed a lot perkier than in the house. I thought his skinhead looked alright, too, and I liked his interaction with the crowd.

LOL to him being embarrassed at his own rapping. Genuinity indeed! He took that very well. I actually thought he was cute when he went in. And he said Alex FTW. Yay. And a classy message, too.

Rebecca looked like an absolute state, but she looked really happy, like she actually loved him! Weird. What a strange happy ending. I believe in it more than Aaron and Faye, at least they might have some sexual chemistry. Well, for tonight, at least. Lock up your Travelodge!

Big Brother 2011 - Strop over yet? What about now?

2011-10-13T22:23:00.004+01:00

What don't you want to hear about your hair in the morning? 'It doesn't look atrocious.' Still, better than 'it does look atrocious', I guess.

Every computer in my house is broken except this one, which is hanging on by a thread. I have to shut it every ten minutes to stop it overheating. If I have to end up writing a BB blog on my phone I'm going to be super miffy-ied.

Jay's in a grump about food again. It's like Groundhog Day. Groundhog Jay.

Anton: 'if my name's not called on Friday I'm leaving.' Not that old trick! Is he doing reverse psychology in the public? What an intelligent man! Evict it! I really miss the vote to evict this year. We were wrong for wanting the vote to save all that time. Vote to evict was amazing.

Could Aaron win it? Could he?

Aw to them buying Alex hair extensions. £30 is extravagant when they've only got £100 to last them a week. We're budgeting in our house at the mo, and I would call that entirely mental. My Avon stuff came today and now we can't even have a drink tomorrow! We had to buy our cats own brand cat food, ffs. Luckily, they eat anything.

I don't think OK magazine would even be interested in Faye and Aaron, they're so dull as a couple. Is it real, or isn't it? Either way, it's boring. I like Aaron, but she just saps me to death. They should have her droning on a loop to get confessions out of child molesters.

Is snap-on hair nice? I hate all hair extensions. Just grow your hair, you lazy buggers. It only takes two years and it doesnt come off in your soup.

LOL to Aden's house meeting. Loving the dramatic music. I wonder if there was one person in that kitchen not thinking 'what a prick.' Uncivil solutions all round, please. Now Anton is sulking in bed like Aaron normally does.

I LOVED Alex and Tom doing the Macarena 28 times. They are so cute together. How do they know all the dance moves? Do some people just come born with that ability to do the Macarena?

Aaron says the stupidest things. But Faye gets upset very easily. Aw, Aaron is cute. Faye can't take a joke and the sister is worse.

Harry is the funniest person in that house, hands down. I'd love a posho to win it. But can it be done? Save Aaron! Boo Jay. And throw things at Anton. Cheers.

Big Brother 2011 - We've grafted all day fighting Yetis

2011-10-12T22:03:00.005+01:00

What's all this echoey recapping? Can we just see some new clips, please.

Alex shouldn't admit to Anton that she nominated him. Have you ever heard an intelligent person say 'because obviously I'm intelligent'? Do you think Einstein walked round extolling his own virtues and wearing a 'Wasn't Me' cap?

Bad atmosphere in that house today. The reason Anton's gone mad is because he's lost control and he's lost it badly. I still don't think he'll go, though. I think it'll be Aden.

Snow theme! What's up with Alex? I don't like things that are 'character building.' My character's built.

Aaron's got mirrors on his ceiling. Is that for wanking? He likes the work ethic of what Disney princess? The way Faye goes 'are you kinky?' is like 'have you got herpes?' No, I just like missionary position only Faye, once a week for the rest of our miserable life! Happy now, dear?

Jay was pretty close on the skiing task! Hehe. BB could be bullshitting about him being under time for all we know. I hope so.

Aaron: 'I bought into the concept of us.' Smooth.

Anton: 'Aaron's just a natural dickhead.' That's rich coming from him! I'm glad Louise stood up to him. I think Anton might stab someone soon. Hope it's Jay.

Beware the yellow snow. Ugh they made her eat cow urine? Surely that's against health and safety? She didn't look too pleased about that. Not sure why she tried it again, though.

I don't really like this task, or any elaborate task like this. I prefer the ones where they pull their personalities to bits, or when they just leave things to happen organically. But they never do that anymore.

I sleep with my contacts in, unlike that willyhole Aden. They just stick to my eyes after. Hardcore!

Who's in the Yeti suit? I reckon Holy Moly dude off BOTS. Brrrrrrrrap!

WTF is up with Anton? I think he's going to start clucking like a chicken in a minute. Spiteful little shit. He did well on that task, though, it looked hard.

Is it me or does Jay look quite sexy when they flash up that photo of him? Weird.

Oh god, not more shopping list gripes. Boring! Jay, you've not 'grafted all day fighting yetis', you went on a ski machine for half an hour.

Aaron: 'well done for climbing Ben Nevis but once again you've made a bit of an idiot of yourself.' True, dat. DOES good beat evil every time? Freddy Krueger says otherwise.

My boyfriend just came up with a title for my blog 'ava-lunch'. Too late!

Big Brother 2011 - Wolf pack (your bags)

2011-10-11T22:08:00.003+01:00

Guillemots wake up call! I love Guillemots. Makes a nice change from David Guetta. Oh, God, Louise realised she doesn't connect with Jay whatsoever. She is leading him down the garden path a bit then, and she needs to tell him right now, as it's a bit unfair. This Guillemots song is called 'I don't feel amazing now.' Apt.

I've also never seen her with mascara down her face. Reassuring for us mortals. Look at Jay's boxers! I can see Peter Stringfellow in those babies.

I don't think she should get into bed with someone who she just wants to be friends with. Break it to him, and see if he jumps on Jem. I wouldn't be surprised.

Oh, she's actually telling him. That's brave. Not sure he's listening. 'There's no chemistry but I like snogging you.' Mixed messages.

I like Tom's emaciated little body. Is that wrong? Aaron is stirring the pot. Ulterior motive!

I haven't found out the nominations this week. I'm surprised they're not letting Jem nominate! I think her nominations might have counted this week.

I don't like this nomination talk, as it advantages Anton's crew. Faye wants to nominate Louise? What's the point?

Is the osmosis effect 'if you hang around with shit, you'll be shit'? That's not what my science teacher told me. No wonder I only got a C in my GCSE.

Pleeeeeeeaaaase let Anton be up this week! Harry's not that stupid, Anton, you transparent fuck. Anton looks like fucking Zippy today. He looks like you could stick your arm up his neck and use him as a puppet.

Anton needling Harry to find out who he voted for. As if Aaron would vote for Harry! You douche, Anton.

Harry is getting away with banana-gate quite well. Tom looks nice today, I like his hair.

OMG I would kill to see Aden vs Anton. Aaron got the nominations pretty much spot on. Anton is such a TOOL!

Aden is so inconsequential now, he's like a little fucking bug crawling around with a hat on, giggling at Anton's sexism.

Aaron and Harry's patronising Alex corner. She's having none of it.

I'll be very interested to see this eviction. I think people will vote to save Aaron and some meatheads will vote to save Jay. Aden, Anton and Faye are all vulnerable, I think.

If people are booing Jay he'll walk straight out! Bold words. I'm almost tempted to go down there and boo myself.

Anton is sweating about this eviction and I like it. Aaron forgave Faye quickly for nomming him. Harry's clothes are a treat. My boyfriend said he's wearing Ben Duncan's cast-offs. i actually know someone who wears clothes like that in real life, my friend's FIANCE (not yours, Lopez).

Aden, at least Louise told you she nominated you. I wouldn't even waste a vote on you, you're so pointless. He's like those see no evil monkeys, except he's 'speak more bullshit' monkey.

Anton's stirring! Anton is so out of touch with Harry's real feelings it's untrue; even Louise can see through it. Anton is 100% the biggest buffoon to ever walk through those doors.

Aden, you pathetic little weasel, just go and get your heart trampled on by Rebeckah and STFU. I'm sick of the sight of you.

We think Alex can win it. What do you think?

Big Brother 2011 - can you hear me, honeybunch?

2011-10-10T22:06:00.010+01:00

I think Louise is just getting caught up in the moment with Jay, but I don't think she really likes him. Mind you, I've been 'persuaded' to like someone before in my time.
Just as Aaron is feeling the 'trust', Big Brother are going to do something really nasty tonight. Mind you, it serves Faye right, she should never have nominated Aaron.
The prizes on that board look good. 'I hope I get the gym session' - wtf! People who are happy about going to the gym are sadistic cunts.
Aden - 'I want a date with Rebeckah'. Really?!
LOL to Jay getting a bunch of bananas, very apt.
OK so Faye hit nominations, so it wasn't really a set up. God, she's such a whinging old bag. Take that woolly hat off, you prat.
Harry won the phone call home on the Deal or No Deal phone. We've seen the crockery ban on BBUSA. They recycle all those ideas! This is quite a good task, though. Decent prizes. They should wheel this out again.
WTF Aden should not be allowed to WRITE in the Big Brother house! Kick him out.
LOL to Jem taking Jay to the gym. Faye took it well, didn't she? How can Aaron find that behaviour attractive? She is odious. She's sulking like a five-year-old who's dropped her lolly.
LOL to Jem slating Faye when she's in the same room! Love it.
Jem: 'if you're up for nomination this week you can go to a gym, can't you?' Brilliant, she just assumes her sister will be evicted.
I wish Faye would go and kill herself, as promised. I thought she wasn't going to watch them train. Their working out is the stupidest thing ever. I like Jay smoking and training. This Big Brother is funny for all the wrong reasons tonight.
WHY does Aaron like Faye? Why, why, why?
We were taking bets on whether Harry would call him mum 'mummy' and he did. AMAZING! I love posh people! Mummy! How could you do it on TV?! They think that's normal!
Oh Jay, you're so romantic. Can't wait to lick your bumhole. Louise's body makes me feel decidedly... wobbly in comparison.
Rebeckah's hair extensions! Mank. I like her bleach job, though. Aden's face when Rebeckah said 'I love you'. Class. Don't worry, Rebeckah Aden is not going to get with another girl because everyone else thinks he's an immature little chimp.
Rebeckah shouldn't be allowed to stir shit about Anton again! Does Tom even like Rebeckah? I think he hates her guts! Bring Rebeckah back in, she's magic as a housemate. I liked Tom with his little dungarees.
At least Faye knows Aaron didn't nominate her now. I love watching them squirm when they show the nominations. Anton was doing mega crab eyes. He actually looked surprised that someone nominated him.
Aaron didn't seem to react to her nominating him. But I think he's going to sit on it and make her suffer. I can see his downward spiral getting it's freak on.
Faye got a LOT of nominations. So now her and Jem are thick as thieves again? Fucking hell, she flip flops more than Nemo trying to get back to the ocean.
How the fuck can Faye sit there and moan about Harry when SHE NOMINATED AARON? She is the biggest hypocrite on the planet. What about what YOU DID, Faye?
Harry and Aaron doing veiled noms chat again! Are they ever gonna get a tell off for that?
I think Big Brother is a bit naughty trying to force Jay and Louise to have sex, especially as she doesn't want to.
Aaron's body language when Faye tried to give him a hug was very telling. All she goes on about is 'me'- 'I feel weird... this has ruined my night.' Can you IMAGINE if Aaron had nominated her? Just imagine it for a minute. Not pretty, is it?
Why doesn't she stop and think about WHY people nominated her. Why doesn't she listen to the reasons?
Are we going to have more lizard tongues now? This flatulence talk is soooo sexy. I HATE silk sheets. We got silky sheets once and they were gross, cold and shiny and I used to slide into to bedside table all the time and knock my glass of water over.
My boyfriend just said 'how long before Jem puts Faye up?'
Spoonies! Talk about doing BB's dirty work for them.

Big Brother 2011 - Toothbrush talk

2011-10-09T21:39:00.011+01:00

Recap, recap, recap, it's worse than Watchdog.
'The gag reflex of a trouper' - has she got a medal for that? Hmm, my netbook just died. Now I'm on my laptop that cuts out every 15 minutes. This should be fun. I also have a computer with a bust monitor. Technology isn't on my side this weekend.
Can't believe they coined Alex a 'floater', apparently that term was coined in BBUSA by Rachel. So someone's been watching that.
Aaron ignoring Jay is getting ridiculous now.
I didn't like Jem alluding to Aaron being like a dick in the diary room. That is basically talking about the outside world. Now Faye is giving him a grilling! So unfair. Then she goes on about him 'being a gentleman' in bed, and then goes 'let's not talk about it!' You started it, you arsehole! God, I hate the way she operates.
I wouldn't like Jem coming in and grilling me. She shouldn't make comments about Aaron being a 'player' because theoretically she shouldn't know that. Only she could make 'I'm really looking forward to getting to know you' sound like a threat. Who the fuck does she think she is? She's got about as much warmth as a stalagmite.
Push the button! Don't push the button. The way Faye and Jem talk to each other is almost as appalling as the music they keep playing in the house. Now I understand why they put Jem in; not as a treat, but to drive Faye mad.
Harry's dancing is wicked. I love watching people dance badly.
Liked Anton not falling for Faye's 'joke'. I thought jokes were meant to be funny. If I found out my sister had been grilling my 'boyfriend', I'd be pissed off.
I think I need a translator for Jay tonight, he's talking complete gibberish. Fucking hell, have we got Australians doing the Big Brother voice now? This country really has gone to the dogs! (Just kidding, Angela.)
So did Louise sack Jay off yet, or not? If not, when?
Christ, do we have to hear about Jem's dreams now? Spare me. She sees Aaron as a nocturnal animal in his hole! Lol. Faye and Aaron are in their honeymoon period? If I paid for that honeymoon, I'd be asking for my money back.
Louise, stop being so weak willed! Tell him he's coming on too strong.
Dammit I thought Jem was going to nominate Jay, not befriend him! Yeah, they are similar; big-headed, boneheaded oiks. I hope Jem doesn't nominate Aaron.

Big Brother 2011 - No, you have the Bounty

2011-10-08T22:16:00.005+01:00

Can't believe I missed the reptile tongue kissing in my blog yesterday. That was unreal. Do people really kiss like that? Why? Sometimes I miss crucial things cos I'm too busy tip-tapping at my keys!

Aaron is really good at giving people the cold shoulder for ages. I'm rubbish at that! I forgive people quite easily. It's too much of an effort to blank someone.

Louise is not happy with the 'love nest' which might as well be called 'the fuck shack'. Jay has come on too strong and it might be his undoing. Farting in bed is not exactly a winner; I try to hold it in at least until the first 'I love you' has been said.

Anton 'can the public not see he's not liked in the house?' We don't really give a fuck about what you like or don't like. It's who WE LIKE, we decide.

Liked Tom and Alex's Christmas/ Celebrations chat: 'you have the Bounty.' Quite! Alex is coming off very well in this episode.

Well done to Louise for sticking up for Aaron. Anton and Jay pouring poison in her ear!

LOL to Louise not really fancying Jay! Hilarious. Serves him right. Maybe she's onto him a bit. She definitely seems to be distancing herself from the wolfpack.

Jay actually came off better in that garden discussion. Aaron is behaving like a petulant child. Jay was being quite reasonable with him, I thought.

This sister twist can only go one of two ways: either Faye and her sister will team up and busy some balls together, or Jem will drive Faye mad and send her running into the arms of Aaron. They will never be a threesome i.e. working together, I just don't see it.

I could enjoy this sister task! I think they do actually hate each other - lol. I don't want to end up feeling sorry for Faye, though.

Faye's sister has all the charm of Katie Price. I love her coming in and telling Faye off for smoking. Faye should just go 'fuck off'. She's a grown woman, she can do whatever she likes.

Love Alex and Tom trying to guess Jem's age! They were quite generous.

Aaron and Faye hiding from her sister was funny. That sister is a NIGHTMARE!

Aaron is pushing Aden hard here. That situation could go either way, too.

Look at the way Jem is sitting in the DR chair! I've never seen anyone sit in the chair quite like that - completely dominant. She gonna stir some shit up good - now we just have to see which way the wind blows.

Big Brother 2011 - You're his little bitch

2011-10-07T20:59:00.005+01:00

One new housemate? Well excuse me if I don't die of excitement. I think we could do with another three, tbh. Anton is sitting round in his dressing gown! Wish they'd evict him like that.

Can't believe Louise and Jay are snogging first thing in the morning. Why are they always so touchy about having sex in the house? I want people who WILL have sex! They're at it like rabbits on the European versions. it's much more cosmopolitan.

Why is Louise announcing that she's snogged Jay and 'she doesn't feel bad'? Why should she feel bad! Honestly, what sort of uptight judge-others society do we live in? OMG that was HILARIOUS that they cut her soppy talk with him SHAVING HIS BUTTHOLE in the Big Brother house. Not in the toilet, but in full public view. Talk about an exhibitionist. I mean, is he likely to get rimmed in the house (not with Louise's prudish attitude towards snogging!)? And why has he got a sock on his knob, is it so his mum and dad can enjoy watching this? Honestly, it's at times like this I have to seriously consider what I'm doing with my life. Jay smells like a real man. Is that of football and beer? OMG I pity the poor camera man in that run. And then he has the audacity to say GO AWAY! He is only DOING it for the attention! Doesn't it HURT to shave your bumhole? If i get Nair in the wrong area, it hurts like fuckery. Surely a razor where the sun don't shine must be painful? I swear, it's a health and safety issue. Mario would be going garrity if he was in that house.

Faye: 'I want you to see the fun side of Faye'. Bit late, now, you dreary div.

Maisy must have been gutted about Faye doing a pre-eviction night snog in a desperate bid to stay in. Let's not forget she nominated Aaron AND didn't speak to him for a whole day.

OMG is Jay seriously clippering Aaron's hair with his ARSE RAZOR? I need a bag to be sick in. The haircut actually looked quite good, amazingly. I guess that's Jay's 'precision' practice for you.

Looks like Harry is going to regret ordering that food colouring. Jay, Aden and Anton are like an inner circle (more butt talk) of twattery. Somehow their prank seems a lot more mean-spirited than Harry's which was just a schoolboy jape.

Did Anton just swear on his mother's life it wasn't him, because it partly was. Aaron is taking it well, as usual, he looks like someone's died. LOL, Anton is stitching Jay up. Anton is a snake! Rebecca was right.

This might have saved Harry from getting put up next week. Aden is seething! He did come off a bit badly there, but it WAS his idea in the first place. Harry has got his just desserts (in a way). But it still seems meaner.

Jay, you lying knob. Banana revenge! LOL to Harry 'you're a liar, you're a fucking dickhead': he's quite bold saying that to Jay. I kind of like Harry when he's angry. It's a bit sexy when a posh person says 'fuck off' for some reason.

Why is Maisy getting booed? What has she done wrong exactly, except be nothingy and well turned out?

Jay fingering Anton! Good. Anton is wrong to swear on his mums life. I like the way Harry shouts and is then a bit sorry afterwards. It wasn't actually Anton's idea, it was Aden's idea.

Harry is disappointed with Anton! Boarding school buddies. Louise 'let's just stay out of it' - yeah, let's not have an opinion, let's just sit here and look pretty. Harry is taking down the supposed 'kids from the street'. Aden was OWNED. He went from Rebecca's little bitch to Jay's little bitch.

LOL to 'if he doesn't like ketchup why did he order 20 bottles?'

Oh God, Aaron's latest DR martyrdom sesh. What's that jumper Aaron has on? He looks like a admittedly handsome geography teacher.

Aden: 'I don't want to come across as slimy.' Harry: 'Just don't come across as a numpty.'

Jay making a little sex palace for Louise is gross. No one wants to emulate Michelle Bass. Not even Michelle Bass.

Jay's passion pit! LOL. I saw them play the Wireless Festival a while back.

Yuck, I like it better when people snog in the dark. Anton: '5 million people are watching'. Yeah, in 2005. It's barely breaking the million mark this series without the live feed.

LOL to Maisy's face when she got booed. Shocker! So Maisy got evicted. That's interesting when Faye has NO redeeming features. Plus I voted to save Maisy 6 times on FB. Louise has got that stupid fucking hat on again.

Hmm, and they're putting someone in who knows Faye? FIIIIIIIIIIX!

I'm pissed off they're putting her sister in. Actually, it would have been better if she'd left and they'd put her sister in.

Louise must be pleased Maisy's going. No more looking at her. I don't like Maisy's outfit tonight. her hair and make up look good, though.

That breakfast biscuit in the ad break is PURE EVIL. EVIL.

Maisy looked genuinely shocked at some of the nominations. Maisy you weren't a 'nice friend' to Faye, you were always rubbing it in her face that you tongued Aaron first. I'm glad Brian had a dig about that, too. I think Brian is wrong, though, Maisy made the first move on Aaron.

Anton is so 'ungenuine'. Yes, he's disingenuous.

I'm glad that Maisy is comfortable in her own skin. That should be applauded. Her voice is super bugging, though.

So for the twist. Replacement housemate roulette! I can tell this is Faye's sister because she has the same Gary Barlow's Dignitas advert accent. Oh, well, if she's going to have a go at Jay I'm all for it.

Faye's sister is 25? She looks about 40. Good camera angle at the top of the stairs there. I don't want Faye to have back up, really. Plus she's got info. Plus I don't believe her when she says she's going to shake things up, Faye's shaken nothing up, and she promised big.

Jen: 'are you angry?' Faye: 'why would I be angry?' Is it because she's stealing your thunder? I don't like Jen already! Hard faced. Booo! Put Rebeckah back in! I miss struggling to spell her name.

Big Brother 2011 - I'm going to kick the life out of every fucking banana

2011-10-06T21:56:00.005+01:00

Bothered about Mark! He's done. Next. I seen him on BOTS and OKTV and he was acting like the imbecile he is. Fake, fake, fake. Fuck off. They should play 'I Know It's Over' over all this crying, it's jokes! His parting speech was bullshit, also.

WTF he didn't even pack his own bag? Who does he think he is, Jackie Stallone? He was there all yesterday evening.

Oh Maisy, like hell you don't think it matters about you now. The only thing you care about is you. Harry: voice of reason. COULD Harry win this? Even with the fox hunting under his belt?

Jay: a dream hero/ thug. How romantic.

Faye: 'I'm this sort of person/ I'm that sort of person.' No, you're NOT that sort of person. You'll find out what sort of person you are tomorrow... booooooo!

Why are the men always doing the shopping list (sexist)? 'You'll get what you're given': that's probably what Jay says just before you have sex with him.

Jay: 'I like a good roll about.' No kidding. Louise: 'If you're with someone you'll do anything'. Like what? What is she referring to? I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

Ugh, Aden and Anton simultaneously glugging juice from the carton. Anton: 'I'm here to be the cleverest person who's ever played the game.' You're less clever than fucking Dale, who was a shaved chimp, or Bonnie, who couldn't even pronounce her own name.

What's with Harry and the bananas? Is he trying to get nominated?! He's going to get fucking lynched.

God, I hate Aden. He's just so pathetic in every way. Try hard dullard, baby, he doesn't know himself.

I actually feel nervous for Harry right now. I don't think he realises what people can be like. Especially about food. This is pure boarding school behaviour! Harry's gone all red in the face with excitement.

OMG imagine if he hadn't got the tobacco as well. There'd be a fucking murder. I've not seen so many bananas in the Big Brother house since Jedward trollydashed round Lidl.

Uh, oh Jay is unravelling. I can't STAND aggressive men. I can't stand men who throw things or hit things, because the next thing they throw or hit is YOU! Give him a warning!

Notice Anton instigating! He knows this is bad news for Harry and he's going to milk it for all it's worth. I could live on chocolate and bananas very easily. That would be a healthy improvement on my diet.

Jay is going to 'kick the life out of every fucking banana'. Are you going to tell him, or am I? Oh, he really fucked those bananas up good. Proper hard man, he is. I thought apes liked bananas?

Now Maisy is upset that they didn't get alcohol. They're going to get even more pissed if they have alcohol on empty stomachs.

Jay's getting seriously mad. Is he going to shit in the freezer again (which they never showed?) Fuck Jay, I'm really starting to hate him. Why haven't we seen him getting told off for being aggressive? Jokey non-racism is bad, but throwing things is OK?

LOL to the green butter and the blue milk. I think the food colouring was the final tyrannical touch. At least Harry can make them milkshakes. It's not even Frosties they got. It's Frosted Flakes! Own brand anger.

Jay is an aggressive cunt. I can't stand him now. I would personally be scared if someone was punching the shit out of an inanimate object in there, I don't find that acceptable at all, it's threatening. You can say 'oh he's getting his anger out' but I don't want to be anywhere near someone who can contain that much anger. No thanks. Honestly, just give him a club and a caveman outfit and be done with it.

Faye seems to think that's OK. It isn't. Louise thinks it's sexy. Yeah, it's so sexy until you end up with a broken nose or in the morgue as another statistic. Interesting she said he's making her nervous. Satiate his need! Geordie caveman cannot survive without food or fucking!

Jay's happy now he's got a beer in his hand, now. Aaron must not believe his eyes that Louise is so besotted with Jay. I'm totally perplexed by it, but my only conclusion has to be, she's thick as shit. Shame, as I like her.

Jay looks like he's wearing a dress. All that snogging and moaning under the covers is gross! This is Britain! Show some decorum. Nah, not really, go for it, why not? 'It felt natural so i'm going to do it.' says Louise. Faye: take notes.

Big Brother 2011 - Doll (de)parts

2011-10-05T22:02:00.003+01:00

'What's meant to be is meant to be.' Almost as duff as 'it is what it is'.

Mark seems quite a tragic figure, really. So why is he really leaving? Was it that he couldn't keep up the act? Perhaps he'd run out of material. It's a shame in a way that we never got to see the 'real' him, but I have an inkling if he'd done the full stretch, we would still never have seen it. Maybe he's just as shallow as Maisy. But him walking says otherwise. Something was going on up there, but who knows what?

I guess the toy factory task is better than doing nothing. Maisy pronounced 'reject bin' as weirdly as Jeremy Kyle pronounces 'lie detector'-with the emphasis in exactly the wrong place.

On Digital Spy today someone said they wanted to 'give their TV screen a good wipe after Jay had been on it' which tickled me. It will never be clean!

The task 'twist' is quite funny. Who will twig first? Let's be honest, probably none of them. Tom's little face as he was stuffing those bears; pure determination.

Why has Jay been given a pen and paper? Besides, I thought he was illiterate. He'll probably try to eat it or fuck it.

Doll part fight! They should play Hole over that montage.

Ad break. I have NEVER watched an episode of Friends and NEVER WILL! Everyone in it is insufferable! And yes, I say that watching Big Brother. I'm bold!

Who made Jay the boss anyway? And put Aden and Anton as his henchmen? Aaron is taking his frustrations out on the dolls. Aden bossing Aaron about was pathetic. I liked Aaron just ignoring him. What's up with Aden? You don't call your workforce 'a fucking wanker' or' a prick'. I still have almost no idea what's going on, another dodgy edit tonight.

'Jack, ace, king, queen, no, no, no, no, no, no,no...' as Morrissey once sang. Followed atrociously by 'aces doing time... jack's are doing fine' by Placebo. I can't think of any more playing card related songs, can you?

Lol to Aaron's 'I think this is about the promotion' when they got called to the office for tell off times. 'Blues brothers' was also pretty funny. I like Harry more every day. Mind you, compared to that house full of tossers, I'd like pretty much anyone. The house needs a serious overhaul as all these conflicting personalities worked well at first, but have basically now run out of steam. Did Jay just say 'disobedience'? That's a long word for a very thick man.

Is Mark leaving because of 'the cameras'? I think he must be dying for a wank. I think 'end of my sell by date' is right, he's phrased it correctly. I think I would have stuck it out in the hope of the 100K. How many times in life are you going to have a one in 12 or less chance of winning that cash?

Anton will be THRILLED that Mark is leaving. I think he knows he's quite popular.

Mark: 'I don't want to be filmed no more.' Everyone: 'what are you on about?' as if that's an alien concept. I know how Mark feels when you feel like your time somewhere is done. He can't even sneak off without saying goodbye, like I do on most nights out. I'd hate everyone going on at me to stay. Once you know you've got to go, you've got to go. I felt like that on a cruise ship on the River Nile once, and called my mum who got me on a plane home the next day (she had cash in those days, ! wonder where it all went!). Sometimes, you'd just got to go. I understand completely.

Tom looked genuinely upset and Aaron did his introverted sit-in-a-corner schtick. Mark: 'it's not you, it's the cameras.' Even Jay is crying! The producers must be quite worried. If the clown leaves the party, what are you left with? It's going to be like a wake. Even when someone they hate goes they get sad.

Aw, Tom and Alex crying in the loo was so cute. Their friendship is so lush. And Aden giving Jay a cuddle! Really sweet.

What? Mark 'can't not be the centre of attention'?! That really is sad. It's nice that everyone is so upset and loves him so much. He has to leave now just to save face! I get the feeling once he makes up his mind, that's it.

Wow, emotions are running high in that house! I hope Mark gets what he wants, whatever it is. And I hope we get what we want: new housemates (and live feed *said in very fast voice to indicate small print*)